Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21130, 12 March 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

An eye-opener: The alarm clock. " I met your husband yesterday, but lie didn't see me." " 1 know, lie told me." , " Her husband was a judge, wasn't lie?" " Everybody thought so till he married her." Guest: " Been long in the service of the family, Jones?" Butler: " Yos, madam. lam now serving the third degeneration."

Bride-to-be: " Well, what did your friend say when you showed him my photograph?" Fianco: "Nothing; he just, pressed my hand in silence."

Suspicious Wife: " Where have you been all the evening." Husband: "I've been talking business with Jack Baker." " And I suppose that's baking powder sprinkled all over your shoulder?"

AMUSEMENT TAX. A party of small boys gathered outside the dentist's surgery. Presently the dentist appeared. " Well," he said to the boy nearest him, "and what do you want?" " Pleaso, sir," said Tommy, the spokesman, " I want a tooth out." "Very well," said the dentist; "and what do all these other boys want?" " Oh, they're my pals," said Tommy. " Thoy'vo each paid mo a penny to &ee it done." IN A GOOD CAUSE. Two men attended a village church tea for which the tickets were a shilling each. The profits weic- to go toward providing comforts for the aged poor of the villago. Brown, after accounting for four cups of tea, a dozen sandwiches, three plates of bread and butter, five jam tarts and four buns, was passing his cup for the fifth time, when he turned to his companion, who was also doing well, and said: " I think everyone should encourage a thing of this sort —il'g for such a good cause." CLOTHES MAKE THE TRAMP. Hungry and tired after his long walk, Weary Willie at last came to a wayside cottage. " Please, ma'am," he said to the kindly woman who came in answer to his knock, " could you spare mo an old coat?" The cottager looked down at the tramp's garments. " But, my good man," she said, in tones of deep surprise, '' the one you are wearing is nearly new." "I know, ma'am," said Willie despairingly. " It's this coat that's ruining my profession." EMBARRASSED BRIDEGROOM. The bridegroom was embarrassed; the bride was self-possessed. "If it were only over!" he whispered, excitedly. " I know I'll do it wrong." "It won't take long, darling," she answered, consolingly. " You haven't much to say." Suddenly there came to the cars of the bridegroom the voice of the minister. " Kindly chango places with the bride." The bridegroom tried to do so, but stopped on the toe of her shoe, and, raising his arm, caught his cuff button in her veil. " Do be careful!" she implored. The minister began the ceremony. The bridegroom grew more and more embarrassed. " If any person knows any just reason." said the minister, " why these two should not be joined together let him now speak or for ever " "I will!"- shouted the bridegroom.

The reader is often carried away by the author's train of thought.

Getting it off Pat: A talkie actor recently went to Ireland to study the brogue.

"What became of his wife?" "He slopped away from home so much that she deserted him."

Mother: " Did you ever hear of a person who suffered by imitating a good example?" Son: "Yes, inotheiv— a coiner."

Groucho: "Mark my words, some day the worm will turn." Gran: "But what's its idea of turning? It's tho same both sides, isn't it?"

Smith : " Yes, it really was a wonderful party. Last thing I remember clearly was Brown trying to get into Jones' grandfather clock to telephone to his wife."

Unsuccessful author: "After my death the world will realise what I have done." Sympathetic friend: "Wei!, don't worry about it, old chap. You'll be out of harm's way then."

Little Girl: "Please, sir, mother wants a spool of red silk." Crusty Shopkeeper: " Why didn't your mother have sense enough to tell you tho exact shade of red?" "She did, sir; (she said about the colour of your nose."

The constable was faking the offender's name and address. " Why do you always lick your pencil before you write down the particulars ?" asked the latter. The constable frowned omitiotisly. " To make the case look blacker," ho said.

Jones went to the garage to see if they had succeeded in getting his car to work. " Look here," ho said to a garage hand, " this is my car. T want it, and what I say goes—see?" Just then a dirty-faced mechanic crawled out from under the vehicle and said: " Say ' engine,' mister."

