Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21278, 3 September 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Good manners keynote: B natural. Modern Furniture: It often becomes antique before it is paid for. Doctor: " Above all, you need plenty of fresh air. What is your profession ? " Patient; "Aviator." Hostess: " Let's have a hand at bridge. You play, don't you, Miss Olde ? " Miss Olde: "Well, I hardly know. You see, I'vo never tried." Milkman: "I hope you're satisfied, madam?" Housewife: "Perfectly, thank you, I was told to give the baby half milk and half water, and yours is just right."

Old Lady: "Now, where did that sixpence drop, (hat I was going to give to the poor blind man?" Blind Man: " There it is, lady, right by your foot." Old Lady (to weary tramp) : " Poor fellow, you're an ex-airman and got hurt going up in a flying machine?" Tramp (souifully): " I'm a truthful man, mum —I got hurt coming down." Site (afler breaking the wish-bone): "What did you wish?" lie: "I wished that you would let me kiss vou. What did you wish?" " I wished that what you wished should come true." Banker: " You must realise, young man. that I can't give my daughter to a man whose future is not assured." Suitor: " But, sir, if you consent to our marriage my future is assured."

A TELEPHONE PUZZLE "Hello, hello! Who is it?" " Albert, sweetheart, speaking from Otahuhu." " Who ? I can't hear you ! " " Albert, darling—A for Arthur, L for Lionel, B for Bertram, E for Edward, R for Roy, T for Tom! " Yes, but which of you boys is speaking ? " THE WOMEN IN WHITE A village church was being dedicated by the bishop after restoration. There happened to be present two young women dressed in white. The bishop gave as his text, " Who are these arrayed in white? " To the amusement of everybody, a man stepped forward and addressed the bishop: " They be *wo young ladies stopping in the village, itur." LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT Two women were chatting over tea. " Yes," said one reminiscently, " I fell desperately in love with my dear husband at first sight. I remember it just as though it were yesterday. I was walking along the front at Brighton with my father, and he suddenly pointed to him and said, " There, my dear, goes a man worth fifty thousand pounds!" QUITE PREPARED Smallcash met his new friends, Mr. and Mrs Allgold, in the park. "My wife and I are so glad you're dining with us to-night," he said. "Of course, you mustn't expect such a sumptuous repast as the lovely dinner you gave us. " Oh, that's all right," replied Mr. Allgold. " We'll have a bite of something before we come along." A SERIOUS MATTER 'The leading lady was in tears as she hurried up to the manager. " My pearls have been stolen from my handbag, ' she cried. " Oh, don't worry," said the manager heartlessly. " Yes, but there was a pound note in the bag, and that's gone, too." " Ah, that's a different matter," exclaimed the manager, and rang up Scotland Yard. A CHANGE OF MIND Ike was very worried because a bill for £SO was due for payment to his nextdoor neighbour, Mo, next day, and he could not meet it. As he tossed restlessly in bed, his wife asked him what was wrong. Ike explained, adding: " It's on my mind, Rebecca." Reliecca went to the bedroom window and throwing it up, shouted loudly: " Mo, Ike can't pay you that £SO ho owes you to-morrow. Closing the window, she returned to bed, saying: " Veil, it's on Mo's wind now."

A Grass Widow: A woman whose husband died of hay-fever. Over Politeness: The patient who refuses to put his tongue out to a doctor. Matinee Girl: "I was on the stage once." Matinee Idol: "Well, the stagedoor keeper can't bo on guard all the time." He: "Jack was pinched twice." She: " Yes?" He: " First for speeding and then for money." Jane: "What first attracted you to Harry, dear!" Judith: "The fact that we both liked the same tooth paste!" Prison Governor: " You say you havo a complaint to make ? Well, what is it ? " Convict: "There ain't enough exits, sir." Speaker on platform (roaring): " Why don't you men give your wives more credit?" Man in front row: "Because they want cash." Long-Haired Customer: " Are you the man who cut my hair last time?" Barber (tersely)l couldn't be, sir; I'vo only been here a year." * "Did the prisoner offer any resistance?" asked the Judge. "Only half-a-crown," said the Irish constable, "an' faith, yer honor, I wouldn't look at it." Husband (irritably): " Can'l you remember whero I put my pipe?" Wife: "No, dear." "Good heavens! That just shows the forgetfulness of women!" Mistress. " Mary, I saw a man kissing you at the back door yesterday. Was it the postman or the policeman?" Maid: "Was it before 8 o'clock or after?" "Do you play hockey or football?" enquired the doctor, as ho examined his patient's shins. " Neither," was the reply. " I play bridgo and my wife .« usually my partner." Tommy (to neighbour who is always borrowing) : " Dad says he's buying some new records and could you go with him, as ho wouldn't like to get any tunes you don't like."

Tommy's Mother: " Why have you been so naughty lately? You aren't half as good a boy as you used to be." Tommy: " I know that, mother. I can't keep up to the ' good-as-gold ' standard, so I've gone off it."

