ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20508, 8 March 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Nov?, Johnny, what do yon think a land flowering with milk and honey ryould be like?"* "Sticky!" Prospective Groom (gaily): " Will it fake much to feather a nest?" Furniture Dealer: " Only a little down!" Plumber: " Well, here we aro and I've not forgotten a single tool." Householder: "You've come to the wrong adiress, though." Mother: " Did auntie give you a good lunch?" Walter: "No. The pudding tvas horrible. I couldn't even finish my lecond helping." " Did'you have much snow this year?" f A fair amount, but my neighbour had more.'.' "How could ho have more?" ~ He has more land than I have." j " Another new hat—how do you induce $-our husband to pay for them ?" " Quite simple; I go and see him at the office gearing the old thing I made myself." "If you haven't a doctor," said tho tourist at the hamlet inn, " what happens tvhen anyone is taken seriously ill ? V Oh, they just dies a natural death." / Look at the lovely wireless set I got to-day. It's and so i heap—only a pound a month." " For how many, months ?" "Oh, I forgot to ask." Deaf old Gentleman: "Pardon me. I didn't, catch your name." Newcomer: f Rutt./Rutt, R-U-T-T." "Eh? No. Not at all. I take a drop of whisky flow and then." Young Chemist's Assistant: "I've tnade up tho medicine for you, madam, and I'm sure it's all right—but perhaps you wouldn't mind signing your name in tho poison book." The old man's wife had been ill for feome time, and he was asked bow sho ,was getting on. " Oh, ma'am," he replied, §<Srrowfully, " doctor don t give us no hope either way." " How long," asked tho troublesome prisoner, 'leaning over the dock-rail, of his solicitor, " is this business going on?" " A couple of hours for me. About a coupi,e of years for you." • Financier's Son: "Mother, I have an idea." il Mother: "Well?" " Lend me ten shillings, but only give me five, and then I shall owe you five and you owe me five and we shall be quits. Two tramps were pasing a church in front .'of which a notice was displayed, •" Sale of Work." One turned to the ' other- in amazement. " Lumme, Bill," he said, "they're selling it now." The honest man was seated the financier's luxurious office. " Well," said the financier, " it's a great scheme. iWhat do vou say?" "Frankly," replied the honest % room ta your company." 'An ardent motorist whose wife had presented him with twins was receiving congratulations from a group of friopds at the.club "Thank you very < much.' . laddies;?' he said with a sigh, "but 1 could have done without the spare." Kelly'and Cohen were having dinner together. ' Cohen helped himself to the larger fish and Kelly said: —"Fine manners you have, Cohen. If I had. reached out first I'd have taken the smaller fish." (' Veil," Cohen replied, " you have it, ididn't you ?" Tho burglar had distinguished himself by his coolness during the burglary and throughout his trial. "Three years' penal servitude," said the judge. •" Lucy," remarked the burglar, turning jto his wife at the back of the court, i' 1 shan't be home to tea." / Mrs. /Newgold objected lo vulgar and ieommon words, so when her friend asked her how she had enjoyed her holiday in Scotland, sho said:—"lt was simply Jovely. ' One day we had a splendid ,riew of" the surrounding country from the summit of—er—Benjamin Nevis." " H'rii," the optician murmured. " You feay the'glasses I gave you have not improved your sight? You stilly see what you call spots before your eyes ?" " That s right," his client replied. " But I must admit /-hat since I wore the glasses 1 jean see 'em much clearer than before!' ■ ■/ ' " Come, come," said a man to his Ifriend, who had lost heavily on the Stock Exchange, " you mus'nt worry too much about ill-fortune. " Come to my office to-morrow and I'll give you some pointers." " It's not pointers I want, it's retrievers," said the- other dejectedly. " AnAji the name is to be ?" Hvhisperea the young curate, he proceeded to baptise Mrs. Snooks's infant son. "/Augustus Philip Ferdinand Codrington Chesterfield Livingstone " •"Dear/me!" (turning to the verger): 1" A little more water, Mr. Perkins, if you please." " I consider," said the motorist to the elderly woman, with whom he had had the misfortune to collide, "that thft fault .was entirely yours madam, for standing gaping afeout in the middle of the road in that manner." "I was not gaping about," retorted the victim. "I was inhaling a cab." / " And what is a pussy-cat clad in ?" asked the teacher of the tinies.- " What is it that protects her from the cold ? ' Does she wear a pinafore, or does she wear a shawl, or does she wear a littl? •jacket ?," "But teacher," exclaimed an unimaginative little pupil, '"ain t you never seen a cat?" " What is that ?" asked the old lady in tho grocer's shop, pointing lo some tins on a/shelf. " This madam," the shopman replied, reaching down a tin. and showing it to her, " is tinned chicken." ."Good heavens!" she exclaimed, "and they haven't pierced a hole for the poor jthing to breathe!" 1 /' ' Crashing with a telegraph post, the Jnotorist smashed his machine and was picked up in an unconscious state, entangled'/in the wires. Just as his friends feared the worst, a smilo swept over his face and he was heard to murmur, as he fingered the wires, " '1 hank Ileuven, jthey've given me a harp!" / / —— .... Two young anglers were exhibiting, |Wi*.h great satisfaction, the results of a day's sport when a young woman asked jdemureiy, " Fish go in schools, do they ttofc?" "I believe they do," said one, f but why do you ask?" "Oh, nothing, jdnly I/was just thinking that you must fcave broken up an infant class!" He rounded the bend at close on forty. |A sudden skid, and the car overturned. (They found themselves sitting, together tinhurt, alongside the completely smashed icar. He put his arm lovingly about her [Waist, but she pulled it away. " It's all very nice," she sighed, " but wouldn't Jt have been easier to. run put of petrol J"