CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22391, 11 April 1936, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

It's a wise parent who "no's" his .awn child. Steak and Kidney Pudding Version: - f|y or e paste, less feed. <«A good wife is a pearl," says a Clergyman. It is the mother o' pearl that is usually tho trouble. We shall soon bo taking all our food, & scientist tells us, in the form of small r ound capsules. This looks like tho end of tho square meal. Of the thirty guests at a recent dinner, twenty-three were related to tho host and hostess. Nevertheless, tho affair was quite a success. A correspondent informs us that ho religiously sandpapers his golf clubs every Saturday. So that he can take the rough with the smooth, of course. ' An entomologist has discovered a ' black-and-white moth that appears only at night. There's really nothing new in. this. Moths frequently appear in dress suits "You can tell a lot about men by studving the backs of their necks," says a writer. That may be so, but it's not much consolation when you want to •see/the football match. THE WAY OF THINGS Joan never got engaged: she talked never got engaged: she stalked too much. , ALL FOR PEACE "That remark of yours would mean & fight where I come from!" "Well, why don't you fight thenP" " 'Cause I ain't where I come from." MONEY TALKS Ther? once was a man not unique, Who imagined himsolf quite a shique, But the girls didn't fall For the fellow at all. He made only £3 a wique. FISHY 1 . "Are you the boiled cod, sir?" asked the dilatory waiter. "No," replied the weary customer. •"I'm just the lonely sole with an empty plaice and I want a fillet." A BIGGER THRILL "Only last year in India," boomed the club bore, "I suddenly found myself face to face with a man-eating tiger." "And only last week," murmured the quiet little man in the corner, "in a • restaurant, I found myself face to face with a man eating fish."

COALS TO NEWCASTLE Business Man: " Well, if it isn't John Corcoran, the man I met up in Maine one rainy night six years ago at the Moose River Junction railway station." . ' v Salesman (retreating to door): Good flay, sir."'^ Business Man: " Aren't you going to try and sell me something?" "Salesman: "No. I sell memorytraining courses."

Ifc is not as easy as pio to play golf, even though many take a number of slices. "Every one of uei," declares a doctor, "owes a great deal more than he realises to the wild north-cast wind." Hats oil' to it! "When all is said, the Stone Ago man must have been a pretty stout sort of fellow," declares a scientist. His wife took somo beating, too, wo imagine. A new danco in America is called "The Spinal Shuffle." The musical accompaniment is a jazzed-up rendering of an old Scottish melody called "Ye Banks and Vertebrae."

THEY UNDERSTOOD "I never saw such a fish!" explained the angler, "We quite believe you," remarked a listener. FOR ENGLISH READERS ONLY The real reason why Scotsmen prefer wearing a wrist watch is because they hate taking anything out of their pockets. (Put down that gun, Angus). SILENCE PLEASE! "Why do they call these cinema attendants ushers, mother?" asked the little girl. " Don't be silly," interrupted her brother. "It's because they have to tell the people to be quiet." FATHER WOULDN'T DO "The next time you are late you must bring an excuse," announced the teacher. "Who from?" asked Tommy. "Your father." "He ain't no good at excuses." said Tommy. "Mother finds him out every time!"

ONE BETTER The worried husband was trying to balance his budget. Presently his wife came across to him and presented a list of requirements. He seized it savagely... "More money!" he sighed. "This life is like a game of chess. Nothing but cheque, cheque, cheque!" " And," she quietly put in " if you don't give me more money it will be more like a game of chess. It'll bo pawn, pawn, pawn!"

Short Short Story: Man—girl; carwhirl; "Stop 1" fail; crash —gaol. "Can you suggest a good jumper to follow at Easter?" asks a punter. Why not one with a pretty girl inside it? "Television will be a great boon to tho family gathered round the fireside," says a writer. But will father get a look-in? An American says it is possible to entrain in Texas and still bo in Texas after twenty-four hours' travelling. Wo'vo got trains like that hero. A sports writer tells us that tho "anchor" of a tug-of-war team is generally a man of stamina and determination. Ho certainly hangs on to tho end. "A bottle of gin was sent to me on my birthday with an unsigned card," writes a correspondent. "I don't know what to make of ifc." How about cocktails? It appears that, although tliey are adopting Western dress, the Japanese still take off their boots when entering a house. Mon do it in this country—round about 2 a.m. At a seance in America a medium remained in a trance for somo time and then hiccoughed loudly. This was felt by those privileged to bo present to be a genuine message from departed spirits. "Everybody seems to be writing his memoirs nowadays," says a critic. We hear that a retired milkman is now at work on a pi.quant volume entitled "People Who Have Come Homo With Me."

MODERN MOMENT "Am I the only girl you ever kissed?" "You are." "Yes; I thought you kissed like it." NOT A CHANCE It was his first visit to America, and he was becoming annoyed at the frequent demands to see his papers. The hotel-keeper explained: "How else can I be sure that the lady really is married to you?" "Laddie," said the tourist, "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can prove that she isn't."

A leader of men is one who sees which way the crowd is going and then steps in ahead.

"] have often noticed that a footballer gets stout in middle-age," remarks a doctor. Centre forward, so to speak.

"If you go to America you will hear real dance tunes played by real dance bands," says a writer. You have been warned.

A hundred bottles of wines and spirits belonging to a country golf club have been stolen. The other eighteen holes were left up touched.

A literary critic complains that there is too much politics about present-day fiction. And —alas —too much fiction about present-day politics.

An aeroplane nose-dived in a Naples street, but no ono was hurt. One theory is that some one had told the pilot to see Naples and die.

"A gentleman," I read, "is ono who maintains his dignity in all circumstances." I'd like to see tho fellow who wrote that eating a pig's trotter. NATURALLY "Have you any complaints to make?" asked tho prison governor. " Yes," replied the prisoner; the prison walls are not built to scale. PUTTING IT OFF " I see an American has claimed a world's record for a delayed parachute jump." " Mine will be delayed longer than that." UNIQUE " He married Sylvia because she's different from all the other women ho knows." " Different! How?" " She's the only ono who would have him." ORDERS A commercial traveller, held up in tho North Auckland district by a storm, telegraphed to his firm in Dunedin: " Marooned here by storm. Wire instructions." " The reply came: " Start summer holidays as from yesterday." HIS TASK "Hullo, old man! How you've changed! What's making you look so old?" " Trying to keep young," was tho reply. " Trying to keep young?" "Yes'—nine of them," was the gloomy response."

FACT Why bother to write jokes, says an American paper, when one can got dialogue like the following overheard at the Bureau of Naturalisation? " Where is Washington?" " He's dead." " I mean the Capital of the United States." " Oh, they loaned it all to Europe." " Do you promise to support the Constiution ?" " Me? How can I? I've a wife and six children to support."