CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22540, 3 October 1936, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

A sock on the foot is worth two on the jaw. A crooner confesses that certain songs haunt him. Is that because he murdered them? Pity the plight of :he conjurer bridegroom who reached in his pocket for the ring and produced a rabbit. Jock: "And how :lo you like your new radio, Mac!'" Mac: "Mon, it's crand. but the weo light's hard to read by." ; Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day, for by then your wife Trill probably not let you, or there will be a law against it. •'lt is the aim of every wife to be as little worry to her husband as poseible," declares a novelist. But then, we all know what sor i of aim a woman has. 'safety FIRST SIGN Drive Slow and Sea our Village. Drive Fast and See our Gaol. TRAVELOGUE I once knew a dame in Bermuda, And seldom have I met a ruder; But what made me soro Was that guys by the scoro All over Bermuda pursued her. THERE'S ALWAYS A REASON "John, yon don't care for me as much as you used to. You always used to give mo the larger helpings; now you take them for yourself." "Darling, you cook much better now." ONE OVER , "Did you eat those cakes I left jn the cupboard, Tommy?" "Mummy, I didn't touch one of them." "Well, there's oily one left there. How do you account for that?" "I expect that is the one I didn't touch." „ MISIiING The boss called in his Irish foreman. ''Now see," he said, "there has been a good deal of pilfering going on, and we are losing too many tools. Next time we lose anything I want you to search the men's pockets as they leave .the gates of the works." Next evening the boss, on his way home, saw the Irish foreman at the Forks' gates, running his hands over the men's pockets. ; "What's missing now?" he inquired, btw\ the Irish foreman replied, "A jvhee\barrow."

"A pretty girl is a poem," asserts a novelist. And not a-verse to being scanned I It is estimated that there are 2,;i50,000 wireless pirates in England. Radi-owe enthusiasts. "What a pretty nursemaid you have." "Yes, I employed her to give the children police protection." "What can the average man really afford for his wife's clothes?" asks a magistrate. Usually about half of what she spends. An American film actress who has been divorced three times was awarded alimony each time. Perhaps this is what they call making money by decrees.

HE DIDN'T KNOW First Clerk:. Have you and your boss ever had any difference of opinion? Second ditto: 1 Yes, but he doesn't know it! THE REASON "I have a car now—l gave our piano in part exchange." "Do motor dealers take pianos in exchange?" "Not usually—but this dealer lives in the flat below ours." IN HIS PLACE Employer: "I can only say, Mr. Jones, you have acted like a donkey in this matter." Mr. Jones: "But you mustn't forget, sir, that I acted as your representative." WRONG SIDE Little Boy: "Mother says you are my aunt." Aunt: "Yes, deay, I am your aunt on your father's side." Little Boy: "Well, you're on the wrong side then, and you'll soon find that out if you live with us." BY WAY OF APOLOGY The 'judgo had decided a point against the young barrister, who was nettled and said: "M'lud, I am amazed." His leader, who felt that this might prejudice their case, arose and interposed : "I must apologise, m'lud, for tho hasty remark of my young friend. Bv the time he is as old as he will not bo amazed at anything yopr ludship does."

Steak and Kidney Pudding Debunked. More paste less feed. "They say a woman is as old as she looks." "Yes. Aftd a man isn't old until lie stops looking." Runner (coming in last): "Did you take my time?" Timekeeper: "I didn't have to. You took it yourself." "Many men's troubles are in bottles," says a clergyman. And they like to pour them out sometimes. Magistrate: "What did the constable do when you called him a lobster?" Defendant: "Ho- pinched me." An England team will play Test matches in Australia —all attempts to submit the matter to arbitration having failed. "Your teacher has written to say that he finds it impossible to teach you anything, Horace." "There! I always said he was 110 good." "Well," said the little girl at a wedding, "even now I don't know who she married. She went in with one man and came out with a different one again." We read that an American author is at work on a three-volume novel entitled "River in Flood." We offer our sympathy to the publisher's reader who will eventually wade through it. Lady in car (to man she has knocked over): "It was your own fault entirely. I have been driving a car for ten years, and I am thoroughly experienced." Pedestrian: "I am not a beginner, either I've been walking for fifty years."

NOT PAYING Boots: Get up, quick. The hotel's afire. Scot: Right, laddie, but I'll no pay for tho bed. CAUTIOUS Mother: "As soon as you are asleep the angels will come into your room and guard you." Betty: "Olil Well, take my chocolates off the dressing-table, and put them under my pillow, please." CASH SALE A lady of tho Jewish persuasion went into a chemist's shop and asked for some toilet powder. "Mcnnin's, ma'am?" inquired, tho assistant. "No. vimmen's," she replied. "Will you have it scented, ma'am?" "No, I vill it vith me."

"An expert can judge a cigar by its feel," says a writer. And how he feels after it. How it Looks: The entire population of Spain is now bent on wiping out the entiro population of Spain. Mother: "Jack, shall we go for a walk this evening?" Jack: "No; I must help father with my homework." Stage fright, says a doctor, can be cured by yawning. The trouble is when the audience starts to yawn back. "Hot-headed politicians are the greatest danger to-day," declares a writer. But those with cold feet run them very close. The best things to use, Elizabeth, for polishing floors are a little wax, a large duster, a kneeling pad and a dutiful husband. An Englishman who recently married an Italian girl says he is learning her language. But this does nrit necessarily mean that ho will master her tongue. It is a. good plan, we are told, for young authors and playwrights to have their work read over to them. But even this does not necessarily cure them. Wo read that a scientist has recorded, on a special gramophone disc, the words uttered by a man talking in his sleep. If this idea catches on, it will ease tho strain on many wives who at present have no alternative but to remain awake. WILLING WORKER A foreman who had a lot of work to get through, and was short-handed, met a tramp coming along. "Want any work?" said the foreman. "What sort of work?" was the ply"Well," said tho foreman, "could you do anything with this shovel?" "Rather," answered tho tramp. "I could fry a rasher of bacon on it if you've got one." NO NEED TO WORRY A Scots couple were on their way to be married. As they neared tho register office tho bride burst out: " Oh, Sandy, I hae a secret tae tell you before we get marrit." " Weel, an' whit is't, Mary?" asked Sandy. " I canna cook vera weel," replied Mary. " Och," comforted Sandy, " never mind that; it's precious little ye'll get tae cook wi\"