ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20520, 22 March 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Doctor: " Where do you feel ill, sonny?" Boy: "In schooL"

'A: "Do you always keep your word ? " B: " I have to. No one will take it."

Iddy: "But your wife said she'd forgive and forget." Stone: "Yes;< she forgot she'd forgiven."

Jimson: " The barbers have started a price-war." Winsom: "I hope there's no cut-throat competition."

X: "These are Scottish billiard cues." ■Y: " What do you mecn, ' Scottish billiard cues ?" "No tips."

Child: " I can do something you can't 'do, dad." Dad: "Well, what is it, sonny?" Child: "Grow!"

"My wife doesn't understand mo. Dqes yours ? " " I don't think so. I've never heard her mention your name.'

Traveller: "Did you find a roll containing £SO under my pillow ? " Pullman Porter: " Yes, suh; thank you, suh. "

Inspector: "What is your gross intome?" Storekeeper: "No gross in come. I have a net income. I'm a fist dealer."-

Husband: "Tho new maid seems rather nice and quiet." Wife: " Yes, she doesn't even disturb the dust when she's cleaning."

" William, call up my dentist, and sec if ho can give me an appointment." Yes, sir." " And—er—William, don't press him."

Youth: " Dearest, I must marry you—" Girl: " Havo you seen mother and father?" "Often, darling; but I lovo you just the same."

Sludent: "So you've bought another car,/ professor?" Professor: "Yes; I couldn't remember exactly whero I parked the old one."

" Why do you stare at me 1 " " Father says you're a self-made man!" "Well, why stare?" "I'm wondering why you made yourself like that! "

Customer: "I suppose the little feller has—er—the usual list of progenitors ? " Bog Dealer: " Bless yer, no, guv'nor; wo keeps 'em too clean 'ere."

Rob: " Lend me ten shillings to buy some Christmas presents, and I'll always be indebted to you." > Bob: " Yes, that's just what I'm afraid of."

" Was your husband cool when you told him there was a burglar in the house V"■ " I should say so. Why, his teeth'absolutely chattered."-

Car Salesman: " Our cars no good ? Why, we're selling them by tho dozen." Prospective Buyer: "I'm not surprised—how much are they a dozen?"

Motor-cyclist (to rider he has caught up): " X say, tho young lady has fallen off your pillion seat." . " Oh, thanks. I'll get another at Ellerslie."

" Mother, let's pretend another - little hoy's come to tea." " All right, darling." " And shall I have another piece of cake and pretend he's eating it ? "■

I " Why is that fellow looking so pleased ■with himself?" "He's just bought a car cheap." " Well, what are you grinning about? " " Oh, I sold it to him."

Guest: "Docs your husband object to cats? " Hostess: " 1 should say he does. He says I feed all the cats in the neighbourhood. Won't you stay and havo tea? " * < -

Small Boy: "Will you light.me cigarctte_, for me, mister ? " Old Gentleman: " Light your cigarette for you V " " Yes; m«J muvver don't allow me to play wiv matches." .

" Zoup, sir, zoup ?" asked the very foreign waiter. " What in the world are you talking about?" snapped the diner. " Veil, sir, you know vat hash is? Veil, zoup is loser."

Manager: " How is it you're late again this morning?" Office Boy: "Well, you see, there are eight of us in tlio hope, and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

Mother: " Willie, I heard that instead of going to Sunday school this morning you played football." Willie: "That isn't true —and I've got a string of fish to it."

the Conqueror, of course?" pupil: "Yes, sir." Teacher: "What would he be doing now if he were alive?" Pupil: " Drawing the old-age pension."

" How much did he want for this 'vase?" asked the collector. "Seven guineas," replied the inexpert owner, proudly. " Well, well! And didn't he throw in any marmalade with it ? "

Mrs. Griggs: "Those new neighbours of ours must be rich, judging from the clothes they wear." Mr. Griggs: "That's a poor way to judge, my dear. Some of the most gorgeous flowers haven't got a scent."

" Look here," said a man to the foreman builder, " can you give me a definite date on which this house will be completed? You see— I'm getting married when it is ready for occupation." " Right," the foreman replied, " you leave it to me. I'll see the job's spun out as long as possible!"

One of two rival chapels iri a village had just got a new and very smart organ. A member of the other congregation met the caretaker leaving the chapel one day. "Ah reckon tha's gotten a organ," he said. " All tha needs now is a monkey." " Aye," said ' the caretaker, " and all tha needs is a organ!"

A young man who had an enormous mouth became engaged to a girl and went to ii'er father to ask his consent. " I have come," he said, beginning to smile broadly in order to hide his confusion, •" to ask for your daughter's hand. I—l " " Excuse me," said her father, "but will you close your niouth for moment so tljat I caa see. who you are."

The old lady had at last yielded to the repeated urging of her grandson to accompany him on a flight in his aeroplane. Up and up they went until the youthful pilot leaned back and shouted, " Do you realise that we are thousands of feet up?" " Oh, I don't mind that," the old lady answered bravely; "but don't you think it's cool enough for you $o turn o2 the.fan*"