CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIV, Issue 19762, 8 October 1927, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

Rah: "What is the greatest water power known to man?" Raw: "Womens tears." " 1 see Goldbaum had a fire last night." "Veil, he's a nice feller; he deserves it." Barber: "Your hair is getting grey, sir." Professor: "Yes, yes, please hurry up; I'm not surprised." Bill: "I fell on the piano last night." Tom: "Did you get hurt?" Bill: "No, I fell oil tho soft pedal." Fay: "Is he ono of the lauded aristocracy?" Freda: "Not yet—but Maisie's doing her best." Curate: "Tell me, little girl, where were you born ? " Little Girl: " I wasn't born —I'm a stepchild." Goldsmith: " You want the girl's name engraved on the ring, of course?" Young Man: " Certainly—but—ah—not too deep." Vocal Student: "How do you like my voice?" Professor: "Vel, I play on ze white keys and I play on ze black keys, but you sing in ze cracks." "My wife should make a good member of Parliament." "What makes you think so?" "She's always introducing bills into the house." She: "Which do you think are the most interesting yean» of a woman's life?" He: "The first two or three years that she is twenty-one." "How about a little remuneration for my efforts?" the vagrant minstrel asked. "Sure thing," Scotsman 7 replied. "What do you want me to sing?" "Hello, is that the pawnbroker's?" "Yes, sir." "What time is it. please?" "I am not hero to tell you tho time." "But, sir, it's you who have my watch.' Young Lady (who has just sung for "charity): "I never thought my voice would ' fill this largo hall." Father: "Neither did T; I thought it would empty it." McAndrew: "Hooray! The wind has chanced." Convalescent Wife: "Well, mon, what of it'" McAridrew: "Ye ken the doctor said yo needed a change of air." James (proposing): "I've saved up • enough money to live at tho rate of a thousand a year —" Janet: "Oh, how splendid!" James (finishing): " For about three weeks!" "Why did your husband lose his job in the movie company?" Marjorie Clarko asked a friend. "Because he was told to throw a dummy over n cliff and he threw the director," she replied. Mrs. Bindle: "The piano man called to-day and said unless we paid to-morrow thev would take the pinno." Bindle: "How much is it?" "Eight pounds." " Let him take it. We can get a new one for five down." A snobbish mother once wrote to ask a headmaster whether all the boys at his school were the sons of gentlemen. But he was equal to the occasion, and answered wittily: "Madam, wo do not educate the parents! " "We borrow our numerals from the Arabs, and onr calendar from the Romans. Can anyone think of another example?" the teacher. Willie: "Our lawnmower from the Jones' and our baby carriage from the Browns'."

Half: " What makes you think that my liead is made of cork? " Pint: "It always seems at the mouth of a bottle." Doctor: "Do you suffer from giddiness ?" Patient (indignantly): "Tin a married woman, and there's nothing giddy about me." Bore: " Yes, I don't know how it is, but I feel thoroughly wound up to-night." Hostess: "How strange! And yet you don't seem to go." " 1 rise for information," said a member of the legislative body, "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, " for no man wants it more." " I have always had a presentiment," she said, " that" 1 should die young." " Well, dearie," • remarked her woman friend, "you didn't after all, did you?" " Far too much is being said and written about tho modern woman's dress," declares a speaker. " Quito right. The whole thing could be put in a nutshell." Salesman: " And what kind of a motorcar horn would you like, sir ? Do you care for a good, loud blast ? " Haughty Customer: " No; I want something that just sneers." Charlady: " You don't say the Academy's taken your pickclier of me," sir? " Artist: " Rather—and hung it vory well, too." Charlady:" Fancy that, now! I didn't think I 'ad it in me." " She's an awfully charitable woman, they say—never lets her right hand know what her left hand is doing." " Oh, that's it, then 1 wondered what made her play the piano so abominably." He was boring her to tears when in came her dog. " Ah," ho exclaimed, "have you taught him any more tricks since I was here last?" "Yes," sho said sweetly, "rf you whistle he will bring your hat." Maiden (out rowing with possible suitor and hor little sister, who is frightened by tho waves): " Doris, if you are so nervous now, what will you be at my age?" Little Sister (meekly): " Twenty-nine, I suppose." May (indignantly): " I tlunk Harry is downright mean." Marie: "Why?" " Well, he wrote to me from Egypt saying ho had shot a crocodile seven feet long, and that when he shoots another he will have a pair of slippers made for me. I'll never speak to him again." Tho Sunday School teacher had been enlightening her class upon what constituted wickedness, and at the close of tho lesson she addressed one small girl: " Now Mary, do you know what wickedness is? " "Yes, teacher," replied Mary, " though I didn't until I came to Sunday School." The small boy's sister had just been married, and on the night of the cere-* mony his mother gave him a piece of cake to put under his pillow. " VVell, darling," she said next morning, " did you dreain of your future wife? " . " No, mummy," he answered; " I eated the cake because 1 wanted my wife to be a surprise." A guardian was taking his ward to task and giving hirn some advice. He wound up his little lecture by saymg: " If you can inspire people with confid encc; my boy, you're pretty sure to make good in the world." Whereupon the ward replied: "My dear guardy, I've inspired people with such confidence that they have lent me more than I can possibly repay."

