ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20668, 13 September 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

iPoct (tendony): " Your eyes inspired me to write this poem." Adored: "Then I must soo an oculist at once."

Lieutenant: " When is a man entitled to be buried with military honours?" Kecroit: " When he is doad, sir."

Eva: " Bob has asked mo to marry him and make him the happiest man in the fworld." Nova: " And which are you going to do?"

" What's your candid opinion of a man •who .marries a plain woman for her money?" <" My dear chap, he deserves every penny ho gets!"

There are many good recipes for banishing grey hair. What is really wanted, however, is one that will banish tho groy .without shifting tho hair.

"Have your parents given their consent to our union '!" " Not yet. Father hasn't expressed his opinion yet, and mother is waiting to contradict liiru."

Mrs. Jones: "Yes, my boy Georgo started at the top of tho ladder." Mrs. Smith: "How's that?" Mrs. Jones: !' As a diver for a ship's-repair company."

The Flappor: "Now, mother, do try and remember what I want you to do. If Harry comes, telephone Jack that I can't meet him, because I'vo got to keep an appointment with George."

First Urchin: " My father's 'ad 'is photo graph taken." Second Urchin: " That's nothing. My father's 'ad 'is finger-prints took." —London Opinion.

" Fathor: " What do you mean, my •on ? Your teacher a nuisance ? What talk!" Archibald: " Well, that's what you cali me' when I ask questions, an' teacher does nothin' else."

Lady: : " How much are these chickens?" Butcher: "Six shillings and sixpence, ma'am." "Did you raise them yourself?" Butcher: "Yes. They .were five shillings yesterday."

A man had been visiting a certain widow very evening. " Why don't you marry her?" asked a friend. "I have often thought about it," was the reply, " but where would I spend my evenings then."

" I suppose you'll want me to give up my job, Henry, when we are married ?" " How much do you earn ?" " Five pounds 1 a week. ' "That's not a'job. It's a career. I couldn't think of interfering with your career, darling."

"I say!" exclaimed a customer in a druggist's shop, who thought he had been overcharged. " Have you any sense of honour ?" " I'm sorry," said the druggist, from force of habit, " I have not, but I have something just as good!"

" Mollic," said her mother, " you were very restless in church." "Was I!" was the penitent response. " You never see daddy behaving in that way. Why couldn't you be quiet like him V " Well, murnmie, you see, I wasn't a bit sleepy."

School Inspector: "And now, is there anyone who would like to ask me a question?" Small Boy (at the back): "Please, sir, was Adam black or white ?" School Inspector: "And now, is there anyone who would like to answer that question?" .

Irate Passenger (who had managed to board a motor-bus that didn't stop): " Suppose I'd slipped and lost a leg—what then?" Conductor (kindly): "You wouldn't have to do any more jumpin' then. We always stop for a man with a crutch."

The diner had waited ten minutes. At last tho waiter appeared. " Your fish will be here in five minutes," he said. Another , ten minutes passed, but no fish was forthcoming. The customer's patience became exhausted. " Tell me, waiter," he said, "what bait are you using?"

Employer: "Mr. Valey, suppose a farmer had a cow tied to a fence inside a circular field 200 ft. in diameter.' If ho asked you how ho should go about finding how long a tether would allow the cow to graze over exactly one acre, what would you tell him? Clerk: "I'd tell him to go to blazes sir."

" What have you given your husband as a birthday present ? " "A hundred cigars!" "That was very expensive, •wasn't it? " " Oh, no! In the last two months I have taken two from his box every day; and imagine, my dear, on his birthday he was so glad because I bad chosen his I'avourito brand 1 "

Ardent youth: " Well, dearest, what did your father say when he found that I wanted to marry you?" She: "At first, he demurred because lie didn't want to lose me, but I explained thai he could havo me, and that ho would have you to boot." Ardent youth: "That sounds ell right, except for tho ' to boot' part."

The foreman was going from ono man to another with a sheet of paper in his hand. When ho caino to Maclean ho Raid: "Sandy, this is a subscription to get a wreath for Jock Stewart, who died last week. All your mates havo given a shilling towards it." " Och, mon, that'll make me an' Jock square. lie owed mo a bob."

Tho defending counsel was discussing tho case with his junior assistant. " Rather Etrango that the accused should bo questioned for twelve hours and never onro turn a. hair," said tho latter. Tho elder man shook his head wearily. " It's not strange when you know tho facts of tho case," ho said. " That man is the father of soven children."

" Yus, Maria, I goes afore tho committee, I does, and I sez, ' Gentlemen, I've como for tho eternity benefit.' " ' But niy good woman," sez tho chairman, 'don't yer know that eternity means tho ' " ' Well, gentlemen,' sez 1, ' I don't know much abaht the 'oreaftor, but I does know that I'm 'ereafter the Ctarpity benefit.^*