ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20472, 25 January 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

In many restaurants the patrons are the most patient of waiters.

The smaller tho fish the more it strains the veracity of the angler.

The: sea of matrimony is very rough. That is why one voyago is usually enough,

Books are a great help to men at any time of the year—especially chequo books.

" Women are fools to marry." " Yes, hut what else is there for men to marry ?"

"I wonder why he's a bachelor?" Oh, 110 didn't have a car in his young days."

" What do you do when in doubt about kissing a girl"? " " Give her the benefit " of the doubt."

Teacher: "In what condition was the patriarch Job at the end of his life?" Tommy: " Dead."

"Why are so many successful men bald?" "I suppose they were destined to come out on top."

Tigg: "What is poetry of motion?" Ragg: " The kind that's always going from one editor to another."

" What would you say if I asked you to marry me ?" " Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time."

Wireless Announcer: "The Harmony Quintet will now sing 'Togethei.' " Listener: "And about time, too!"

Boarding-House Keeper: " I didn't put anything in the plate at church." Boarder: "Force of habit, I suppose."

What is, the difference between learning golf and motoring? In golf you hit nothing, and in motoring you hit everything.

Una: ",I think there's a visitor in the drawing room." Mabel: "Why?" "I just heard mother laugh at one of father s jokes."

Gipsv: "I'll tell your fortune, sir." Walter: " How much ? " " One shilling, sir." " Quite correct. How did you

guess ? "

"Do you really enjoy country life, old inan ?" " You bet I do." " What do you do with yourself evenings ?" "I come to town."'

" How did Oeorge break liis leg ?" " Well, do you see those steps over there?" "Yes, I see them." "Well, George didn't."

Artist: " You know, you really have the most delightful arms." Model: " Yes, I've always been quite attached to them myself."

Mr. Potts: "Did you sew that button on my coat, dear? " Mrs. Potts: No, darling. I couldn't find the button, so I sewed up/ the hole."

Alice:" What makes you think your new photographs are so , horrid ?" Gladys: " All my girl friends ask for one, and my male friends don't."

Old Lady: "I won't keep that parrot you sold me! He swears too much!" Shopman: "Still, madam, he neither smokes nor drinks."

Reveller: " We're getting home awfully late last night this morning." His Companion: "That's all right. We'll sleep until this evening to-morrow."

Henry - : " They say that brunettes have sweeter dispositions "than blondes." Archibald: " Well, my wife has been both, and I haven't noticed any difference."

Officer: "What is your definition of strategy ?" Recruit: "When you don't let the enemy know that you're out of ammunition, but keep on firing."

Mrs. Rowe: "Jack is so crazy about wireless I can hardly draw him away from it," Mrs. Crowe: " Excellent training for a husband, my clear—listening."

Barmaid {to customer who has been causing trouble): " I say, do you think we keep this place open for a lark ?" Customer: "No, miss, for a swallow.

Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about her deafness. It is only a sign of advancing years." Husband: "Would you mind telling her yourself, doctor?"

Doctor: "What is your profession?" Patient (pompously): " I'm a gentleman." / " Well, you'll have to try something el so; it doesn't agree with you."

" What's the-result of the examination, doctor ?" " You're run down. My advice is that you give up golf a while and take a good long rest at the office.

Elderly Gentleman: " Is Lliirs the che_aprst umbrella you keep ?" Assistant: Vex, sir, fho very cheapest." "I II tako it. 3 only want it for leaving ■ behind in the tram."

Julian: " Some men thirst after fame, prime after love, and some after money.' Hector: " I know something that, .all thirst afW." - " What's thai. ? " " Salted almonds."

Franks: "1 wish jou would come and help mo choose a. new suit, old man.' .lingers: "1 don't, think my taste is any better than yours." "No; but jour credit is."

" llow do you know it was a stork and not an angel lliafc brought your lit lie sister?" " \Vcll_j T heard daddy talking about the bill, and angels dou't have bills."

Johnson: " It's nil wrong about the Irish being such good lighters." Jackson: " Ilea 11 v " " Yes. Last week my brothel - /and f .and two other chaps almost knocked an Irishman silly."

"Sir." said the, mendicant, *' I am in rliro distress. My wife needs food." " You don't know what trouble is," said the merchant. "My wife is howling for u diamond necklace."

City Visitor: " Which is correct to speak of, a sitting lieu or a setting hen?" Fanner: "Don't know and don't care. What I'd like to know is, when a hen cackles, has sho laid or lied."

:£ Bhe: "I can't see why, because a 4';' ,!WMx»an marries a man, sho should take He: "Just so! Tho poor ' ought _to bo allowed to keep soniehe could call his own!"