Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21478, 29 April 1933, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Shooting season: More gunemployed. Alcohol is good for preserving things. Except secrets. " I have just shot a dog." " Was ho mad?" "Well, ho -wasn't very pleased." Grocer (after filling treacle jar): " Here's your treacle, sonny. Where's your money? " Boy; " 1 left it in the jar:" ' " Kitty: '"Oh! liave you a stamp? I just want to write a letter to a friend." Ivatty: " Have two and write to all of them." ,

Hostess: " I'm afraid you'll have rather a long drive back, you poor dears." Departing Guest: " But, darling, your sweet house is so charmingly situated that Henry and I agreed that the journey back will bo tho most delightful part of our visit." The mercer was disappointed that his advertisements had not produced results. Then a friend came along and solved the mystery. " Old chap, you'll never sell those overcoats. People come along and see that placard. ' These coats will only last a few days,' and then walk away."

Modern Maxim: When in Rome, do the Romans. Bore: Ono kiss from you and I could die happily. Bored: Well, hero's your kiss. * Teacher: " What is silence? " Lennie: " It's what you don't hear when you listen." So many banks hrfvc gone broke in America that customers are now receiving returned cheques marked " No bank." " How did Algy come to break off his engagement with that wonderful girl athlete?" "Ho learned that sho was taking boxing lessons." Doctor: " You need more exercise." Miss Thirtie: "But I go to a dance nearly every night." " Yes, yes; it is all this sitting about that is the trouble." The husband (looking for sympathy): Since I married I've been through a good bit, I can tell you. The Old Flame: Yes; your wife's entire fortune, they tell me. Hee: "Sorry, old chap, but I'm looking for a little financial succour again." Haw: " You'll have to hunt farther. I'm not the little financial sucker I used to be." Wife: "It must be grand to be a man! One dress suit lasts you for years, and a woman must have a new gown for every party! " Husband: " That's why one dress suit lasts a man for years." Mistress: "I've asked Mr. and Mrs. Smith to dinner at seven, Mary, but I think we'll give them a quarter of an hour's grace." Mary: "Well, ma'am, I'm religious myself, but I think that's rather overdoin' it." r ■ "How old are you, sonny?" asked the inquisitive old man of the little boy on the beach. " Six," came the brisk reply. " Six," echoed the old man, " and yet you are not as tall as my umbrella!" The boy drew himself up to his full height. " How old is your umbrella?" he asked.

Wise Thought: Brain waves make the biggest splash. A: " Why don't you show your wife who's master of the house?" B: "She knows." " Could you care for n chap like me?" " Yes, if lie wasn't too much like you." " Do you think my present income would be sufficient in case of my marriage?" "With prudence." "No; with Mary." Proud Mother: " I think Henry becomes more like his father every day." Neighbour: "Really? And can't you do anything to provent it?" " This deaf man was brought up for trial and the judge let him off." " Why?" " Well, the law says that you can't convict a man without a hearing." Customer: " Are these shoes worth repairing? " Shoemaker: "Oh, yes; 1 can put new soles and heels on them, and also new uppers. The laces seem to be all right." First Parent: "My son's letters from school always send me to the dictionary." Second Parent: " You're lucky. My son's letters always send mo to the bank." Mistress: " These bannisters are always dusty. Next time you are at the Smiths, you just notice bow highly polished theirs are." Maid: "Yes, ma'am; but they have four small boys." Reporter (to film star): " There's a crowd of people outside waiting to see you. Among them is a bishop who says he married you some time ago." Film Star: " I'm practically certain 1 never married a bishop." Sergeant: " But if he was on his hands and knees in the road, what makes you think he was loitering with intent to commit a felony?" New Constable: " Well, sir, he was groping at the white lino saying he was going to roll it up and take it home to make a frieze for his bathroom."