Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21165, 23 April 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Car-owners' worries: Automo-bills,

Matrimonial agencies: Male order busi ncsses.

" Looks arc determined by diet," says a doctor. What a lot of people rnust eat plain food !

" Is your wife fond of listening-in ?" " Not half so much as slio is of speaking out."

Doctor: "What did your grandfather dio of?" Wilson: "I don't remember, but I know it wasn't anything serious."

Mrs. New Wed: "I want some lamb, please." Butcher: "What part, ma'am?" Mrs. New Wed: "Tho part you cat mint sauco with."

He: " I don't believe that one marriage in ten is happy." She: " Really, I'm not competent to say. I've only been married three times."

" Mrs. Jones is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilses or filters everything in the house." " How does she get along with her husband ? " "Oh, even their relations are strained.'*

Most burglars arc as honest as the day is long.

" Jolly good job rny wife doesn't know where I was last night." " Where were you ?" " I dunno."

Joan (rejecting suitor): "No! A thousand times no!" James: "Don't rub it in. I only asked you once."

" Well, old chap, I'm glad to her you say that you'll lie on your feet again, soon." " Yes, I'll have to sell my car nc:;t month."

Political speaker: "I'm pleased to see such n dense crowd here to-night.' Voice from crowd: " Don't be too pleased. We ain't all dense."

Wife: "How is it that Mr. Nextdoor always catches bigger fish than you ?" Husband (an amateur angler) : " His arms are longer."

Father: " Now, Tommy, if I hoar you saying, 'Oh, yeah,' I'll stop you from going to thoso American pictures." Tommy: ".0.K., chief."

"What is capital and labour?" "Well —supposo I lend you ten pounds." " Yes." " That's capital; and if 1 try to get it back that's labour."

Old Gentleman: "Your singing, Miss Fanny, is like attar of roses " Miss Fanny (with a gratified smile) : " Oh, you are too flattering." " A littlo of it goes a long way." Farmer's Daughter: "I am afraid you have forgotten to fesd the pigs again, Giles!" Giles: " Not n, bit, miss! I only feeds 'em every other day. Makes tine bacon streaky!" " Surely you're not tho big boy who lived next door to mo when I was a little girl?" "No; I'm the little boy who lived next door to you when you wore a big girl." Nurse (at mental hospital) : " There's a man outside who wants to know if any of the male patients have escaped lately." Doctor: "Why does he ask?" Nurse: " He savs somebody has run off with his wife."

Philosophy: There's no time like the pleasant.

She: "We women suffer in silence." He: "Yes, I always understood that it was painful to you to be silent."

Greatly: "That fellow owes me ten pounds." Bones: "And won't he pay it?" Greatly: "lie won't even worry about it!"

Teacher: "Lot us imagine I gave you eight pennies " Freddy: "If t'hey are just imagine pennies, why not make them shillings?"

Husband: "After all, there is no place so comfortable as one's own home." Wife: "So you have quarrelled with somebody at the club ?"

'* Charles is boasting about his family tree." "But does it amount to anything?" "Oh, yes. It's all right as trees go. I believe it's shady."

Wife: "That new maid of ours must 1)0 from New York. She speaks of the nursery as tho ' noisery.' " Hub: " Well, I rather think that's the way it should be pronounced."

Judge: "I notice that in addition to stealing this money you took a quantity of valuable jewellery." Prisoner: "Yes, sir, I was always taught that money alone docs not bring happiness."

" Just slip along to Mr. Wood, Johnny, and ask him to lend me his hammer for five minutes." "It's no use, dad. I just ramo past his house, and he's got a notice up. ' The man what lends hammers is out. ' "

" You've already had leave, Brown, to see, your wife off on a journey—for your mother-in-law's funeral—for your little girl's measles—your boy's christening—what is it now?" "I'm goin' to get married, sir."

An Irish dairymaid was taken seriously ill, and a neighbour had sent her hoy to mako inquiries. " Plaise, Mr. O'Connor," iio said, " mother would Inike, to know how's tlia milkmaid?" "Tell yer mother that's a trade secret," was the reply.