CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXII, Issue 22262, 9 November 1935, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

The quickness of the hand bereaves the fly. Overheard: "Does Jones live here?" "Yes, carry him right in." The only way some people can keep the home going is to keep moving. But Can They Count?: "Bees only sting three times," says a naturalist. Keen on the job: The estate agent who dreamed that the streets were paved with "sold." I read that hugging is a Moslem custom. Gosh! What a lot of Moslems I saw at the seaside last week-end.

NASTY HABIT " It's sickening tho way my wife keeps talking about her first husband." " That's nothing. Mine keeps talking about her next." WORRIED The butler approached tho gardener with a worried look. " I'm in a bit of a fix this morning,' he said. " What's tho matter?" asked the gardener. " Its the young master," explained tho butler. He had rather a night of it, and he told me to rouse him at six o'clock, as lie wanted to see tho horses at exercise." " Well, that was simple enough." " No, it wasn't," complained tho butler. " You sec, he didn't go to bed till 6.30!" TOO RISKY The minister had just married an elderly and rather dour Scot to a woman considerably younger than hiiiN self, and after the ceremony ho remarked to the bridegroom, " Well, I supposo you'll be going for a honeymoon now?" "Honeymoon?" echoed tho other. " What's that?" "Oh, you know," laughed tho clergyman. "A littlo trip somewhere together before you settle down to married life." Tho bridegroom shook his head morosely. " Na, na," ho said. " I dinna hold wi' gallivantiu' aboofc wi' a strange wumnian."

The mailed fist: An advertisement offers a correspondence course in boxing. Young reporter: "I'd like to get ahead. News Editor: "You certainly need one." Suite-hearts? "Engaged girls nowadays think of nothing but furniture," declares a writer. "I adore horses." "Yes, I see you always ride them with your arms around their necks." A football match between two teams of dentists has been arranged. It will probably end in a "draw." "Gifts of goats are a common betrothal present in mid-Europe." Oh, George, you keep kidding mo so! All hands to the Bumps: A provincial cricket club has requested every member to assist in levelling the pitch. Among other devices that show how notably civilisation has improved our morals are cash registers, combinatipn locks, and burglar alarms "The guest -who is unfamiliar with the procedure at formal dinners should just sit tight," advises a writer. But supposing lie can't get enough" to make him ? During the hearing of a recent accident case, the magistrate said that to propose marriago to a girl while driving a motor-car was asking for trouble. Why "while driving a motor-car" P „

KEEP CLIMBING " The Utterly-Utters are just wild about society, aren't they?" " Why. my dear, they're such social climbers that they've oven named their youngest daughter Ivyl" CALLOUS YOUTH Nervous Suitor :"lf I give you a shilling, will you tell me what your sister says about me?" Little Brother :"Make it two bob, and I'll tell you what dad's going to do to you." CORRECT " Pationco and perseverance will accomplish all things," said a passenger in a railway compartment. " Nonsense, sir," said a fellow passenger. " Will patience and persot'eranco enable you to carry water in a sieve?" " Certainly 1" " I would like to know how?" " Simply by waiting patiently for the water to freeze." SNAPPY "Over tho bridge for Morecambe!" shouted tho harassed porter as loudly as he could. A woman tapped him on tho shoulder. " Which is tho train for Morecainbe?" sho asked. " Over tho bridge for Morocambe," repeated the porter. " But I'vo got a tin chest," she expostulated. " Lady," said tho porter, through clenched teeth, "I don't care if you have a brass back, copper legs, and cast-iron feet—it's over the bridge for Morecambej"

The young idea: " What is home •without a motor?"

Pugilist Philosophy: Ear to-day, cauliflower to-morrow. Hint to Fruitgrowers: To stop dry rot —turn off the wireless set. Let a cadger have five bob, and you'll often find it's only the beginning of the lend. My hairdresser has bought a car, but professional habits persist. He can't help shaving corners. Crusader: The man who married for a wager and is now leading a campaign against betting. Now that gliders are being towed by aeroplanes, that makes two ways of committing suicide with a rope. " The muted saxophone is an excellent idea," says a jazz iieader. An even better idea is to stuff cotton-wool in the ears. "Is it too late to start writing poetry at sixty-five?" asks the writer of a letter to a daily paper. On the contrary, it's far too early. According to a contemporary, the modern burglar is still two steps ahead of the police. That is where the long arm of the law should come in handy. " There is a certain type of woman who seems to delight in evils of her own making," says a clergyman. And expects her husband to eat them, too.

JUST FANCY Sho: "To think that I'm the first girl ,vou ever loved." , He: " Yes, darling." She: "And to think that you believe that I believe that!" PERFECTLY FAIR A racing trainer had caught one of his stable boys stealing oats, and seemed undecided what course to take. In the meantime the fitable boy had asked his mistress to intercede for him. The trainer's wife pleaded with her husband, and, quoting the Scriptures in support of leniency, said: "We were taught when a man took our coat to give him the cloak as well." " Quite true," the trainer replied, "and as he has taken my oata I am k going to give him the sack."

I read that at a recent film wedding ex-husband No. 1 gave the bride away. The cad. Meeting: "How are you? I've heard such a lot about you." "Yes, but you can't prove it." The trouble with life nowadays' is not so much keeping in the van as keeping out of the cart. Just after the K. 0.: "The boxing world revolves round the heavyweights," says a vriter. A list to port, in fact: According to a head waiter, women have a leaning toward red, sweet wine. "Many actors suffer fiom indigestion," says a 'writer. This may be due to their partiality for new roles. During a village concert the stage gave way and the vocalist fell through. [e was accompanied by a friend at the piano.

A paper refers to " the biggest hotel thief in the world but does not say whether he is the manager or the headwaiter. Radiator caps on motor-cars should be more artistic," says an engineer. Naturally, the radiator cap is the first thing that strikes a pedestrian. SO STJDDEK! Jack: " I'm thinking of asking some girl to marry me. What do you think of the idea?" " Jill: " It's a great idea, if you ask me." RESPECTABLE " I believe chess is a more reputable game than bridge." " In what way?" " You play chess with two bishops, and bridge with four knaves." RIVALS Sol and Abe had always been rivals in the restaurant business. When they had resorted to every means of outdoing each other, and seemed to be running along at a dead heat, Sol took a plunge and leased a building across the street from his rival. He repainted its front and hung out a flaunting sign bearing the name of the new establishment. It was: " Grand Cafe of the Two Hemispheres." \ ' ' , Abo was distraught when he saw tho custom that surged into the new restaurant, and, vowing not to be outdone, had his place repainted and hung out an even more ostentatious sign. It read: " Grand Cafe of the Three Hemispheres." • AMPLE " I have called to see why your daughter Emily hasn't attended school lately," said tho school attendance officer as he stood at the cottage door. "'Cause I think she's learnt enough," retorted Emily's mother shortly. " Why," exclaimed the visitor, "she's only passed through two classes yet." "Well, ain't that enough?" asked tho woman. " I dunno what eddication is comin' to. When I was young,, if a gal understood the elements of distraction, provision or replenishing an' the common dominator, an' knew all the rivers and their obituaries, the provinces and the umpires, she was reckoned to have eddication enough to see her through." <