Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21332, 5 November 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Husbands in revolt: Turn of the tied. " iM;iv I present my wife to you ?" "No, thanks. I liavo one." First Artist: -"What did you paint for that exhibition of stili lifo?" "Second Ditto : " A plumber." Cyril: " What's all tho noise down there?" Clement: "Motorist turned a corner." " Well ? " " There wasn't any corner." I told my wife I would shoot any man who had flirted with her at the sensido. "What did eho say?" "She said I haA better bring a machine gun."

Woman (to irate booking clerk) : "Well, and what if tho child did give you monkey nuts, it was a natural mistake—you being bohind wire netting an' all! " Mrs. Smith (showing portrait of herself on her mother's aim): ' This is how I looked twenty years ago." ouest: -'Wonderful ! And who is the baby on your arm ? " Teacher: "If your father saw your behaviour it would give him grey hairs." Pupil: "Then ho would be pleased with it." "What do yon mean?" "Father's bnld." Engine Driver's Sweetie: And do you always think of me during your long night trips?" Driver: "Do I? I've nearly wrecked two trains that way already." Sweetie: "Oh, you darling!"

Catch-as Catch-Can: Matrimonial motto of some girls. " Did Harry propose to you In flowery language?" "Yes; but I nipped it in the bud." Jones: " Did you ever lose control of your car?" Smith: "Yes;, but I paid cash for this one." " We had a large party to supper last night." "Business acquaintances?" " No; just tho wife's mother." First riaygoer: "Why didn't you stay for the whole show?" Second Ditto: " Well, the programme said, ' Act three same as act ono.' " "Would you believe it? He actually ran away as they were standing at the altar!" "Lost his nerve, I suppose?" " No—found it again." Diner: "What kind of meat is this, waiter?" Waiter: "Spring lamb, sir." I thought so. I've been chewing on one of the springs the last hour." Motorist (stopped on bridge by country boy): " What's the matter ? Something wrong with the bridge?" Boy: "No. Look, me brudder's got a nibble." " Why have you broken off your engagement ? " "lie told me ho was connected with the movies, and the next day I saw him driving a furniture van." " Did you have a good time at the Sunday school picnic, Johnny ? " " Betcher • life I did. I fell into the ginger beer cask and after that nobody wanted to drink any except me." Mabel: " When Harold proposed to you did he go down on his knees ? " Marjorie: "Of course not." " Why didn't he ? " " Well—er—probably because they were occupied at the time." Mistress (instructing now butler): " Now, how do you address a baron ? " Butler: "Your lordship." "And his lady?" "Your ladyship." "And an admiral? " -" Er—your flagship." " According to this paper," observed Mr. Blugeon, " a man has lived a year on beer alone." " That's as it should be," observed Mrs. Blugeon. " Any man who lives on beer ought to be compelled to live alone."

Schoolboy Howler: " A syndicate is a Jewish place of worship." " I think your picture's adorable. Tt breathes tho very spirit of dawn. What are you going to call it? " " Sunset." " What's the matter with her ? " "I think her dinner disagreed with her." " Well, 1 certainly admire its courage." An American film star was applying for a passport. " Unmarried ? " asked the cleric. " Occasionally," answered the actress. Gussie: "The dentist told me I had a large cavity that needed filling." Gladys: " Did ho recommend any special course of study ? " Miriam: " I saw Mabel yesterday and we had a nice long, confidential chat together." Myrtle: "I thought so. She wouldn't speak to me to-day." " I'm thinking of applying for a job at the meteorological office." " What qualifications, have you? " "Well, I've a couple of pfretty reliable corns." Boy (applying for position as office boy) : I hope, sir, that you will take tho fact that all my grandparents are positively dead to be in my favour." " My wife is prolonging her visit. I need her at home, but it seems useless to write suggesting that she return." " Get one of the neighbours to suggest it, my boy! " Spectator: " I shall be mighty surprised if that referee doesn't get into hot water after the match." Country Fellow: " Then you'll be surprised. 'E's goin' in the 'orse trough." Employer: "John, you- were brought home drunk last night. How do people know where you live ? " Butler: " I always carry some of your visiting cards on me, sir." The Prodigy's Mother: -"Of course, I know she makes little mistakes sometimes; but, you see, she plays entirely by ear." The Prodigy's Untie: "Unfortunately, that's the way I listen." Martin: " I say, old man, can you suggest anything for my complaint ? I haven't closed my eyes for three nights." Mark: "Go in. for boxing. The first time I tried it my eyes were closed for a week."