Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVIII, Issue 20922, 11 July 1931, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

The golfer's delight.—A tee fight. " Do you know, Jack's a riddle to me." " I know. Pm giving him up myself." He: " Will you many me?" Heiress: "No, I'm afraid nob." He: " Oh, come on, be a support."

" Can you employ my son in your office?" " What can he do?" "Why ask? If he could do anything: I could employ him in my own office."

"Great Scott! I've sat down on the wet paint in a new suit." " Oh, never iniud. We can paint it again!"

"Is your wife an economical cook?" "Rather! In the three months.,,l have been married I have lost ten pounds."

Small Boy's Mother: " I only wish your father would stay at home one evening to see how well you behave when he is out."

Producer of Amateur Theatricals: " Now, Miss Waile, at this point you scream out: ' Oh, oh! Save mo! ' " Miss Waite (a telephone girl): "Double-o! Save me!"'

" What did you say when you proposed to Muriel?" " I told her the truth. 1 said: ' I am nothing, I have nothing, and X can do nothing.' " " What did she do?" " She did nothing."

HE WOULD SAY IT AGAIN. A little hoy was walking in the garden when a neighbour called him and handed him over the hedge a jam tart. " Thank you, madam," he said. The neighbour was delighted. How well brought up you are! " she exclaimed. " I like to hear a little boy say ' Thank you ' to me." " Then give me another jam tart," answered the little boy. HE WAS MAKING SURE. He paused as ho was about to enter the bathroom. " Darling," he said to his„wife, "I'm going to take a bath." """Well, what about it?" she asked, puzzled. "! " Well, I just want to warn you no,t to give my suit away while I'm out of it. It happens to be the only one I have left." A MERE DETAIL. The. old-fashioned mother was lecturing her daughter. " You spent far too much time with young Collins in the garden last night," she said. " But, mother," replied the girl, " wo were only studying the stars." ■'• Stars! " echoed her mother. " But thoro were no stars. It was cloudy last night." The girl looked ever so surprised. " Was it? " she exclaimed. "Wo didn't notice it:" A PLEASANT EXCUSE. The dentist did not approvo of his daughter's courtship with the young bank clerk. But one day the lovesick swain called 011 the girl when hey father was out forthe evening. As he whispered sweet nothings in her ear the sound of heavy footsteps was heard in the hall. " Oh, darling! " cried the girl. "S '* Dad's como home unexpectedly. Whatever will you do ? " The lover was speechless. " George." said the girl, after thinking rapidly, you'll have to tell him yon came to have a tooth extracted! " BETWEEN TWO FIRES. The old .gentleman stopped beside the small boy who sat on the park seat crying for all he was worth. " Why are you crying, sonny V he asked tenderly. " B-boo," blubbed the child. "I've just fot«d sixpence." <" Bab you need not cry about that," said the old gentleman. "If I had found sixpence, I would think I was very lucky." "Yes; but you don't understand," murmured the boy. "If I give it to ipother, father will spank me, and if I give it to father, mother will spank me, and tif I keep it myself, they will both spank me."

Marriage is a good thing for some folk —furniture dealers, for instance. The man who wishes he had' never been born is not the only one who regrets iL ' • " Don't you think that travel broadens one's mind?" "Yes; you should take a trip round the world." r> , "... "How old are you?" "Six." "And you 'are not as tall as my umbrella." " How old is your umbrella?" She : " I wonder why we can't, save anything?" He: "The neighbours are always doing something we can't afford." " He told me he could live on my kisses for ever." " Are you going to let him?" "Not till I find out what I'm going to live on." . "Dad, what is a boss?" "A boss, my son, is a man who copies to the office too late when I am early and too early when I am late." " How's your little girl getting on with her violin, Mr. Binns ?'' " She s making great progress, ma'am. I took the cotton wool out of my ears yesterday."

" Why did you have only one of the twins photographed?" "They looked so much alike, it was no use spending the money -getting pictures of both." Guide (to. tourist)': " Yes, this Is a marvellous echo. The people here shout out of their windows as tney go to bed, and the .echo wakens them in the morning." ' ■ " I never see you with Miss De Style nowadays." " No, I couldn't stand her vulgar laughter." * " Really ? I never noticed it. "No? Well, you "weren't there when I proposed to her. ' ■ , ' ' i Lady Motorist (explaining delinquency to traffic officer): " Then I trod on this little gadget and it seemed to do something to the what-you-may-call-it. I hope I'm not being too technical for you." "My poor . woman," said the vicar, meeting one of his flock in widow's we&ds, " I had not heard you had again suffered bereavement." "Nor I ain't, sir," was the reply, " but my old man annoyed me this morning, so I'm paying 'im out by going into mourning again for my first 'usband."

