Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21153, 9 April 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

A Current Topic: Arapuni. Medical Note: Where there's a pill there's a pay. " What do women talk about at afternoon tea?" asks a writer. " About nineteen to the dozen," says a bachelor. Tom: "Did your uncle remember you when he made his will?" Tim: "I expect so—ho left nie out." Banks: "You and Smith don't seem so friendly nowadays. Does ho owe you some money?" Harris: "No, but ho wants to."

" I'll give you sixpenuß if you'll go and wash your faro," said a poet, to his son. " Keep it and got, a haircut," was tlio modern child's reply. Mrs. Knagg (with magazine): " It says liore that, a South Sea Island wife isn't supposed to talk until lior hushand speaks first." Knagg: "I'll bet somo of those husbands are fools enough to do it."

Dirt Cheap: A man in England advertises garden soil at reduced prices. Daughter: "When did you first get acquainted with dad? " Mother: "About three weeks after wo wero married." Tom: "What are you doing now?" Sain: " I'm an exporter." Tom: " Since when ?" Sam : " Ever since the railway company sacked me." Visitor: " And now, I suppose, you aro out of danger?" Sick Man: " Well, not yet. The doctor says he'll have to call threo more times." " So you use three pairs of glasses, professor ?" " Yes; one pair for long sight, 0110 pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two." Crystal Gazer: "I see—l see a buried treasure—" Client: "Yes —never mind that. It's probably my husband's first wife. I know all about her." Farmer (to Noel): "What are you doing in that creek?" Noel: "I've been playing cricket with your bull, and lie won the toss and sent mo in first." " What dt> you think of the acoustics, Mrs. Ntirich?" whispered her neighbour. "Oil, I don't mix in Ihein religious squabbles. Let everybody worship in their own way, I say." "Bothered much by hikers asking for rides when you're out driving?" "Not now. Tried a new plan. As soon as I get out of town I show the sign ' Taxi on my car." A professor was crossing a bridge over a river when suddenly lie heard a cry. "Help! Help! I can't swim!" The professor leant over tlio bridge. "Neither can I, but I don't mako so much fuss about it." Nervous woman (in hotel): " Dear me, porter, this bedroom is a tremendous height froin the slree'. I do hope you lake precautions against fire." Porter: Oh, yes, miiiii; wo take, every precaution. Tho proprietor's p<>l the place insured for twico what it's worth."

" Excuse me, but aren't you Mrs. Brown." "No. But I could have been 1" Good Reception: Two men in London wero caught stealing wireless sets. They got tho polico station first time. " I'm afraid this 20 guineas dress isn't quite suitable." " What did you want it for, madam 1" " Oh, about five guineas." " Yes, my father always gets a warm reception wherever ho goes." "Really! Ho must bo popular." "It isn't that. He's a fireman." " No man with any sense would allow you to carry on tho way you do." " llow do you know what a man with any senso would do ? Man (signing on at tho Unemployment Bureau, to clerk): "Ain't I entitled to a rise?" Clerk: "Why?" " Well, I've been signing on three years now." Bertie: "Tho short story seems to lie very popular theso days. Basil: "Yes, by jovo! Nearly every man I meet in Queen Street stops to tell mo how short ho is." " I wish my wife would not live beyond our means." " Why does she do it?" " .lust to impress the neighbours who livo beyond their means just to impress us.' ' Bald Student: "You say you can recommend this hair restorer?" Barber: " Yes, sir. 1 know a man who removed tho cork from the bottlo with his teeth, and within 24 hours he had a moustache." Tt was her first visit to a night club. She was seated beside an artistic-looking young man. " Tell me," ho ventured, "do you care for mezzo-tints ? " " Well, no," shn stammered. "At least, not bnfoio supper."She had just returned to her home for Christmas after two years abroad, and happened to meet the, shy young man. " Why, I never thought, thai you would remember me," she said lightly. "Oh, yes," ho replied, searching for the right thing to say, " I recognised your hat."