THE OTHER WAS WORSE. " Now," said the passenger, as he climbed aboard the express train, "I must be awakened when we get to Exeter. Will you kindly put me out there ?'' The guard replied in the affirmative and received a handsome tip in return. " Don't take any notice of my protests when you come to wake me," warned the passenger, and added: "I'm a heavy sleeper, but just put me out on the platform." Some hours later he awoke and discovered that the train had passed through Exeter. He was very annoyed and sought the guard to whom he expressed his frank opinion of that gentleman. " Ah," replied the guard, " you've certainly a bit of a temper, but it's nothing compared to that of the fellow I put out of the train at Exeter."

IN WORKING ORDER The office telephone was out of order, and a workman was sent to carry out repairs. Aftejr a time, the workman suggested that the occupier of the office should call up an acquaintance in order the test the working of the instrument. The man called for the telephone number of his own home. When the connection was made, he spoke into the transmitter: "Maria!" There followed a few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone, "Maria!" A storm that had been gathering broke at this moment, The telephone wires were struck by lightning and the man was hurled violently under his desk. Presently lie crawled forth in a dazed condition, and regarded (lie repair man plaintively. " That's her! " lie declared. " The telephone works fine."

Some people are so mean that the ouly thing they ever givo is offence.

The Morning After: What is the younger generation getting up to 1" asks a busybody. Lunch. Monologue: A conversation with a man who has just returned from his first ascent of Mount Ruapehu. Teacher: " What is a distant relative, Bobby?" Bobby: "Please sir, my cousin, Jim. He lives in Timbuctoo." Tailor: " Three-button coat, sir, or fourbutton?" Customer: "The fewer you arrange for, the fewer I'll bo minus." Visitor: "Your son is rather small for his age, isn't ho?" Fond Mother: " Oh, no; most boys of his age are overgrown I think." She: " Billy's face is getting quite wrinkled." Ho " Sign of don't care." She: "And his clothes are wrinkled, too." Ho " Sign of don't care." Mrs. Brown (concluding argument with neighbour): " Every time I look at you, Mrs. Smith, I feel i'm doin' the Government out of entertainment tax." Mistress: " Mary, you've done no work again to-day. Whenever your sweetheart comes to seo you, the only part of the house that is cleaned out is the larder." " You seem to enjoy watching your son play football?" "Oh, yes!" answered Farmer Giles. " If ho ever gets into the habit of working as hard as that, we may mako the old farm pay yet." First boy. "My father made a scarecrow that frightened every cow in the place away." Second boy: "Mine made one that scared them so badly that they brought back the corn they stole before he made it." " Yes," said the local member of Parliament, " I'm going among the farmers today, to a vegetable show, or fat stock show, or something of that sort. Not that I care for vegetables or fat stock, but I want to show the people that I'm one of them."

An old negro was burning the grass off his field. A know-it-all stepped up and said, "Don't do that, uncle. It will be as black as you are." "Nevah mind," uncle replied. "It will grow up and be as green as you are."

TESTING HIM The young lovers were strolling arm in arm along the Lovers' Walk. Above, the moon shone down in full brilliance. Presently she turned her face to him. " George," she whispered breathlessly, "do you love me mere than you ever loved anyone else T " " Darling," he returned in soothing tones, " of course." She detached herself from him and her voice took on a harsh note. " But how do you know unless you've been loving a lot of other girls ? " she asked. NOT SO " AWFUL " AFTER ALL

The little church was full, but the marriage ceremony seemed in danger of being stopped, for the bridegroom was deaf, and could not hear the important question: " Wilt thou have this woman for thy lawful wedded wife ? " "Eh?" said the. deaf man. The clergyman raised his voice: " Wilt thou have this woman for thy lawful wedded wife ? " This seemed to annoy the bridegroom. " Oh, I don't know," he said. " She isn't so awful. I've seen worse than her that didn't have half as much money." DELIVERING THE GOODS Over the garden fence the conversation had suddenly, turned acrimonious. " An' if your boy 'Erbert ties any more tin cans to our pore dog's tail," was Mrs. Muggins' stern ultimatum, " there'll be trouble, that's all!" She paused. Then another thought struck her. " Oh," she said, " perhaps you've done wi' me saucepan you borrowed on Monday last?" " 'Erbert," shrieked the other woman, " what 'ave you been doin' to Mrs. Muggins' dog ?" " Nothin'," replied the boy unblusliingly. "There!" exclaimed hia mother triumphantly. " And you returned her saucepan, didn't you, dearie?" " Yus, ma," ho answered abruptly. " Sent it back by the dawg." CUSTOMER'S WANTS It was Sunday morning, and the conductor, as his * bus rattled along, was not quite so wide awake as usual. At all events, he didn't observe the small boy who dashed out of a house, shouting, " Hi, there, stop! " It was only when a passenger had prodded him in the leg that he became aware of the pursuing boy. The conductor looked disparagingly at the boy, but decided ho had better pull up. " Now then, shaver, hop on! " he said, when the boy panted up. "Who are you callin* 'shaver' ?" inquired the youth scornfully. " An' what d'you mean by runnin'/away from customers ? ' Ere, mother wants two 'a'pennies for this penny. She's goin' to church."