CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23025, 30 April 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

/'He plays a fair game, doesn't he?" ••Yes, ii: you watch him," Warning to wives: Give a husband (•noiish rope and he'll want to skip. The man who marries a woman for Jier money Ims at least some excuse. playing Beethoven jto-nigjit. J.s that so. Well, I hope she jftins. Teachers' want smaller classes savs fc writer. Smith minor gladly offers to jstand down. "You look as though n goat hnd been aliasing you." "Chasing moP Ho caught jip with me." "Records that remain to be broken," J-uns a sport headline. We kuow of pome next door! The roof of a public- house was blown fcff by a gale. Where can men take shelter in a storm ? I'm told there are no ventriloquists hut of work. Perhaps they've all got Jobs selling parrots. ° "A child, must have a chance to Express its ideas," declares a psychologist. But not if you have plain wallpaper ! "I've worked for the same boss for Jnenty-five years." "What a coincidence! To-day's my silver wedding auniyersary, too." " Why. were you away from work yesterday?" " I had a fit, sir." " Oh, ]'m sorry. What caused it? " My horse came in last." "Would you like to go in for a raffle for an old sailor?" "No thanks. I wouldn't know what to do with him if 1 won him."

A London actor arrived in Hollywood with a letter of recommendation. The letter concluded: " He plays Hamlet, Macbeth, Shylock, and billiards — ibilliards best." A man charged with throwing gravy tot his housekeeper pleaded that he upset It and some fell on her faqe. The rest, it is understood, fell harmlessly oa the ceding. Every, flat in a new block contains one absdkitely sound-proof room. If the jtenants haven't a baby, it is considered a public-spirited gesture to sublet the room to a crooner or a saxophonist. "A newly-married couple naturally like to feather their nest attractively," Bays a writer. They generally start with a little down, but if tho payments; lapse they soon realise they aro up a tree. Some Covent Garden experts, we read, can test the quality of cabbages by sounding them with a sort of stethoscope. But it is chiefly boxers of course .who have a good ear for a cauliflower. An authority on etiquette tells us ithat 'tis an indication of ill-breeding to rattle or jingle our money. Mebbe 60. But a lot of us will have to tlnnk up some other method of displaying cur lack of culture. A correspondent wants to know how much he should tip in German restaurants. It is not a bad idea, on receiving the bill, suddenly to shout Heil Hitler!" and then escape while the .waiter's hand is still in mid-air. "Who could put into words the feeling that steals over one as the holiday .train puffs out?" asks_ a writer. A correspondent says that his wife can and does: "Horace, I'm almost certain 1 forgot to turn off the gasl" Slaking the greyhounds run round the track in tho opposite direction is the latest novelty to be tried in London to break the monotony of dog-racing. Why not go one better and have a live liare chased by electric dogs? In some Eastern countries it is the custom to chain a debtor to his creditor. A sporting reader tells us, that ho would back his income-tax collector and himself against any other couple in a three-legged race. We read that a man who had been to a fancy-dress ball attired as a milkman was stopped and questioned outside his home by a constable. He had aroused the officer's suspicions by clos•jner the g&to without banging ! GETTING IT STRAIGHT "So your name is M'Donald!" "Yes. ''And you want to change it to Neville Zamiel Russell. Tell me why you want to do so."- "It's my wife's idea. She thinks I ought to have the same initials that are on our spoons and towels."

Firemen can dress and turn out in less than thirty This is one of the jobs that women "are not likely to crash into. A London man claims to have created a record by standing on one foot for twenty-two hours. His own foot, we presume. "Let the spirit of amity and goodwill reign in your house not only at the festive season," urges a writer. What? No bridge? Mr. New-Rich (inspecting a famous old master): "Haven't you something more exclusive? I've got this at home on a cigarette-card." Attention has been directed to the number of women who are replacing men in the debt-collecting business. Debtors apparently dislike the feminine touch. "Dear, you can't imagine how I worry when you're away." "Oh, you shouldn't do that. I'll always return, you know." "Yes, that's what I worry about." An inventor claims to have produced a device that is in effect a corkscrew without a spiral. He thought it was about time somebody got this thing straight. The man or woman who is a good conversationalist at table is always welcome, says a hostess. Unless it so happens that the others are trying to play bridge. Tommy (to mother standing on pier): "What's that there, ma?" Mother: "A lighthouse." "What for, ma?" "It keeps ships from getting on the rocks." "Well, why don't you get one for father?"

