Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21136, 19 March 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Community Stingers: Mosquitoes. A bachelor's life is often just one uridamed thing after another. Lettie: "Was ho hard to entertain?" Lucy: " Well, I found myself hard pressed once or twice." She: "Weren't you frightfully excited when you won all that money in tho big sweepstake? What did you do?" He: " Just kept calm—and collected."

Husband: " I met Brown in the city today, and the poor fellow was very despondent. Ho said he was perfectly willing to die." Wife: "Oh dear! Why didn't you ask him to dinner?" " Have you seen Jane since s{ie inherited a fortune ? " " Yes. She is greatly changed." " Jll what way?" " Well, she used to be frightfully skinny, and now she is divinely slender!

TIME PURCHASE SYSTEM. Father (at son's 21st birthday party) : You are of age now, and ought to hell) me a little." Son: "Yes, dad. What can I do for you ?" Father: "You might pay the last three instalments on your baby perambulator." HELPED HIM OUT. An accusing glitter in her bright eyes, she faced her husband. What is this long, dark hair on your coat, Henry?" she demanded. Oh—er—a horsehair, my lovel" stammered Henry, hoping for the best. Most likely!" sneered the good lady. " And no doubt you got it in a motorcar ?" " Exactly, my dear. The seat covering was worn through, and some of the stuffing came out." • SUCH IS LOVE! A woman walking along a London street was surprised to see a young man rush out of a gateway to the edge of the pavement, leap into the air and fall with a crash in the gutter. "Are you hurt?" she asked, hurrying up to him. When she found he was only bruised she asked, " Whatever were you doing ?" " It's like this," replied the young"* man, " I've just become engaged, and I was so happy 1 clean forgot I'd left my bicycle at home." GEORGE AND THE DRAGON. The time was midnight, and the man was leg-weary and very thirsty as he trudged along the country road. At length he came to a public-bouse called the George and Dragon. Ho knocked loudly 011 the door. Presently the bead of, a fierce-looking woman appeared at a window, and she demanded what 110 meant by disturbing her at that time of night. It.was long after closing time, and he'd never get a drink out of her. f " Go away," she shouted, "before I set the. dog on you." " Well, mum, ' said the man, " will you please tell George I'd like a word with him ?" THE SAME OLD HOWL. Two Scotsmen had ventured into the wilds, and what they lacked in experience they made up for in zeal. On their first night in the jungle the dismal" howling of a wolf disturbed their rest. Presently Macpherson rose to his feet, seized his rifle, and said : Ah'll bet ye an ounce o' tobacco I kill that darned wolf!" Ho trudged away into the darkness. Three hours later he returned, dragging a dead wolf. MacTavish grudgingly parted with an ounce of tobacco, and they settled down again. Just before dawn another howl rent the uir, and MacTavish nudged his companion. _ „ " Give mo that tobacco back," be demanded, " ye've killed the wrang one!"

The only charm some men possess is attached to their watch chain. " I dreamed about you last night, darling." " What dress was I wearing, dearest ?" "Guess what I'vo come to ask for?" "Money!" "Oh, what a dear, clever husband you are!" " Is it true that your son had to give up his musical studies because of ear trouble?" " Yes, I couldn't stand it any more." Wealthy Father: " You say a lot of people would like to see you many my daughter?" Suitor: "Why, yes, sir, all of my creditors would." Flippant Youth (about to play chess with venerable opponent) : " Now, fair do's, sir. 1 mean to say, no tricky work under cover of the jolly old beard, what!" On a card in the front window of a suburban house appeared the following notice; " A piano for sale." In the window next door another card appeared with just one word : " Hurrah !" She: "Oh, my tooth aches dreadfully! I don't see why we can't be born without teeth." He: "I think, my dear, that if you will look up some authority on that point you will find that most of us are." * Duke: " What was that unseemly hilarity I heard below stairs, I'opkiss ?" Butler: "Pardon, your Grace: but me and cook was celebrating our golden wedding." Duke: " Kindly see that such an event does not occur again." Solicitor (pleading for kleptomaniac): " Although my client was unable to overcome that irresistible propensity to steal, your Worship must not fail to observe that spark of patriotism within her heart which prompted her to assist Empire industries by stealing only British goods!"

