CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXV, Issue 19932, 28 April 1928, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

" She told him everything." " What candour!" "And what a memory!" "Is insomnia catching?" "Yes, when baby has it." " Your hair is very thin, sir." "Well, put somo oil on it and make it fat." " Ho stutters." " Yes. Always breaking his word." "How did you find Wellington?" I didn't! It was there when I arrived." " Do you take me for a horse?" " No; your ears are too long for that." "Good gracious! How you frightened mo!" "Why!" "You look just like my wife." " You think more of your typist than you do of your wife." ' Well, no wonder. I can dictate to her." " Can you tell ino how fishing nets aro made"?" "Yes; you get a lot of holes and tie them up with string." " You can't hold a candle to what my husband's making now." "No?" "No; he's making- ammunition !" ■ " Laitman was 0110 of tho best-men that over lived." "How do you know?" " Oh, I married his widow." " You're much better to-day." " Oh, doctor! Don't tell my husband that, or ho won't let mo go to Rotorua." " Aro you the boss or am I?" "I am not." " Then don't talk like a fool." " Don't you detest tho people who talk behind your back ?" " Yes, especially in a theatre." " Waiter, bring mo a sheet of nofepaper." "Yessir! Will you take anything with it, sir ?" " Do you never reflect on your future state?" "Yes; and the more I reflect the thirstier I get." " Were you ever in a railway disaster?" ''Yes; I once kissed tho wrong girl in a tunnel." Dick: 41 I understand you and your wife have agreed to separate?" lorn: " Yes; that's the only thing wo ever did agree upon." Ho: " When I marry I mean to have | a girl who doesn't know that she's beautiful." She: "She'll have to bo blind, deaf and dumb, then." Poet: "My new poem will cause your lieai't to miss a beat." Editor: "Take it away. I don't want anything that will affect ihe circulation." " What do vou"Sink of these cigars ? I got them from an aeroplane pilot." " What does he use them for—skywriting 1" The Age of Specialisation: " So you worked in the Ford factory. Whatja do?" " Me? Oh, I tightened bolt number ,8653xA.". " When did you first become acquainted with your husband?" '-"The first time I asked him for money after we were married." ;

" That's a fine old bedstead!" " Yes, it's beautifully carved in twelve panels filled witn figures of tho twelve hnposters." " Do you know what it is to go before an audience?" "No; I spoke before an audience once, but most of it went before I did." "How did you make your fortune?" "Horse-racing." "Not betting!" "No; I had a pawnshop' just outside the course." " Phwat was the. last card Oi dealt ye, Mike?" "A shpade." "Oi knew it was. Oi saw ye spit on ycr hands before yo picked it up." "I'll come and see you when you get settled." "Oh, yes. We shall be so pleased to see you —whenever you pass by-" " After all, fools make life amusing. When all the fools are dead I don't want to be alive." "Don't worry, y&u won't be." " I assure you I never touched a drop of anything till I was twenty-one." " You must have been a little thirsty by then!" " My dear, this pie tastes a bit stale —it must be yesterday's." " Yes; and if you don't eat it to-day it will be tomorrow's." " You did not tell me before we were married that you talked in your sleep." " Sinco we've been married it's tho only chance I get." Daughter: " A certain young man sent mo some flowers this morning." j Mamma: "Don't say a certaiu young man, my dear. There is none of 'eui c certain until you've got 'em." " So the doctor couldn't give you anything to stop your husband talking in his sleep?" "No. What I wanted was something to make him talk more distinctly." Country Judge: " How long have you owned a car?' Motorist (charged with speeding) : " One week, your honour." Judge: "Um—then you can still afford to pay a fine. Twenty shillings." Stranger: "How much do you charge for a bath?" Bath Attendant: "Sixpence', sir, or you can have half-a-dozen tickets for five shillings." Stranger: " But how do I know I shall live for another twelve years?" 4 ' When the Queen of Sheba came and [ laid jewels and fino raiment before Solo- ; mon, what did he say ?" asked the Sunday school teacher. One small boy answered: " 'Ow much d'yor want fer tho lot?" "| Mail is now being sent overnight between New York and Chicago by aeroplanes, whether the letter can wait or not.. A lovo letter written to-night iu either city will bo in the hands of the young lady before the sender has time to regret a single paragraph. " I shall go to your father and nsk his consent to-night, darling. There are no grounds on which he can throw mo out, dear, are there ?" " Not in front of the houso, dearest; but -there's a potato-patch at tbQ back which looks nice and soft."

