SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20514, 15 March 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

n BRIGHT AMBULANCE WORK. The General in command of a field day during manoeuvres was watching the work of the ambulance corps, and asked tlio commander of one section what be was supposed to bo treating a man for. " Concussion and total insensibility, sir," was the reply. " What have you done V' asked the General. " Given liini some brandy, sir," was the prompt answer. "Why " Because he asked for it!" MATTER OF TRAINING. Betiy had been to the circus, and next time she was naughty mother sought to improve the occasion. " Don't you think," said she, " that if dogs and lions and elephants are so well behaved and obedient, a little girl should be equally ready to do as she is told ?" 'Yes, I suppose so," said Betty, thoughtfully, "if she's been 'as well trained." A MATTER OP LANGUAGES. An Irishman was taking an Englishman in a car and showing him the beautyspots of the Free State. Ihe Englishman saw some notices printed in Gaelic and asked his guide what they said. " I don't know," replied the Irishman. "But it is your own language!" said the Englishman. "Sure," said the Irishman, "but, you see, those people who can read can't speak Gaelic, and those who spehk Gaelic' can't read. KILLING THE MICROBES. A dear old lady had attended a health lecture, and stayed behind to ask the lecturer a question. " Did I understand you to say," she asked , " that deep breathing kills microbes ?" " I certainly did say that many microbes are killed by deep breathing," replied the lecturer. "Then, can you tell me, please," she asked, " how one can teach the microbes to breathe deeply ?" SAFETY FIRST. Brown turned up at his suburban station to catch his usual train up to the City one morning, with a perfect mountain of baggage on a taxi. Carefully he superintended the porters who labelled it and stored it in the guard's van. Then he sought the compartment which lie habitually shared with his friends for the journey up to tefwn. " What's the idea of the luggage ? Going away?" he was.asked. "No! the church is giving a jumble sale, and I'm taking my clothes to the office until it's over." FARMER'S RETALIATION. Old Farmer Giles was harnessing his pony-trap when a city dweller, who was staying with him, came out of the house. " What," he exclaimed, " going out at this time of night ?" " Ay," Giles replied. I'm going into the next village to post a letter." "But* surely there's a pillar-box'out-side the grocer's- shop in your own village here?" the guest asked. " Ay, there is that," Giles told him; " but the grocer as keeps post-office won't . buy his eggs and butter from me, so I'm darned if I'll post my letters in his pillarbox." s HEATED CONVERSATION. It was a deserted road—hot, dusty, and seemingly endless; the sun beat grillingly down, parching road and countryside and the throats of the two wayfarers who wearily trudged along. For mile upon steaming mile they had forged ahead, side by side, without uttering a word. At last they halted for a moment. One of them passed a hand across his forehead. " I say Bill," he said, " I do feel like a pint of beer." " George, I wish you were," was the heartfelt response. HE BE ROBBED. Having put a shilling on a horse that won at odds of fifty to one, Smith went to the local bookie to draw his money, which amounted to £2 lis. " Fifty-one shillings, please, was his demand/ " What for ?" asked the bookie. " I backed that fifty-to-one winner today," replied Smith. " Fifty shillings and my own shilling back must be fiftyone shillings." " But," said the Turf commissioner, " I only pay twenty-fives." " In that case," snapped Smith, "give me mv shilling back. I'm not going to be robbed."

IT IS DIFFICULT. Tliey were arguing as to whether men liked shopping or not. " They haven't the patience to go from one store to another looking for bargains," Mrs. Smith explained. " And they can't tell a bargain when they do see one," put in Mrs. Jones. " That's why we have to do fourfifths of the shopping," said a third. From Store to store they tramped, until they began to discover that their own shopping expedition was not going as well as they expected. " Of course, I admit it's fearfully hard to find what you want when you are shopping," said Mrs. Smith wearily. " Very," responded the tired-out Mrs. Jones; "especially so when- you don't know what it is you do want." ONLY IN PAIES. The shop assistant's temper was plainly suffering from the effects of the heat. Selling footwear is a trying occupation when the mercury is attempting to gush out of the top of the thermometer. The portly woman who entered the shop was in the throes' of a violent attack of hay fever. Her distress was acute. " I want—ash-oo." she began, " I want ash-oo—l—cr—ash-oo !" Ihe assistant drummed his finders on the counter impatiently. c I want—ash-bo." The asislant s short stock of temper was exhausted. Can t he donp. madam, can't be done!" he said, brusquely. "Wo only sell them in pairs." A SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER. " Decidedly a suspicious-looking fellow," muttered Mr. Smith All the Smith family gathered in the drawing-room focussed their attention on a shabby man who was eyeing the house furtively. " I guess he's a burglar reconnoitring." Thus sixteen-year-old Charlie. " More likely one of Madge's admirers," drawled twenty-vear-old Albeit. Mother, always charitable, did not Lhink the young man looked a criminal. " Father," whispered Charlie, " he's making for the side door." Father looked uneasy. " Come on, Albert," he said, with forced sprightliness. " Let's see what his game is." They found the young man leaning over the side gate—sniffing. "You the boss hero?" he asked Mr. Smith. " I am." " Well, I fancy the btfck of your house is ou fire." It was.