FAMILY ANIMALS. j "It's funny, ain't it. that everybody [ in our family is some kind of an animal." "Some kind oi an animal, indeed! What do you mean?" "Why, mother's a dear, you know." "Yes, certainly." "And my baby sister's mother's little lamb, and I'm the kid, and dad's the goat." GUIDE'S HAPPY IDEA, An English tourist was climbing to the top of a Scottish mountain with his guide. When he reached the summit he gazed around at the glorious view and then exclaimed: "After climbing all this way to see the view, I've forgotten the glasses!" "That's a'right, air," said the guide, "there's naebody abootj we can just drink oot o' the bottle." AN UNCOMMON CAR. A man was proudly exhibiting to a friend his newly-acquired car, which was of a certain popular make. "Ah," said the friend, "so you've got one of those. I should have thought you would have gone in for something —well—a little more uncommon." "It is uncommon," retorted tho owner, indignantly. "In fact, in a sense, it's unique, it's paid for." WHERE WAS IT? Touring in a remote district a motorist was suddenly pulled up by a local policeman, who stepped out into the road, his i arm upraised. The motorist stopped sharply. "Better dim them 'eadlights o* yourn," suggested the policeman. " We're inclined to be perticler through the town here." The motorist lit a cigarette and fiddled with his electric starter. "Oh, all right!" he said affably. "I don't mind. By the way, where i 3 this town you're talking about V* QUITE LOGICAL. Flanagan, the local builder, was con- ! strutting a brick wail at the end of a client's garden. The ground in this vicinity was inclined to bo boggy. "Good heavens!" exclaimed the man living next door. "I should have thought you knew better than to build a wall there, Flanagan. It'll fall over in a day or two." "Indade," retorted the builder angrily, "and who cares if ut does ? Oi'm makin* her five feet high and six feet wide, so if ut does topple over, begorrah, it'll bo a foot higher than it was before." IT WAS NEAR ENOUGH. Poor Percy Proudheart was very upset and down in the mouth. The girl he had wanted to marry had refused him only a day before. "I couldn't marry any man until he had a thousand pounds in the bank," she declared. So Percy had gone sadly away, resolved to start saving without delay. A month later he met the girl accidentally. She inquired how much be had saved. "About thirty bob," ho replied. "Well," she lemarked, with a blush, "that's near enough." r BIRDS OF A FEATHER. Dodgin had been engaged as chief foreman at the factory, and the men, haviug heard wild tales about his reputation, tried their utmost to keep out of the way. But Dodgin had a peculiar knack of scenting out things for himself, and one day he came across two labourers enjoying a quiet- smoke in a cellar. " Hallo, icried one of the smokers, " who are you, "'matey■: Dodgin looked at him; then his gaze fell to their cigarettes. " I'm Dodgin, the new foreman," he reohed "So are we," returned the woikman. " Come in here and havg ft- . -

ORE OF THE OLD FAMILIES. Sir W. W. Wynn. talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which ha carried np to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom. "Ay," said he, "how so, pray?" "Why," replied the other, "when I was in Wales the pedigree of a particular family was shown to me; it filled up five large skins of parchment, and about the middle oi it was a note in the margin, 'About this time the world was created.* " THOSE HOBBID GOLFERS. The golfer had lost his bail at a critical stage of the game. Remembering the rale, "Lost ball, lost hole," ha and Ms caddie . were feverishly searching for it. When they were about to give up the hunt a tall and angular spinster bobbed up from the undergrowth. "I think it's disgraceful that you are allowed to drive those horrid balls about!" she said indignantly. "Why, one came over this way a few minutes ago and it's absolutely ruining my dog's teeth!" _ . ■ NOT MOVED BY TRIFLES. Two sportsmen, putting up at a cottage for a holiday, found the rain interfering with their arrangements. They also noticed that an old-fashioned barometer, hanging upon the Hving room wall, invariably registered "Very fair." At last one of them drew the householder's attention to this. "Don't you think," ho said, "that there's something wrong with your glass ?*' , "Na, sir,' answered the old Scot haughtily, "she's, a guid glass, but she's no' moved by trifles." HE WAS TOO PROUD. Friday was an unlucky day for the people in tho new house. On that day their new butler arrived and methodically proceeded to make their lives miserable. "Kobisher," said the master one morniug, "here is the address of my tailor. Go down there and order a dress suit." The now butler said nothing. He walked towards the door. "Do you hear?" thundered the master. "Why don't you answer mo V The butler turned slowly round and gave his employer a fierce look. "I never answer," he 'hissed, "unless I don't 'ear, and then I say' Wot?'" » MIGHTY CAREFUL." ~ News had been received by the inspector of the seaside tramway system that an overhead wire had fallen in a crowded street. The inspector betook himself to the spot. When he arrived he found a crowd of people handling the wire in a most careless manner. Going up to the nearest man he shouted, "Yon had no right to touch that wire. If the current had been on you would have been killed outright by the shock.'' The other looked at the inspector with a knowing air. "Ah," said he, "I was mighty careful. I felt it carefully before I took hold of it." memories of fast days. Mrs Mabbot was rather tired o{ tok living.room £»£- havio S s » cb warm weather 1 J™°¥. jjJ ! to have tea in the garden, Mary, she said to the new mam. The maid sighed "thout having to carry looouu ' • on Her mistress' the maids face. . « '" "Oh, much trouble, wouldl it • ***£*£ ' 7 one "Tdtthe? SSfi tJ™ Sd m" of th, time I «««»•• , feed the pigs &>»•—