SHE KNEW THEM ALL. In a village near Chepstow one of the girls was sitting for an examination for a scholarship at Monmouth school. One of the questions was—Name six minerals." It was sortie time before she could remember six, but at last they came to her, and she answered: "Ginger beer, ginger ale, lemonade, soda water - , seltzer water, and kola." DOWN ON THE FARM. Scene: A farmhouse. The new boy was eating his first dinner there. " Will tha 'ave more meat, John ? " asked the old farmer, as he carved at the head of the table. " Yes, please," answered the boy. " What does tha say ? " roared the farmer, glaring fiercely at the boy. "No, thank you." " That's reet. I like a lad as can speak up for 'isself." A POOR GUIDE. A number of boys playing marbles were interrupted by a minister, who inquired : " Will you tell me where the post office is ;' " " Yes, sir; we'll show you," they replied. After leading the minister to the post office, ho thanked them and said: " Now, if you will come to Sunday School next Sunday, I'll show you tho way to heaven." "Go on!" said one little chap. " You didn't even know the way to the post office." CATCHING THE TOURISTS. A party of tourists visited an out-of-the-way village in • which was a very ancient church. The verger invited the party inside the building, where from an old chest he showed them some ancient plate, and recounted its history. Then he looked at them solemnly and inquired whether they would liko to see somo modern plate. "Certainly!" was the reply. "Wo are out to see all wo can." Tho verger brought them tho collection plate! MAN AND HIS MEMORY 1 He was rather absent-minded, and his wif® tied- a piece of cotton round his finger to remind him to get his hair cut. On his way home he noticed the cotton and entered a Ponsonby barber's shop. "Yes, sir? " said tho barber, a puzzled note in his voice." "Eh ? Oh, yes, cut my hair, please." " Certainly," replied tho barber, " if you wish it, but you won't mind mymentioning tho fact that I cut it at lunch time to»day, will you ? " HER BRASS BAND. Tho young married couple were having a disagreement while awaiting lunch at a modest Soho eating-house. The woman was grumbling because they were unable to afford the luxurious restaurants which had been a feature of their honeymoon. " You can't have a brass band everywhere you co," said the man, crossly. " Oh, ves, I can," snapped his wife. " I've got it with mo now .... on my finger." A HANDFUL OF COPPERS. Shortly after the theatre had opened its doors and admitted the playgoers, who had been listening to a succession of street entertainers, a young man walked into tho bar and demanded a whisky-and-soda. When it was placed before him he produced a handful of coppers. "I hope you don't mind pennies?" he asked the barmaid. " Bless yoh, no," she replied. " Have you been singing ? "

THE LAfsT STRAW. A tourist was gagged and bound to a tree. A passer-by removed the gag; and heard the victim's story of how he had been left there absolutely helpless after footpads had taken everything bui; his watch. "You arß sure you are unabla to move?" asked the passer-by. "1 am utterly unable to move," the unhappy man groaned. "In that case," said the stranger, " I'll help myself tc the watch." A HEARE-RENDING ,STORY. A young idiot had run through his money. liis friends rallied round to collect enough to send him abroad to begin life afresh. Among others, they called upon a bookmaker to whom tlio subject of their visit had contrimted many hundreds in his time. The bookmaker listened to the deputation's story, and his heart was touched —almost. At the end of the recital he turned to his secretary and cried out' in a rasping voice:—" Quick! "Take away tho cheque-book afore me 'eart softens." THEY WERE QUITS. Mrs. Smith-Vere had called on her neighbour, Mrs. Brown-Bere, to welcome her back to the neighbourhood after a prolonged absence. "My dear," said Mrs. Smith-Vere, " I am so glad you've come back at last. We have missed you so. The dear vicar was only saying " " I'm glad to be back, too," interrupted Mrs. Brown-Bere. " But do tell me all the scandal that's happened while I've been away." " H'm," 6aid her friend offhandedly, " there hasn't been any since then, dear." A FEW POINTS. A referco was sent from London to officiate at an important Cup-tio in a country * town. Arriving much too early for tho game, ho accidentally encountered the captain of the home eleven, who introduced his brother. " Joe," ho said, s gnificantly, " this is the referee from London. Take him a nice walk and show him th'e sights o r the town. You cculd let him see the brickworks, then 'ave a stroll along by the duckpond, and return 'ome by the cemingtery." THE GENEALOGICAL TREJ2. The old lady had been studying genealogy, and was looking around for an opportunity to ail' her knowledge of all the branches, twigs, and leaves of her genealogical tree. Little James hove in sight. " Ah, James," she exclaimed, " are you not a cousin to my daughter-in-law, once removed ? " James scratched his head, then the gleam of the family brilliance she no in his eyes. " No," said he, " we've twice removed—once to Mornings ide and then up to Grey Lynn." IT COULD NOT BE HELPED. The mistress of the house was very angry with her maidservant. " Look here, Lucy," sue cried, " I can't allow you to send so many blouses to_ the laundry. Seven in one week is positively disgraceful!" The maid hun L ? her head in shame, but the outraged * housewife was not to be appeased, "Do you realise," ' sho continued, " do you realise, Lucy, that my own daughter doesn't send as many to the wash iu a month ?" " Perhaps she don't," said Lucy, how thoroughly roused, " and perhaps she don't walk out with a cfcimaey sweup!"