Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXI, Issue 21792, 5 May 1934, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Centre of Gravity: Letter V. Irritable Employer (to applicant): " What are you—worried or single?" He: "Lot's wander along (lie bridle path." She: "Oil, Jack, this is so sudden!" Once there was a woman who never asked her husband if she was his lirst love. Her name was Kve.

A tramp was sleeping 011 a bowljng green; the club secretary, prowling round, kicked him gently and told him to clear out. " That's no way to set now members," said the tramp. Master: " Mary, has anybody telephoned while I've been out?" Maid: Yes, sir, but 1 could not make out the name. To bo, on tho safe side I said you would let him have something on account to-morrow." He had made a lot of money and, ou the strength of it, took a eastlo in Scotland. On the first evening the butler asked him: " Would you care to have the pipers at dinner, sir?" " No, thanks," he answered, " but you can put them in tho lounge and I'll read them later."

Old Gent (to warder at prison): "Is convict I'2l in, please? " " T met your husband yesterday, but lie didn't see me ' " I know; he told me." " That suit you're wearing is certainly a credit to your tailor." "Debit, old man, debit." Kirst castaway: Good heavens! Cannibals! Second castaway: Now, now, don't get in a stow. " Kvor.v time T kiss you it makes me a better man." " Well, you don't need to try to set to heaven in one night." " Does your wife believe all you tell her?" " Does she? Why, she believes lots of thiugs I'd never dream of telling her." " Do your people agree to our marriage?" "Not yet. Father hasn't said anything, and mother's waiting to contradict him." "Give me a pound of insect powder." " Do you want to take it with you? " " You don't expect mo to bring the insects here, do you?" Mrs. Brown: "Did your little boy enjoy tho party?" Mrs. Robinson: "1 think so. He wasn't hungry till halfpast five the next afternoon." " Aren't you tho boy who applied for the position a week ago?" "Yes, sir." "And didn't T say that I wanted an older boy?" " Yes, sir. That's why I'm hero now." " Why is old Bill looking so prpud lately?" "Well, he never realised what a fine citizen he was until he heard a lawyer defending him in a case the other week." A party of friends entered a restaurant and inquired of a waiter what was on the menu. Waiter: " We have only chicken left." Party of Friends (all at once): "I'll have a leg." Waiter. " It's a chicken, gentlemen, not a caterpillar."

Toacher: What is a polygon? Bright pupil: A dead parrot, sir. About the only establishment tlia.t makes money without advertising :s the Mint. A plumber in America has turned boxer. Perhaps he won't take so long now to come round. A writer suggests that bringing up a young son properly is adventure enough for any man. Positively heirraising. Caller: "Where can I find your husband?" She: "I haven't the slightest idea. Ho said he was staying late at the office to finish some work." New Complaint: Tho era7.o for flying has almost amounted to a disease which may shortly be known as aorosipolas, flyroid fever, inflewenza, or skiatica. Schoolroom Silliness: "Tommy, make me up a sentence with chicory in it." "J drink three cups of coffee every morning." "But whore's the chicory?" "In the cofl'oo. teacher." Alas! Eve is very slim and slonder, Also very kind and tender; And she loves a little joke.Alas! Eve loves another bloke! Driving Instructor: " Well, do you understand tho car now?" Beginner: " Perfectly; there's only one thing I should like to know. Do you put tho water and tho petrol in tho same hole ?" Miss Plain (joyfully): "J love being in Tony's company. He entertains me by talking about things oth<y men never mention." Miss Handsome (sarcastically) : " Indeed, has he proposed to you?" He: " I'm going to apply my talents, but I don't know whether to go in for art or for poetry." She: "Oh, poetry." He: " Oh, you've hoard some of my verses? She: " No; but I've seen some of your art."