Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21640, 4 November 1933, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Father To-day: Guy that Fawkes out

Teacher: " What is a hamlet? " Pupil: " A little pig."

"Do you see that woman? She's suffering from kleptomania." " Really —why doesn't she take something for it? ""

A couplo who first met at the golf links are to marry. There seems to bo no limit to the hazards in golf.

Visitor: "Tell the master of the house a friend has called to see him." Maid: "You must bo at'the wrong house; tlio rent collector lives hero."

Mistress: " The last.maid I hacl was too fond of policemen. X shall expect von to avoid them." New Maid: " Don't worry about that, ma'am. I 'ate the sight of 'em. My father, is a burglar."

Jones: "Sorry, old man, that my hen got loose and scratched up your seeds." Smith: "That's all right. My dog killed your hen." "Fine! 1 have just killed your dog by running over it with my car.''

Wife: " Why don't you drop that stupid habit you've got of saying ' By Jove!' What do you know about Jove?" Husband: " 1 will if you will stop saying ' The idea! ' ov<*ry time you arc spoken to. What do you know about ideas? "

Mrs. Jones was spending a day in bed with a bad cough, and her husband was working in the garden hammering nails in some wood. Presently his neighbour looked over the fence. "How's the wife?" he asked. " Not well," Jones told him. " Ts that her coughin'?" " No, it's a new henhouse."

Ho: " You are my treasure!" She " You. are my treasury!"

Week-end Problem: Who does the talking when a barber cuts another barber s hair?

Up Electrons and Atom: A scientist declares that electrons and atoms arc constantly warring.

" I'll' tell you this,, old boy; I'm master in my own house." " Quite. And my wife's away, too."

" My position makes it imperative I select tho dances my daughter takes part in." " Then you're a sort of ' hoppicker,' eh? "

Mike Cto Pat, who is dangerously ill): "Have you made your will?" Pat: " Yes, Oi'vo left ivorything to tho doctor that saves mc loifc."

Young Man (to jeweller): "Will you take back this engagement ring?" Jeweller: " Doesn't it suit?" Young Man: " Yes —but I don't."

" Oh, dear, who's broken my beautiful china vnso?" "The cat, ma'am," said the new maid. " Whoso cat? " " Oh, lor', haven't you got one?"

" My aunt sent me a cheque for my birthday." " Good. Now you can pay me that pound you own me." " Just wait while I tell you the rest of my dream."

" Hut, father, John is really an important mail with his firm. He's manager of one of their branches." "He manages a branch! Good Lord, girl, he couldn't manage a twig! "

She (concluding the quarrel, haughtily) : " J supposo you would like your ring back? " Ho (politely): " I would, rather —unless you can find somebody to take over the remaining instalments." $

The park orator was warming to his subject. " Yes, my friend," he said. " We live in a wonderful era, this Age of Steel." " You're right," excitedly exclaimed a listener. " Somebody's taken my watch."

Two men, who lived next door to each other, but were not 011 very good terms, were exchanging uncomplimentary remarks across the garden fence. At last, one of them said: " Now, look here, old man, if you don't stop annoying me, I'll buy mv wife a new hat, and then you'll have to buy yours one, too."

Music in the Heir: A miilionare's*soil has become a band conductor.

" Johnny, auntio will never kiss you with a dirty faco!" "That's what I thought."

Customer: " Have you anything for grey hairs?" Chemist: " Nothing, sir, but the greatest respect."

" Darling, your father wants to know how much money 1 have." " Yes? " " Is it safe to toll him? "

Manager: " I never send a subordinate off on a fool's errand." Clerk: " No; it's so much better to go voursclf."

Farmer: " Hi, there! What arc you doing up in my pear-tree? " Boy: " There's a notice down there to keep off the grass."

" Dogs are such faithful creatures." " Yes, .1 once had a bulldog so attached to me that they had to prise him off my leg with a crowbar."

Mistress: " Why do you drink, Henry? Even a horse knows too much to drink! " Gardener: " A 'orse knows too much to get married,.too, ma'am!"

Ho: " But, darling, we arranged to keep our engagement secret." She: " Yes, but 1 could not help it. Yesterday Joan said no idiot would ever marry me, and I had to contradict her."

" This, sir," said the shop-assistant, proudly, " is the very latest life-saving hplt wo can procure." " Is it absolutely reliable! - '" asked the customer. " Well, sir, we've sold hundreds, and no one has ever brought one back."

Visitor (to little boy of the house): " And why won't you let me take you on the river in a nice boat?" Little Boy: "'Because I heard dad tell mother that you can hardly keep your head above water, and —and—I can't swim."

The pretty restaurant cashier applied for a holiday. "I must, recuperate," she said. " My beauty is -beginning to fade." " Indeed! " said the proprietor. " What makes you think so? " " The men are beginning to count their change."

" I suppose to educate your daughter in music costs a great deal of money? " " Yes, but I have had a good return for it." "Indeed?" " Yes. I'd been trying to buy out my next-door neighbour at half-price for years, and could never bring him"to terms until my girl began to learn to play."