CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23067, 18 June 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

"A man is known by tko company ho floats." How to make money:—Play "snap" with a stutterer. Repartee: Saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next morning. "Anyhow, I'm outspoken." "Well, I'm sure it's not by anyone I know, Mrs. Smith." According to a woman writer a garden keeps a woman out of mischief. It didn't do that for Eve. "There aren't so many pillion riders now," says a motoring writer. There seems to have been some falling off, A correspondent says he is arranging a wrestling match between his two uncles. This might lead to strained relations. _ "Some of the present-day compositions are very difficult to execute." says a music critic. Many are just murdered. The modern girl is smoking less nowadays, says a writer. Possibly this is because she doesn't like to look effeminate. < An American has spent years in getting in touch with 35.000 relatives. An easier way of doing this is to win the Art Union. A milkman placed in his window a card inscribed: "Milk from Contented Cows," and a neighbouring butcher, not to be outdone, put in his window the sign: "Sausages from Pigs that Died Happy."

SUITED "Gentleman with a moustache to see you, sir." "No thanks —tell him I have a moustache." . NO NEED "Here, Daddy, here's some stuff to help your lumbago." "What makes you think it wants any help?" EASIER WAY "A better finish to your car," reads an advertisement. What's wrong with the old-fashioned brick wall ? "STEP ON IT" He: "If you keep looking at me liko that I'm going to kiss you." She: "Well, hurry up. 1 can't hold this expression much longer." O.K. LATER The fortune-teller was addressing one of her clients: "You will be poor and unhappy until- you are forty." "And after that?" "You'll get used to it." WARNING Mr. Harris called the cook and said: "Mary, my mother-in-law is coming to stay with us for a month. Here is a list of the dishes she loves —and the first time you serve one of them you're Gred." MUCH WORSE A friend wrote a letter saying that he was in very bad health, and concluded: " Is there anything worse than having toothache and earache at the same time? " The other wrote back: " Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus' dance! " TRY AGAIN Two dark gentlemen called one evening upon the same girl and arrived on her porch at the same time. "Well, Mist.a Jonsing, I see we is done arrove simultoously dis evening." "Yessuh, Mista .lones, wo sho is contemporary on dis occasion." IN THE FAMILY A youngster in Boy Scout uniform found an envelope containing tickets. The envelope bore a name and address, and the boy, accompanied by his young brother, went there at once. Oil accepting the tickets, the rightful owner thanked the boy and offered him a shilling. "Sorry, I'm a Scout," said tbo boy. "It's my good deed for the day." The man was on the point of returning the coin to his pocket when the Scout went on, "But my little brother isn't a Scout."

A physiologist says that the strong, silent man has given way to the man who can laugh, fn other words, the heman has been replaced by the he-he-he man. "It is easier to give up smoking if one or two of your friends are doing the same," we are told. Unless, ot course, you're in the habit of buying 3 - our own cigarettes. It seems that a well-known soprano walked off the platform at a ship's concert in the middle of a solo because the atmosphere was so thick with tobacco smoke. Trouble in the high C"s. A group of holiday-makers recently ducked a self-opinionated youth who was boring them. He considered himself the only pebble on the beach, so naturally they threw him into the sea. OVERHAULED "I'm a self-made man." "You're lucky. I'm the revised work of a wife and three daughters." SENT FLYING It takes years of practice before a ski-jumper stops looking like someone being thrown out of a hotel. IN THE BAG "Will ye have lunch wi' me, Miss Glorious ? ' "I'd be charmed, Mr. McTavish!" "Weel, wait a minute while I unwrap it." SILENT PROTEST "I thought I would surprise my husband, so I took cooking lessons when he was abroad," said Mrs. Hopkins to her friend. "What did he say when ho came back?" "Nothing. He just went abroad again."

QUIET WORKER A very particular housekeeper was having her bedroom painted. Wishing to learn what progress the painter was making, she crept to the bottom of the stairs and listened. Not a sound reached her ears. She: "Painter, are you working?" Painter: "Yes, ma'am." She: "I can't hear you making a sound." Painter: "Perhaps not, ma'am. _I ain't putting the paint on with a hammer." UNLUCKY CHARLES A schoolteacher, after examination of the pupils in her class by the school nurse, wrote the following note to the parents of a certain little boy:— "Your boy Charles shows signs of astigmatism. Will you please investigate and tako steps to correct it?" The next morning sho received a reply from the boy's father, who wrote: — "I don't exactly understand what Charlie has done, but I have walloped him to-night and you can wallop him to-morrow. That ought to help.'

" Within three days of buying a lucky charm," declares the writer of a letter in a contemporary, " I was engaged to be married." The vendor, however, disclaimed all responsibility. Reviewing a volume of reminiscences by a heavy-weight boxer, a critic says that every paragraph has a punch ill it. Presumably the book is full of big black ]'b. A Boston professor predicts that in another 1000 years women will rule the world. It would be interesting to know what term he applies to what they're doing now. A retired actress relates that when, as a girl, she wanted a cheque from her father, she always sang an oldworld ballad to him. This may have been the origin of the signaturo tune. CONVERSATION PIECE "My wife can talk for htfurs on any subject." . "Mine doesn't need a subject." DON'T APOLOGISE! Manager: "You should hafe been here at nine o'clock." Office Boy: "Why? What happeued? GRIM THOUGHT Nature provided the firefly with a flashlight, but he never seems to find, what he is looking for. Think what a mosquito could do with that extra equipment. RIGHT INSIDE ' A man in a South African town heard a scratching at his door and with a cry of "Come inside!" ho lifted the latch to find himself face to tace with a lion. We understand that the latter was eager to extend the same invitation.