"Does anybody really know whether the bird or the egg came first?" asks a correspondent. An actor friend to whom we put the problem assured us that more than once in his career he has known them arrive together. A banker stated in Court that anybody could easily carry £IOO,OOO on him if the money were in five-pound notes. This will come as a relief to those who feared that they would have to tip a porter to do it for them. LOST SOMETHING? Dining in a restaurant with her husband, a woman missed her gloves when she was on her way out. Murmuring something to her husband, she hurried back to the table to look for them. Not seeing them on the table she lifted tho clotlTand began to grub about on the floor. Just then a waiter came up. "Pardon me, madame," lie said, "but tho gentleman is over there by tho door.

The term " gold-digger " is obsolete. They are called " wooden shoe girls" ! now; because they say, " Wooden shoe liko to buy me that:-'" "I see your daughter is back home again, old boy." "Yes. We found it too expensive having her living in a flat supporting herself." Bread and butter is advised as a slimming diet, with brisk walks instead of motoring. Just plain bread and butter and no traffic jam. A chef claims to have discovered a new way to cook spinach. If the second way even remotely resembles the first, he needn't have bothered. As an experiment, a newspaper was printed on cellophane. Just tho thing for a bashful actress to hide her face behind on the approach of a press photographer, "Many criminals I have known could not writo their own names," says a detective. He has come across one or two, though, who were adopt at writing other people's. . " Tho most irritating person I know," says a writer, "is tho moderately successful business man who puts on airs." What about the office boy who whistles them? A woman racehorse owner has named one of her horses after her husband. Backers are now said to be trying to find out if he is in the habit of ari'iving homo late. The other day a golfer was seen to abandon his game and chase a vividlycoloured butterfly. A correspondent says he once caught a purple admiral on the links with a sliced ball, aud the language of the furious officer was a revelation to all the hardened golfers within earshot.

The latest typo of perambulator has a steering-wheel instead of handles. Wo understand there is also an electric horn, which does awny with the cruel custom of pinching tho baby at busy crossings. A wireless enthusiast complains that those who contribute to the morning programme sound weary, husky and listless. There is no suggestion, however, that it will ever be officially featured as "In' Town .Last Night.'' JUST THE MAN "Have you had any experience in cliinaware ?" asked the prospective employer. "Years of it, sir," replied the applicant. "What do you do when you break a valuable piece?" "Well—cr — 1 usually set it together again and put it where some customer will knock it over, and charge her for it." "You'll do. Start work at once." HE WONDERED Two workmen were having dinner by the roadside when some hikers asked them the way to Canterbury. One of the men told them, and away they went. When they had gone, the other workman said to the one who iiad given the directions: "Funny, I never did know the way to Canterbury myself." "Neither do I," replied the other. "I often wonder where they all land." HELPFUL Muddleford, who suffered acutely from neuralgia, met his doctor in the street. "Doctor," he said, thinking he could get free advice, "J know a man who is suffering agonies from neuralgia. At times he's .so bad he simply howls with pain. What would you do in that case!-'" "Well." was the doctor's reply, "I suppose I should howl with pain, too." UP-TO-DATE The two youngsters were visiting a museum for want of some more exciting occupation. The exhibits did not excite them very much xintii they came round a corner and gazed upon a well-pre-served mummy, swathed in bandages. Underneath was a card with the date B.C. 1412. "Wonder what those figures mean?" asked Tommy. "Oh, that's easy!" replied his companion." "I bet that's, the number of tho car that knocked him down."

Ever noticed that the girl friend's watch is just like herself? It's expensive, has a nice face and pretty hands —and it's never on time. A schoolboy is writing his memoirs. Wo are looking forward to reading in due course some hitherto unpublished Quaint Sayings of Parents. Banknotes were blown by the wind out of tho hands of a bookmaker recently. So far no betting system has over boon as successful as that.

A gardening expert says indoor bulbs will como up much quicker if small pieces of fish are pushed into thd fibre. Particularly if you have a cat in the home. A news item from America tell of a dentist who makes a habit of crooning at his work. We believe this is bringing him quite a bit of extra money, from all those patients who now insist on having gas. A herbalist reminds us that certain wild nettles are an excellent substitute for spinach. Cook them well and sprinkle a generous handful of grit among them, and few people would know the difference. " What's that? You lost your best girl by tossing coins with your rival in front of her?" " Yes. We tossed for the privilege of being her permanent boy friend. I threw a threepenny bit, aud ho tossed a half-crown." Last week a Swiss guide, using a route known only to himself, conducted the* members of a jazz band to a plateau high up the mountain-side. Then the silly fellow spoilt it all by bringing them down again. "Well." said the waiter to the man who had just had his seventh cup of coffee, "you must be very fond of coffee." "Yes, indeed," answered the man, "or I wouldn't bo drinking so much water to get a little." A woman driver had just knocked a man down. "It was entirely your own fault," she said to tho victim, severely. "I have been driving a car for ten years, and I am thoroughly experienced." "f. am not a beginner, either, madam," retorted ihe man on the ground. "I've been walking for 50 years."