CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXII, Issue 22172, 27 July 1935, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

A new autobiography costs £lO 10s. This is known as selling your lifo dearly.

Modern schoolboys have a definite aim in life, we are told. Usually in the direction of the glass-house.

" Don't take tiny tots on a hike," implores a hiker. Many hikers call in at every other inn for a good stiff one.

Nobody seems to know where the younger generation is going, says a magistrate. Perhaps not, but they seem to bo enjoying the trip.

A doctor says his pet aversion is Americans with gold-filled teeth. Yet, as the Wild West prospector would say, " Thar's gold in them tliar mount'ins."

EXPLICIT An Irishman got a job at a railway station. When tho first train came in, however, ho forgot the name of the station, so lie called out: " Hero ye are for where ye are going. All in there for here, como out!" NOT QUALIFIED The Hollywood film director wanted someone to play a Scotland Yard detective, and tho casting office sent along a possible mail. After a very brief interview tho director sent the actor back with a note: " This man won't do. Ho hasn't a trace of a Scottish accent." NOT SO GREEN " Here I " called out Reginald, tho office wit, to the new boy. " Run over to Nibs and Dibs and get three pennyworth of pigeon's milk. Here's half-a-crown; bring the change back to me and bo quick about it." Tho boy set out, but did not return for somo time. When he did get back tho manager was giving orders to Reginald. But the boy knew nothing of office fetiquetto, so ho stepped between them and produced a live pigeon. " Hero you are," ho said. " Mr. Nibs said you can jolly well milk tho bird I yourself. And there's no change."

" Milk for runners!" reads a diet article. They just lap it up in fact.

"Fore" is a contraction which means " Fore the luvva Mike, get out of the way." One London street has been burgled fourteen times. The inhabitants arc feeling the pinch. In New York, we read, bandits held up a motor omnibus. Anybody else would have jacked it up. "From now on your lawn should be cut once a fortnight," says a gardening article. Every time I see mine I cut it—dead A doctor says that a man who has lost all interest in his food should visit the seaside. Another good remedy is to marry the girl. " It used to be said that the man who hesitates is lost," says a magistrate. It is also believed that the woman who hesitates is extinct. WORTH IT " I'll give you thirty shillings for that pup." " Can't bo done, sir. That pup belongs to my wife, an' slie'd sob 'er 'eart out. Hut I tell you what—spring another ten bob an' we'll let 'er sob!" COMPETITION Madge: "Why do you prefer Wagner ?" Marjoric: " Because he composes about the only kind of music one can hear above the conversation." LONGEST ROUTE " The world is round, isn't it?" " Supposed to be, yes." " Well, if I wauted to go east 1 could eventually get there by going west, couldn't IP" " Say, what are you—a taxi driver?" r 1 TWO-MAN JOB He was, in fact, the absent-minded professor, and he was strap-hanging in a tram. The other arm clasped half-a-dozen bundles. He swayed to and fro. Slowly his ; ace took on a look of apprehension. "Can I help you, sir?" asked the conductor. "Yes, said the professor, with relief. " Hold on to this strap while I get my faro out." COMPLIMENTARY A well-known actor who was touring the provinces had ati amusing experience in a Midlands town. His landlady and her husband had been very kind to him and ho asked them if they would care to see the show. Receiving a cautious affirmative, ho gave them five shillings. Returning homo after the performance, the actor asked the elderly pair how they had enjoyed the evening. " Oh, fine, sir," replied the landlady, "only hope you don't mind, but we had a fish suppor and went to tho ipictures instead. '*

" The modern girl is not so black as she is painted," soys a writer. Nor as pink. The average man carries too much money in his pockets, according to a detective. He is not referring to the average married man, of course. A lot of fellows who spout so profusely about capital and labour never had any capital and never did any labour. It is stated that more women than ever will attempt to swim the Channel this year. Woman's place is in the foam. It has been estimated that if all the weekly boarders in this country wore placed end to erid they would reach out for a second helping. What few of us can understand is why civilised countries send out explorers to find other countries while we are having so much trouble with the old ones. An archaeologist declares that the instalment system was known in tho days of the Ancient Romans. AVe can just imag'no citizens dashing about tho countryside at week-ends in their chariots as if they really owned the things.

SUNK Two old settlers, confirmed bachelors, sat in the backwoods. The conversation drifted from politics and finally got round to cooking. " I got ono of them cookery books once, but I never could do nothing with it." " Too much fancy work in it, eh?" " You've said it Every one o' them recipes began tho same way: 'Take a clean dish —' and that settled mo." NO CHANGE Mother: " No, Tommy, I've told you a dozen times, I won't give you a penny for sweets." Tommy (in aggrieved tones): " I don't see where dad gets the idea that you are always changing your mind!"

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Two Tragedies: Wife backs horse. Wife backs car into garage.. " Egyptian roads are the worst in the world," writes a traveller. Hence corns in Egypt, of course. A racehorse has been named "Nudist.** It won't be long before-some punter will bo unable to resist the temptation to put his shirt on it. Can you tell me of any indoor ',' J game that has a kick in it?" asks a correspondent. • Bridge—with one's wife as partuer. A scientist claims to have discovered a more destructive force than any previously known to man. Our laundry will no doubt worm the secret out of him. * It is stated that all London riverpolice nre able to swim. .Tt would be very undignified if a boat-load of constables were upset in the Thames and juvenile experts on the bank began div» ing for coppers. 4 .1. RECOGNISED The wife of a well-known Norwegian author has been telling a story against herself. ' , Her husband had translated one of Shakespeare's plays into Norwegian, and it was to be produced at the " National Theatre in Oslo. Wishing to see the first rehearsal, to which her husband had already gone, she presented herself alone at the door of tha theatre, only to be refused admittance bv the doorkeeper, who did not know her. " But I am the author's wife," she protested in indignation. "I am very sorry indeed, Mrs, Shakespeare," said the man, politely, ; '* but even you cannot go in." SEEING THINGS Iwo strangers were in a railway carriage. The nose of one betraved his fondness for the bottle. Beside'him on the seat was a basket, and every now and then he lifted the lid and cautiously peered inside. This peculiar behavour aroused the curiosity of his fellow traveller, and he inquired what sort of creature might be hidden in the basket. The other man explained: " Well, it's like this. I'm continually seeing ,/ snakes, and, in order to deal with them, L thought it would be a good plan to have a mongoose in this basket." His fellow traveller laughed and said, " But the snakes you see aro only imaginary ones!" " Yes," was the reply, " but this ia . an imaginary mongoose." CHORISTERS' DILEMMA A well-known organist was conduct- " ing choir practice, the anthem under treatment being, " As pants the hart.' The choristers seemed rather short of breath, and did not sustain the note 9 long enough. . At last, when he could stand it no longer: "Your pants aro far too short," the organist called out, Stop, stop!"