CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20229, 13 April 1929, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

Wife:'" I think I hear burglars. Are you awake?" Husband : " No."

She: "Two rights never make a wrong." He: "When they are shoes they do."

There's something dove-like about you." " You flatterer." " Yes, you're pigeon-toed."

Daughter: "Did you havo many love affairs, daddy?" Soldier Father: "No, child; I felt in the first engagement."

Bore (at 11 p.m.): "I heard a ghost story tho other night—by jove, it did make mo start!" She: " I wish 1 knew it!"

Witness at Westminster County Court: "Your worship—" Judge Bacon: "You may honour me, but you must not worship me."

Passer-by (suspiciously): "Why are you begging with two hats?" Beggar: " Trade is so brisk that I've had to enlarge my premises."

M.P.'s Daughter: "I hope Dennis doesn't propose to-night." Her Mother: " Why ?" "My acceptance speech isn't finished yet."

Surveyor: "Yes, sir, you'll receive an order to have this well filled up." House Owner (anxiously) : " But what am I going to do with my old safety-razor blades ?"

Wife (at dance) : " This is the twelfth time you've been to tho refreshment buffet." Husband: "Oh, that's all right. I tell everybody I'm getting something for you."

" At the circus thero was a girl who rode beneath the horse, on tho horse's neck, and almost on his tail." "That's nothing. I did all that tho first time 1 rode a horse."

Magistrate: " You say defendant struck you three times and knocked you down ?" Witness: " ljo did, sir." "And what did you do (hen?" "I asked him if he'd finished."

Film Star: "I hear you're married again, Dorothy. Whom did you marry this time?" Second Film Star: " Er—er" (opens bag)—" I believe I've got his card somewhere."

Pretty girl (in art gallery): " I believe you have a very beautiful 'Constable ' here ?" New Attendant: "Dunno' miss, unless it's 'Erbert 'ere—'e ain't bad-looking!"

Boy: "No, mister. I don't want to sell this big fish." Angler: "Well, just lot me measure him, so -that I can truthfully say how big the fish was that got away from me."

Proud Patent: " How do I know that you are not marrying my daughter for my money.?" Bold Suitor: "Wo are both taking a risk. How do I know you won't fail in a year or so?"

Indignant Bridegroom: " Look here, you never told me you had any children." ExMerry Widow: "Oh, they're all such little ones that I didn't think it was worth while mentioning them."

Knutt: " Tho elector says I must slop smoking. I r.m poisioning myself to death." Islts. Knutt: "Oh dear, John, can't you hold out until wo get enough coupons for that dining room rug?"

She never sings the old, old songs She shrieked in days of yore; She never thumps the keyboard now Until her thumbs aro soro. Alas! upon tho latest grand She never moro will play— She failed with tho instalments, And they've taken it away!

She: "If yon really loved me all ffio time, why didn't you let mo know ?" He: couldn't find a postcard with the right words on it."

Agent: " You want your office furnituro insured against theft?" Manager: " Yes, all except tho clock. Everybody watches that."

Roberta (bored) : " Well, what shall wo do this evening?" Robert: "Let's thing hard—" " No; let's do something you can do, too."

Prospective Father-in-Law (hopefully): " I understand you have an interest in your father's business?" Algy(languidly) : " Not the slightest."

Mistress: " The master complained very strongly about tho bacon this morning, Mary." Cook: "Well, mum, will you tick 'im off, or shall I?"

" That flour you sold me yesterday was very tongh." " Tough madam ?" _ " Yes; my husband could hardly get his teeth into the cakes I mado with it."

Mrs. Nexdoor: "I wish my husband had more sense. He's always in the wrong." Mrs. Nayber: "I wish mine had less. He's always in the right."

Miss Snips: " I wonder why Maud gave her age as twenty-five when she nnrried that rich old man?" Miss Snapps: Oh, I suppose she made a discount for cash!"

Golf Pro.: "Now, one important thing for me to tell you, sir, is always to keep your eye on your ball." Suspicious Novice: "Oh! Is that tho sort of club I've joined ?"

Father (teaching small daughter to tell the time) : " These arc the hours —and these are tho minutes —and these the secorJs." Little Girl (still puzzled): " But where arc the jiffies, Daddy ?

Asked to construct a sentenco containing tho word " diffident," a boy said: " Tho countryman went to the fair and bad a diffident at the cocoanuts." Ho had learnt that " diffidiiit" meant " shy."

At dinner she had a doctor on either hand, one of whom remarked that they were well served, since they had a duck between them. " Yes," she broke in, " and I am between two quacks." Then silence fell.

An Indian potentate was boasting to an Englishman about his vast wealth. " Twenty thousand pounds to me," he said, " is what sixpence is to you." "Have you got change for a shilling?" asked the Englishman.

Hostess (to star wireless announcer) : " Everyone here knows your voice so well over tlic ether; I'm sure they'd just love to hear you speaking in the flesh. Just say something short, such as ' Good night, everybody, good night!'"

Prospective Purchaser: " I don t exactly like the looks of this car from the front." Salesman: "But look at the back. It looks good from that view, does'nt it?" "Yes, but—" " Well, that's all anybody'll ever see of this car."

Tho colonel was playing a round of golf. He was playing very badly, and presently noticed a man watching him. "What the deuce are you looking at ?|| thundered tho colonel. "Looking at?" answered the man. "I m not looking, I'm listening."

An old country labourer who had been a teetotaller all his lifo died. In tho course of a kindly obituary notice, _ tho Parish Magazine concluded with: "In his late vears ho might often havo been seen on the steps of tho congregatioual chapel, drinking in tho sun.*-' His relatives havo be.en informed that there aro scarcely grounds for a libel action. At leyst ho was no sccrqt drinker.

