SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20538, 12 April 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

PUTTING IT NEATLY.

They wore talking rather confidentially iu the) club.

" But surely," said Wilson, " you and your wife aro as one?" "Of course, I know wo should be," said Watson, tho henpecked husband, " but we aro uot. As a matter of fact, we aro ten."

"Ten!" replied Wilson. "How do you mako that out 7" Well," said tho other, dropping his voice a liflle, " she's tho one and I'm tho nought." HE UNDERSTOOD. The works clerk approached tho foreman of the factory. " Any accident to report?" ho asked. " One," replied the foreman, and handed over the report. It read:— " Date—April 2nd. Nature of accident —Badly crushed toe. How caused— Blow from hammer (accidental.) Remarks— . . " Why no remarks?" asked tho clerk. "Well," said tho, foreman, "seeing as 'ow you know Bill, and seeing as 'ow you know what crushed 'is toe, ain't you got no imagination?" VERY CARELESS. The portly gentleman rushed up to the park-keeper in a state of great agitation. " I say!" he shouted. " I've just lost five one-pound notes! I know I had them when I canie into tho park, but now they're no longer in my pocket!" The park-keeper looked him up and down. Then he gave a contemptuous sniff. "Is that so?" he said. " Well, it just serves you right! You ought to 'ave read them notices at tho entranco about bein' careful not to drop bits o' paper in the grounds!" SOME COMPENSATION. A small boy was discussing a sentence of imprisonment with his mother. He was evidently overawed by its severity. " Fourteen years is four years more than me, isn't it, mum ?" he said. " Yes, dear, you are only ten." " I suppose ho won't get any holidays, will he, mum?" was his next remark. " No, dear." There was a long pause, and then at length the boy gavo a satisfied sigh as though somo problem had been successfully solved. " Well, anyway, mum, ho won't have to work after church on Sunday." A REASONABLE REQUEST. Tho strong man on holiday rode out on horseback to challenge a farmer whoso great Strength had gained him a reputation." He entered the farmyard, tied up his horse, and approached tho farmer. " Hey," he said, " I've heard a lot about you, and have come a long way to see which is tho better man." Without answering the farmer seized the intruder, hurled him bodily into the road, and returned to his work. When the loser had recovered his breath, the farmer growled, " Have you anything more to say to me?" "No," was the reply, " but perhaps you'll be good enough to throw me my horse." GETTING IN FIRST. He had gone to his landlord with a serious complaint. " It's about those people in the flat above me!" he stormed, "They won't give me a minute's peace. This morning at two o'clock they were jumping up and down and banging on the floor as hard as they could. I tell you, sir, I won't put up with such behaviour! It's an outrage !"

The landlord looked sympathetic. " Ihey woke you up, I presume?"' The victim shook his head. "Xo; I hadn't gone to bed." "Ah, I see! You were working late?" " Yes. I was practising on mv saxophone."

FORGOT THE RULE. Grammar," observed Cassidy to his friend Casey, " is a most confusing thing. I never can remember whether to say 1 It is I ' or ' It is me.' " " I can give you.a good rule on that," returned his friend. " Just sav over (o yourself this rhyme: "It is I,'" said the spider to the fly,' and there you are." A few days later the friend met Cassidy and asked whether the rule had been anv help. " Surely, it would have but for wan thing," replied Cassidy. " I couldn't for me loife's sake remember whether your rlivmo was: ' " It is I," said the snider to the fly,' or ' '-'lt is me," said' the spider to the flea '!"

SOLVING THE PROBLEM.

1 here was not a seat to bo seen in the waiting-room, and after a last look round tho elderly traveller strolled dejectedly out on to tho platform.

" Humph," ho muttered. " Got a good book and no place to read it.' Suddenly a happv thought struck him. Ho rushed back into the waiting-room whero be had left his bag, grabbed it from the ground, and rushed precipitately back to tho platform.

The effect was electrical. There came a mighty scramble, and tho expectant passengers all hurried outside. As soon as the last person left tho wait-ing-room the elderly traveller selected the seat nearest tho fire and buried himself "in his novel.

WORSE THAN EVER

The boss was pacing up and down the ofliee, a letter in his hands. It was quite apparent that he was not in the best of tempers. knock came on 'he door. " Corne in !" lie roared. A frightened-looking typist enieied. " You rang for rue, sir?" she inquired. " T did!" thundered the great man. " Your spelling is abominable. You've gone and put ' n e-w-m-a-t ic ' for the void ' pneumatic.' I can't let. a thing like that pass." 'I ho girl becan lo tremble more than ever. " I'm very sorry, sir," slio said, suddenly thinking of an excuse. " But I'm afraid I couldn't help it. Y'ou see, the ' k ' on rny machine won't work." SINGLE OR MARRIED. The. pale, nervous-looking man was applying for a job. " I think I shall be aide to suit all your requirements, sir," he said to tho boss. 'I I's great, man shook his head. " I'm ;n'l,iid I shan't bo able lo take you," he replied. " You see, I'm want- ! ing a single man." A look of horror appeared on the other's face.

IJ-but, good gracious," ho stammered

" when I came here yesterday I was told that you v.ero looking for a married man!"

' I'm sorry," said tho boss. "It must have been a'mistake."

The applicant stepped forward and clutched him bv tho arm.

" Look here," he gasped, " it's all very well for you to talk liko that —but what am I to do? You see, I went straight out and got married!"