Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXI, Issue 21769, 7 April 1934, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

The ideal wife is somebody else's. The early bird has to yet his own breakfast. Perhaps the only thing more difficult than popping the question is questioning the pop. " She litis a secret sorrow, hasn t she!- " " Good gracious, yes; hasn t she (old you about it ? "

" So Hilda's broken it off with Bobby. 'I wonder if sho still keeps his lovely letters? " " No. As a matter of fact, they're keeping her now." " Did you have anything in your garden this summer? " " Yes, several varieties." " What, for instance? " " Orpingtons and Leghorns." " Darling, I've bought you a simply marvellous washing-up machine. }ou just press a button and the work's done. " Hni —hum! —and who's going to press the button? " The professor gave his wife some ant's eggs, took the goldfish a hot-water bottle, wound up the baby, sang the clock to sleep, tucked the cat un in bed, and put himself out of the back door.

" There's many a slip ' twixt tho cup and the tip." Swiss Guides' Slogan: " Come up and ski mc sometime! " A woman likes a man with a good head on his shoulders —so long as it isn't another woman's. " Collecting ancient coins is no easy matter," says a writer. Collecting modern coins is even more difficult. Professor's Wife: " ITere is a report of your denth in the paper." Busy Professor: ".Is that so? Wo must remember to send a wreath." Percy: " Kr—cr—uni—um—that is—till—might I—er—er—" Jeweller: "Certainly, sir. Samuel, bring me over that tray of engagement rings." " Hark! The orchestra's playing ' Tea for Two.' " " No, darling, that's ' Follow the Swallow.' " " Oh, well, I knew it was some kind of' drinking song." Mother of Pupil (to music professor): " Do you think my daughter will be able to do anything with her voice?" " Well, it- might come in useful in the event of firo." Senior Partner: " We must dismiss that traveller. He litis been telling all our clients that I am an _ ass!" /Junior Partner: " I'll speak to him and tell him not to discuss business secrets." " My dear Mrs. Croesus, may I put your name down for tickets to Professor Pundit's course of lectures on Buddhism?" "Oh, bv all moans! Yon know how passionately fond I am ol flowers." Publisher (to struggling author): " Your work is quite good, and has style, but my firm is interested only in the work of writers with well-known names." Author (delightedly): "Splendid ! We can come to terms. My name's Smith." Tommy's first school report, which was was promising, read " Trying." The second term's report raised his parent's hopes by stating, " Still trying." The next report, however, dashed all hopes to the ground. It read: " Still very trying."

Try to understand a woman, and you will only succeed in marrying her. A list of hecklers names was taken at a political meeting recently. A sort of Boo's Who. " What's that fellow's trouble? Does he owe you any money? " " No, but he, wants to." " What coloured bathing suit was she wearing? " " I couldn't tell. She had her back turned." The girl who changes the colour of her hair, says a. cleric, commits a sin. She won't go to heaven if she dyes. " Well, he's certainly done auntie justice in this portrait." " My dear, it wasn't justico who wanted —it was mercy." Professor Brown (at the telephone): " What's that? You can't catch my name? Spell it? Certainly. B for Brontosaurus; It for ItlnV.ophorticao; 0 for Ophisthotelae; W for Willugbaoya, and N for Nucifraga." An elderly woman was asked which she thought wore Jiappier, people who were married or people who were not. " Well, J don't know," she said. " Sometimes 1 think there are as many is thiit ain't as ain't that is." Re held her in his arms and gazed into her sweet blue eyes. " What would you do if I tried to kiss you?" he asked 'heavily. " Yell for father," she quickly retorted. " Great Scott!" lie cried. " I thought lie was in India!" " 'i.hat's right, lie is," she replied. " Yes, T. ought to know Cambridge," the young salesman was saying. " I've just* been sent down from there. How thrilling!" said the pretty customer. " What did you do?" " Oh, nothing wrong—promotion from our Cambridge branch, you know." " The world's a small place," said the bore. " For instance, hist year in Paris I met a man who lives in the next road to me. Later I met him in Venice, then in Rome, again in Alexandria, and finally I crossed tho Channel with him. What d'you think of that?" " Why didn't you pay him what you owed him in the first place?" asked the man in the corner.