STEP BY STEP. " Yes," said the' knowing one, " since entering the firm of Weather and Weather young Tom has advanced step by step through every department." His fair young listener sighed happily. "How wonderful!" she replied. "He must..be chairman or president of the firm by now." " No; just a shopwalker," said the knowing one. IN A WEAK MOMENT. Coynsel for the defence and prosecution had finished their speeches. The crowded court awaited the judge's summing up. Presently he leaned 'forward and glared hard at the thickly-set man in the dock. " Prisoner at the bar," he said, "it has been proved that you entered the building on the tenth. You tore up a huge safe and lowered it out of the window to the ground. Furthermore, you tore the door of the back entrance to tho building off its hinges. What is your answer to that?" The prisoner shrugged his shoulders. " Well, your honor," he returned, " I did it in a moment of weakness."

REASON FOR HEROISM. Sandy was the hero of his school. Tho reason for this was that during tho frost, when a near-by pond had frozen over, Sandy had rescued his friend Lindsay from disappearing through a gap in the ice." Some days after the event, the Head called the boys into the big hall, where ho was going to present the hero with a gold watch and chain. Tho presentation was duly made. Afterwards the Head said: " Now tell us what prompted you to do this heroic action, Sandy." Sandy shifted nervously, and said: " Well, sir, Lindsay had my skates on at tho time."

"Are yon fond of music?'' "Yes; but you neodn't stop playing." Waiter: "What was your order, sir?" Diner: 'That wasn't an order. That was a petition." Pug: ' Wlio gave you the black eye?" Buster: " Nobody gave it to me; I had to fight for it." „ " Will you he married in your church or his ?" " His, I suppose, l ie's Presbyterian, hut me—l'm wireless." Mother: " Did you get two cigars for that shilling for daddy's birthday?" Freddie; " Yes, and look at all the swect3 I got for the change." She: "Billy's face getting quite wrinkled." He: " Sign of care." She: " And his clothes are wrinkled too." He: " Sign of don't care." Wife: "Oh, John, I dropped my diamond ring bff my finger and I can t find it anywhere." Husband: "Don't worry any longer, dear. I found it in my trouser pocket this morning." After a football match a disgusted enthusiast went across to the referee and asked sarcastically: " How long can a man live without brains?" "I don't know," replied the referee; " how old are you ?" A man took a clock to a pawnbroker in an effort to " raise the wind." "Is it an eight-day clock ? " asked the pawnbroker. " I don't know," replied the man. "I've never had it out more than six days at a time! "• " Why these are not the shoes I ordered," exclaimed the lady of the house in tones of vexation. " They are expensive phython footgear; I couldn't afford to buy them." " Oh, I beg your pardon, madam," said the messenger, respectfully, " but you've opened the wrong parcel. This one is yours. The other was ordered by the cook! "

PLACE FOR A WASH. A man whose wealth was a recent acquisition entered a restaurant and said to a waiter, " Where can I get a wash ?" " A wash, sir ?" said the waiter. " Yes, yes," said the man of wealth, " a wash. How many times do you want me to repeat myself?" " Well, sir," said the waiter, " the toilet saloon is in the basement. You will notice on the door ' Gentlemen Only,' but don't let that stop you." HOW IT HAPPENED. The chorus girl was giving notice that the company would have to dispense with her services owing to her approaching marriage. " Pretty sudden, isn't it?" growled the manager. " It was, in a way," agreed the girl. " I only met him a short while ago, and at first I wasn't sure of my feelings. But the moment I saw his car I knew I lo\ed him." THE TRUTHFUL BOY. The house-to-house canvasser knocked repeatedly on the cottage door. There was no answer. Presently a little boy entered the garden. " Is your mother at home?" asked the canvasser. " Yes, sir," said the boy. The canvasser knocked even louder. "Presently he turned again |o the boy. "I "thought you said she was at home?" he asked with some warmth. "So she is," said the bpy; "but we don't live here." THE WRONG WORD. The population of the village had gathered in force to watch the formal laying of the foundation stone of the new library. > After one or two of the had made their speeches the foreman builder was called to the platform to say a few words. . . After clearing his throat he commenced in the following manner: — " Ladies and gentlemen,—l'm not much of a speaker; in fact, I'm far more suited for the scaffold than for the platform." And he wondered why the crowd burst into roars of uncontrollable laughter. A BRILLIANT EXCUSE. The point-duty policeman frowned hard at the pretty young woman at the wheel of the sports car. • " Why didn't you put out your hand when yon turned this corner?" ho said. She looked coyly up at him. " Well, you see, it's like this, Mr. Policeman," she commenced. " I've just been out with Tom. Tom, by the way, is my best boy, and he gave me the most thrilling diamond ring." ! She paused and displayed the jewel, and then continued: "Isn't, it a beauty? Well, I knew only too well that if I put out my hand the headlights of the car coming up behind me would shine on the diamond and dazzle the driver, and then anything might happen!"