ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20312, 20 July 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Sho: "I'm too young (o marry." lie: *' Well, I'm only proposing." Blacktou: "Docs your wifo open your letters?" Whitewato; "Only those narked ' Private,' " " Wh ; it is tho capital of England?" "America," " I said what is the capital, not whore is tho capital." Tlora: "Would you marry a man to reform him?" Freda: "1 suppose I shall liavo to—l've never met one to suit mo.*' Mrs. Youngwifc: "Darling, I am afraid .1 put too much milk in tlio potatoes." lYounghusband: "Oh, well, we'll drink them." He: "Dearest, I must marry you." She: "But have you seen my father?" "Yes, many times; but I love you just tho same." " I hope you'll dance with mo to-night, Mr. Jones.'*' "Oh, rather! I hope vou don't think I came here merely lor pleasure!" " Alice is a girl that could have married anybody she pleased." "Then why i 3 she still single?" " She never pleased nnybody." Snip: "They say if there's anything in a man, travel will bring it out." Snap: " Yes, I found that out my first clay on tho boat." " They say brunettes havo sweeter dispositions than blondes." " Well, my vrife's been both, and I can't see any difference." " Well, little girl, what aro you going to do when you grow up to bo a big woman like mother?" Modern Child: i' Diet, of course." " You will find, my dear, that all men aro cast pretty much in tho same mould." " Yest, anntio, but some aro much more mouldy than others." Millionaire: "Yes, I began lifo without shoes to my feet, and now I have half-a-million." Young Reporter: "Great Scot! Who cleans thern all?" lie: "You have a marvellous colour. You must have walked quite a distance to get that." She: _ " Yes, our local chemist doesn't keep it. " You're looking bad, Scottv." "Ay. 'Ah'm suffering frao an awfu' sore throat. "Gosh! Anybody treating you for it?" «' No—that's the tr-r-ouble." Meggy: "He told mo he could live on ir.y kisses for ever." Peggy: "Are you going to let him ?" "Not till I fino out what I'm going to live on." Old Gentleman (bewildered at the elaborate wedding): "Are you the bridegroom?" Young man "No, sir; I was eliminated in the semi-finals." Mary: " Another argument with your husband? What's the trouble this time?" Anne: " Tho same old thing. I'm right, and ho won't agreo with me." She: "To-day's my birthday, darling." He (rapturously): " And in less than a month we'll be married!" " Never mind the future; how about the present? Photographer: " You must try to wear ji pleasant expression, sir." Husband (to wife): " All light. Mary, will you please leave me alone for a few minutes?" He: "All the world ioves a lover, you know." She: "You wouldn t say that if you heard what dad said when he found you had taken his hat by mistake." " What time do you get up in summer?" "As soou as tho first ray of the fun comes in at my window." " Isn't that rather early ?" " No; my room faces west." Wife (at dance): " This is the twelfth timo you've been to the refreshment buffet." Husband: "Oh, that's all right! J tell everybody I'm getting something for you." Ailsa: "I suppose you know Alice married money." Ada: Oh. yes! They're separated now, aren t they .' ''No; just she and her husband arc separated " First Bright Lad: "I want an introduction to that Miller K'«'h" Second Ditto: "I'll introduce you " "No; I want to make a good impression right from the start." He (at big party): " I made an awful mistake just now I told a man I thought Ihe host was a stingy old blighter, and it. happened to bo the host I spoke to. She: "Oh, you mean my husband." " Did you notice." asked one woman of another, "that Mrs. 'Awkins 'ad a black eye?" " Did I not?" was the answer. " And 'er 'usband not out ot prison for another week. I don t call it respectable " An after dinner speaker who had been asked to be as brief as possible rose and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have been asked to propose the health of Mr .Tones, and I have been told the least said about him the better. " Does yo'. take this woman for thv lawfully wedded wife I" asked the colon I oil parson, glancing at the diminutive bowJeg/ctl bridegroom, who stood beside an immense woman. "Ah takes nothin , responded tho bridegroom gloomily, Iso been looked." The teacher had tried hard to interpret tho meaning of certain words to her class, and when she was fairly confident that tho majority of the boys had grasped tho purport of her remarks, she questioned _ .Jones:-—" Now, what is a necromancer?" Jones pondered a few minutes and then replied: " A man who writes collar adverts!" A very distinguished pcrsonago mis nnro seated modestly in an ordinary railway compartment when a fellow passenger leaned forward and said, " l'ardon me, fir, but 1 seem to know your face." " ,\b, yes, 110 doubt," said tho other. "Pin travelling incog." " Reallv ?" ftiiid tho inquisitive passenger, "I'm I ravelling in jam." The. customer in the barber's chair was endeavouring to keep the conversation from hair restoratives and &o forth. " And what do you think of the, bishop's sermon last Sunday i" ho asked. "Well," replied the barber, "it was liko this, sir There was a gent siUin' bang in front of »ne and 'is 'air was parted that crooked X couldn t 'car a word."