ABSENT-MINDED FATHER. A young bridegroom, after the wedling was over and the bride's father had gone of! to the club, began to search anxiously among the wedding gifts. "What are you looking for, dear?" said tho bride. " That £SO cheque of your father's," ho said. " I don't see it anywhere." " Poor papa is so absent-minded," said tho bride. "He lit his cigar with it." IN THE KNOW. " Will you have a little jam pudding, Johnny?" asked his mother. " Yes, please, mother. Will you give me the ends ?" " But why do you wish to have the ends, Johnny ?" " Well, when I was in the kitchen, I heard Ellen say to cook, " Put plenty of jam in the ends, cook, because you know the ends arc always left for us.' " " LATE AGAIN 1" Little Diana's parents Were fond of orchestral music. Once before she had been taken to the theatre, and now, for th.e second time, she was sitting beside her parents, waiting for tho concert to begin. The great orchestra was in position. There was a hush, then a loud burst of applause when the celebrated conductor was observed. When the volume had subsided little Diana remarked severely: "There's that man late again!" HIS POUND OF FLESH. It was Thursday, and Wilkins was " broke " and hungry. Halting outside a butcher's shop, ho gazed wistfully at the display of chops and sirloins in the window. Plucking up his courage, he entered. " If I leave a security equal to what I take away, will you trust mo till tomorrow?" ho asked. " Certainly," replied the butcher. " Well, giVe me a couple of those joints and keep one of them till I come back." A PLAN THAT FAILED. Tho visitors at an English summer resort wero arranging a theatrical performance. They wished to honour one of the local celabrities, who had given them much assistance, but were puzzled how to overcome his difficulty with his " li's." Finally they invented a part which required him to utterly only tho word " Silence." On the night of the performance he took his cue, stalked majestically across the stage, raised his right hand, and said: " 'Ush !"- THAT SETTLED IT. " Where were yen boys an hour ago when I called you to help me?" asked Farmer Brown, at tho supper table. "i was in tho barn setting a hen," said one " I was in the loft setting a saw," answere 1 another. "1 was in the bedroom setting a clock," spoke up the third. " And 1 was in the pantry setting a trap,'" replied the fourth. " You're a fine set," remarked the larmcr. " And where were you ?" ho asked, turning to the youngest. " I was on the doorstep setting still !"- HE WAS A BRICK. An Indian Babu in Calcutta performed a task so worthily that his chief commended him with tho words, " You're a brick, Babu." Tho chief was astounded a little later when ho was called before a higher authority and asked to explain his use of "an offensive and derogatory Then it all camo out. Tho Babu, not understanding tho compliment paid him, had sought enlightmeut from Mr. Webster's dictionary. 1 wherein ho found that !b brick is " baked mud."

FANCY THAT I 'A tourist had been shown roundf a small Far Western township by two brothers, who had built the entire place during the past ten years or so. He was shown with pride the town hall, the free library, and numerous other buildings. Seated with his hosts at luncheon subsequently, he remarked: — "By the way, 1 didn't notice the church. Where is that?" The • brothers looked at each other for a moment, then one remarked: "There you are, Abe! I've told you all along I was sure w had forgotten something !" SOLVED THE DIFFICULTY. The pompous and influential-looking man settled himself in the best armchair the room contained. " Well," he said to the master of the school, " I've made my fortune, and I retire to-morrow. I feel that I'd like to do something for the old school. I wish I could remember the studies I excelled in, and then—" "Oh," interrupted the scholarly professor softly, " in my classes you slept most of the time." "Marvellous!" beamed the old boy. " I'll endow a new dormitory." VILLAIN OF THE PIECE. Mrs. Byrne's only lodger, an actor, gave her two tickets, for herself and daughter, to see him play the villain in the drama, " All for Love.' 1 ' Spellbound, Mrs. Byrne watched the villain pursue _ his wicked way through three acts. It ww a great shock to her to find she had harboured such a villain, but worse was to follow. Ia the last act the hero shot the villain through the heart. " Oh, mother!" cried her daughter, " they've shot our lodger, and he owes us three weeks' rent." THE EASIER WAY. In the club the conversation had turned to the recent success of an old member. " Yes," said the well-infonned man, " Smithson-Bernard has backed a winner at last. He's making a fortune in the literary business." " Well, I am glad to hear it," remarked the secretary, thinking of an unpaid sub. or two. " When he was in here last he told me he'd been writing for twenty years, and had had nothing accepted. * What's he done ? Written a best seller ?" / " Oh, no," replied the other. He's started a school of writing." AND SO HE HAD. There was one man in the club whom all the other members tried their best to avoid whenever they saw him coming. Wet or fine, warm or cold, this particular man always found something to grumble about. His father was a farmer. One evening he was holding forth as usual about his bad luck. " I'm a Jonah and a Job rolled into one," he snarled bitterly. " Only I don't happen to possess the patience of Job." " Never mind, old man," murmured his victim, preparing to make his departure, "you've still got Jonah's wail." PROOF OF THE PUDDING. Bobblefloat is an angler who uses only the best and most expensive paraphernalia of his art. One day ho was standing on the shore of a lake casting his flics without success, when along came a native with a good string of trout. After watching Bobblefloat's efforts for a few minutes the newcomer ventured: " Why don't you try worms?" "Worms!" echoed the other disgusts.edly. "My good fellow, you aiul I don't use the same language." " Mebbe not, mister." returned the other quietly, as ho held up bis catch. " But I reckon the fish understand m# better when I drop 'em a line.''