SWEET REVENGE. A crowd had gathered round t.he poor man who had been bitten by the mad dog. A doctor was administering first aid. Presently the patient sat. up. " Doctor," lie said in a hoarse whisper, " give me a pen and a piece of paper." The doctor placed a kindly hand on the man's shoulder. " Tut, tut, my good fellow!" lie said. "You're all right; you needn't worry about making, your will so soon." " I don't want to make a will," said the victim with a slight smile. " I want to make a list of the people I'm going to bite."

THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS. Among a doctor's patients was a young woman whose complaint was that she was growing too stout. Ho prescribed exerciso and a special diet. He was surprised, however, to find the patient, on the second visit, stouter than ever. Did you follow tho diet I gave you ?" ho inquired. Yes," she replied. " I ate everything as you said." "Strange!" tho doctor mused. "And the exercise ?" Yes; just as you told me." And you did not eat or drink anything but what I prescribed ?" "Oh, yes!" was the reply. "I had my ordinary meals as well, of course!"

Attracted hy the 13 carats: A donkey recently swallowed a gold wedding ring.

Mrs. Ncwrich: "What is that?" Mr. Newrich: "Just a common grey squirrel." "Should I notice it?"

He (to his weeping wife) : " If the picture upsets you so, my dear, let's go out." She: "John! Don't be such a kill-joy! ''

" Your husband is sulking again. What's wrong this time ? " " Oh, it's just because I used his silly old tennis racquet to strain the potatoes."

Husband (annoyed): "Another new hat. Aren't you playing with our budget?" Wife: "Why, no dear. You know we made a liberal allowance for overhead expenses."

Young Sandy: "Two men were fighting, father, and a saxpenco rolled oot of one of their pockets. It's no' stealin-, is it?" Auld Sandy: " Na, na. It's the fortuno o' war!"

A man went to have his photograph taken. "Mounted or otherwise?" asked tho photographer. " Well, I'll have it taken mounted," replied the man; " but I don't know what my wife will say—she's never seen me on a horse before."

Vagrant: "I am not a lazy man, eir. I work when I can get work, but I've been out a job." Magistrate: "Look at his hands, sergeant. ' The policesergeant examined the prisoner's hands. " It's a long time since this man did any work, sir," he said critically. " His hands arc as soft as mine."

A minister told his flock that ho had a " call " to go to another church. One of the deacons asked how much more he was offered. " About £IOO a year," was the reply. " Well, I don't blame you for going," remarked the deacon, " but you should be more, exact in your lansjtiage, parson. That isn't a ' call,' that's a ' rise.' "

THE RETURN JOURNEY. " You are reading a travel book. Preparing for the holidays?" " No. I am on holiday now. I sit here and dream of travel." " But you are reading the book backwards." " Yes. I am on the return journey now." NO NEED TO WORRY. In a quiet country town a commercial traveller entered the general store. Going through to the parlour at the back, ho came upon the proprietor and a friend engaged in a game of chess. " Air. Jones," he said, " there are two customers in the shop." Jones did not raise his eyes from the hoard. He merely nodded and whispered: " That's all right. Keep quiet and they'll go away again." CHEQUE-MATES. Hubby was trying to balance his budget. Presently his wife came across to him and presented a list of her requirements. 110 seized it grimly. " More money," ho sighed. " You're always wanting money. This life's like a game of chess. Nothing but cheque, cheque, cheque." " And," she replied, "if you don't give me more money it will be even more like a game of chess. It will bo pawn pawn, pawn.". i AN EASIER WAY. Mark and Bill met on their way to work. "By the way, Mark," said Bill thoughtfully, " whero's old Joe? Haven't seen him for over a week." "What! Ain't you 'eard about 'im ?" returned Mark improssively. "No. What's 'appened ?" inquired Bill eagerly. " Joe got three weeks for stealing a car," lie was informed. Bill sniffed. " What over did 'o want to steal a car for?" lie asked. "Why didn't 'e buy one and not pay for it like a gentleman V THE FIRST STEP. The age-old problem of the best career for a boy was being debated by Jones and Brown. " What are you going to make your son when he leaves school?" asked Jones. Brown shrugged his shoulders " The wife and I think we'll make him into a ' violinist," he replied. Jones iiodlded knowingly. " A very fine thing, too." he said. " What teacher have you got for him ?" " Oh, we haven't got as far as that," replied Brown. " We're letting his hair, grow long first."