AFTER YOU, SIR The professor of chemistry was giv- v ing a lesson 011 the powers of different explosives. "This," he explained, "is one of the most dangerous explosives of them all. If 1 am in the slightest degree wrong in my experiment, we are liable to be blown through the roof. Kindly come a little closer, so that you may follow me better." OLD FRIENDS Beryl was anxious to become engaged, but her mother was more than a little dubious about it. "But, my dear," said mamma, "don't you think you ought to know Mr. Price a little longer before you think of becoming engaged to him?" "Oh. he's not exactly a stranger," came Beryl's calm reply. "I know a girl who was engaged to him for months." TWO IN ONE When Sir John Carr was at Glasgow in the year 1807 he was asked to give his advice concerning the inscription to he placed upon Nelson's Monument, just then completed. He recommended this brief record: "Glasgow to Nelson." "True," said the magistrate with whom he was talking, "and as there is the town of Nelson near us. we might, add, 'Nine Miles.' Then the column would servo for a milestone and a monument." NOT REQUIRED Carl Henderson, of Ne'\ York, said in a talk 011 salesmanship:— "In flattery as in everything else a salesman can go too far. "A pretty girl said to an energetin young salesman at a counter: — " 'I want some soap, please.' "He looked at her closely, like a real beauty specialist. " 'I would recommend,' he said, 'for a complexion that combines so delicately the lovely colours of the lily and rose—' " 'Excuse me,' the girl broke in, 'it isn't soft soap I want.' "

Proverbs for women: If the shoe fits, get a size smaller. If your garden is fooling you, give it a few digs in return. "How would you like your supper, darling—scrambled or poached?" "Almost anything will be fashionable next summer," says a writer. Last year it was almost nothing. Radio dealers are now trying to persuade us that television is the answer to Where Do We Go From Hear. "Any one can dive," says a swimming expert. But it's the coming up part that we're concerned about. When she thinks he's perfect, she's in love. When she makes up her mind to improve him, she means marriage. The question is raised whether a snail has any teeth. Well, he always seems to move as if on the way to the dentist, doesn't he? "Is there much difference, alter all, between a cx*ooked financier and, say, a cat burglar?" asks a writer. The financier gets in on the ground floor. Radio sets are concealed in scarecrows on some farms in America. We were confident that ultimately a use would be found for crooners. Gangsters entered a carpenter's workshop in the outskirts of Chicago. But it wasn't a hold-up. They merely wanted some shotguns sawn off. A palmist claimed the other day that she had only to look at a person's hand to tell what was going to happen. When we play cards, our partner after seeing our hand always tells us what should have happened.

MORE IMPORTANT Visitor: "How do you like your new little sister?" Small Boy: "Not bad. But we could have done with a new wireless first." HE GUESSED "I gave up smoking and drinking twenty-five years ago " "Are you celebrating your silver wedding this year?" HOW IT'S DONE Woman in crowded tram to her friend: "I wish that good-looking man would give me hiis Beat." Five men stood up. THINGS TO COME "Great Scot, the house is rocking. Look out, it's going to fall down." "It's all right; it's only mother parking the 'plane on the roof." WHERE IS IT? "I insured my voice," announced the great singer, "for £5000." "Oh!" replied his rival. "And what have you done with the money?" NOT THIRSTY "Bridget," said -Mrs. Browne, "did you give the goldfi.sh fresh water this morning?" "Pwhat's th' use, mum?" asked the new Irish maid. "They didn't drink what 1 gave them yesterday." GIVE HER THE BEST "Yes," said Mrs. Swankleigh, "I want you to teach my daughter a foreign language—which shall it be?" "French, German, Italian?" asked the teacher. "Which is the most foreign?" ACCOUNTED TOR Wife: "I wont some money." Hubby: "Say, what did you do with that last dollar 1 Rave you ?" Wife: "I spent thirty-seven cents in 1936, forty cents in 1937, and twentythree cents this year."

SOMETHING QUEER "Where's the car?" the professor's wife asked the professor. "Did 1 take the car?" "Certainly you did." "Well, I thought it strange. When I got out at the post office, I turned round to thank the man who had given me a lift, and he wasn't there." UNNECESSARY Young Alex (watching painter): "How many coats of paint do you give a door?" Painter: "Two, my boy." Young Alox.(brightly): "Then if you gave it three coats it would be an overcoat?" Painter: "Yes, my lad, and a waste coat." SOLID The bishop was very tired. There were many candidates for confirmation, and the church grew hotter and hotter. The bishop could feel his eyos getting heavy. At last, when he was nearing the end of his labours, a bald-headed man knelt in front of him. The bishop, suppressing a yawn, put both his hands on the shining head, and muttered: "1 declare this stone to be well and truly laid."