A COINCIDENCE. They were moving to another house, when suddenly Mrs. Thomson wondered where little Eric was. She hadn't seen him for half an hour. " Have you seen my little Eric? " she asked one of the removal men. " No, mum," replied the man. " I ain't seen 'im since we rolled the carpet up. MUMMY'S NAME FOR HIM. A four-year-old boy was asked, by an elderly visitor what his name was. " Jinky," replied the boy. " But have you no other name?" asked the visitor. . " No," replied -the boy. "But what is your father's name?" she persisted. " Daddy," came the reply. " No, no," she went on. " Hasn't he another name ? What does your mummy call him?" 1 " Fathead," the boy replied.

NOT VERY FLATTERING. . t He was a very superstitious motorist, who attached a deep significance to the quaint-looking mascot which rode on the radiator cap of his car. During his last holiday tour the mascot broke off, and he decided to replace it as soon as ho-reached the nearest village. The first shop be came to was a small general store. Ho entered on the of! chance of their having the required article. . A very small girl was behind the counter. "I want a mascot for my car,"- said, the motorist hopefully. A: "A mascot!" echoed the child. " Yes; something funny and grotesque," went on the motorist. " Father," cried the little girl, through the doorway behind her, "you're wanted!'--

A song has been written for trampers. It is Look bright side of things—unless buying them. . Then look on bptli sides. ' ' "You were engaged for four years! Wasn't it rather wearying?" " No—it was not always the same man." Farmer (waking new hand at 4 a.m.): "Are yoii awake, lad?" New Hand: "Blimy! Ain't you in bed yet?" He had proposed. Site had refused him. " You are just a joke," she said. " Well, can't you take a joke?" he asked. " I understand the boss is very musical?" "So he should be! He's been playing second fiddle to his wife for ten years.' ■ Doctor: " The best thing for you would be a sea voyage. Can you manage it?" Patient: " Rather, doctor. I am captain of a transatlantic liner." Lecturer: " Can any of you ladies tell me what makes the Tower of Pisa lean?" Stout Student': " I'm sure I don't know, or I'd take some of it myself."

"Waiter! waiter!'' shouted the diner, '"this steak is burnt black." " Mark of respect, sir," the waiter replied, solemnly. " Our manager died yesterday." ■

Passenger: " The train's stopping. I pulled the communication cord by mistake. This looks like costing me £5. Scotsman: "What will you give me to have a fit?"

Customer: "To what do vou owe your extraordinary success as a house-to-house salesman?" Salesman: "To the first five words I utter when a woman opens the door—' Miss, is your mother in ?' "

She (fishing for compliment): " I suppose that you have known plenty of women sillier than me." (Silence.) "I say I suppose—" He: "Yes, I heard you. I was only trying to remember."

"I never see the, Browns coming to see you now. Have you quarrelled with them?" "Oh, no, but as they always dropped in at supper time we got tired of- them and gave them a hint that 'they took." "Oh, indeed. What did you do ?" " Well, we put nothing but sponge cake on the table!" -

SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT IT. It was raining heavily when Sugg's car started to play up, but he had to get out and try to find the trouble. He was in a black mood, and muttered something about " the confounded engine missing." Mrs. Sugg's sharp ears - caught the words, so she immediately chimed in: " Well, John, that is so foolish to say that. How can it be missing ? The garage has been locked up all tho week and •no one has been near it but yourself. A GOOD BET. Hayes called on his friend. ' I bet you ten shillings that you won't guess why I have come to see you," he said. His friend smiled knowingly. "That won't" be hard to guess," he said. " You've come to borrow money from me." Hayes shook his head and thrust out his hand. " Hand over the money," he said; " you're' wrong. I've come to ask after your health." PUT TO THE TEST. johnny, aged seven, came to school with tears in his eyes. " What's tho matter, my boy ?" asked the puzzled master. " Well, it's my dad," said tho boy. " He's a barber, you know, and he's invented a new shampoo." " But why should you cry over that?" asked the-puzzled master. "800-hoo!" blubbed the boy. "Every time he wants to demonstrate it, I get my hair washed.' - •

HE WAS MISUNDERSTOOD. Joan, tho city girl, went for a brief spring holiday in the country. After a while she became, aware of a young farmer who was paying her his attentions. One moonlight evening, as they were strolling across a meadow, they saw a cow and calf rubbing noses. The young man gazed longingly into the girl's eyes. . " Ah," he exclaimed poetically, " that sight makes m© want to do the same!" The girl smiled. "All-right, go ahead, then," she replied. "It's your cow, isn't it?" A FORTNIGHT TO GO. Tha had politely inquired how the maid's friendship with her young man was progressing. !" I've given Alf up," said tho girl bitterly. On a recent holiday, tho mistress was surprised to see the girl with the same young man. When" she returned tho mistress said; " I thought you told me that your friendship with that young man had ceased?",, " That's right, ma'am," explained the girl; " but he ain't worked out his fortnight's notice yet."-