SHORT STORIES. ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19328, 15 May 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

ODDS AND ENDS.

THE OLD LADY'S TEETH. The steamer was crossing the Channel. One of the stewards noticed an old lady looking very pale and leaning against the rails. " Come below, mother," he said, kindly; "your teeth are chattering with cold." The old lady looked at him sternly and replied, " Don't, tell lies, laddie; my teeth are in my pocket! A MEAN" MENU. A mean man asked a friend to dinner. When the meat course was placed on the table, the mean man removed the cover from the dish with a flourish and disclosed an exceedingly scraggy-looking fowl. " Ah," he said, " here's our dinner." " I see yours," retorted the friend, who was as portly and blunt as the other was lean and mean, " but where's muse / " WOULD HAVE SAVED TROUBLE. A French officer had received a bullet in his thigh and was conveyed to the hospital. For eight days the doctors were probing and torturing him, until, losing all patience, be asked them what they were doing. " Searching for the bullet," was the replv. " For Heaven's sake, why didn't you say so before? " the victim exclaimed. " I've got it in my pocket! HIS VIEW OF IT. Young Teddy was sent to buy some oranges. The shopkeeper, thinking to test, the youngster's knowledge of division, when putting the oranges into a bag, said, " Now, sonny, which would you rather have—three bags with two oranges ! iD each, or two bags with three oranges in each'( " " Three bags with two oranges in each," was the prompt reply. " Why? " « asked the man. " One more paper bag to bust I " replied Ted. MAKING IT CLEAE! " Are von a native of this town ? asked a traveller of a boy in a sleepy little village. "Be I a what? " " Are you a native of this town? ' "Eh?" " I want to know if you are a native of this place ? " At that moment the boy's father appeared at the open door of a cottage, aud cried: "Ain't you got no sense, Jim? He means wuz ye livin' here when you wuz born, or wuz ye born before you began livin' here. Understand ? Now answer the gennulman." MISPLACED SYMPATHY. Through the busy Glasgow streets a stalwart policemau led a little child, by the hand. A motherly-looking woman paused before them for a moment. Then, in a sudden burst of sympathy, she bent over the child and kissed her. " Puir wee Jamb!" she said, sadly. " She looks sae cauld and starved like: and she hasna' been washed for a week. Some folks canna be trusted wi' bairns. Whaur did ye fin' the wean, policeman?" " Fina the wean ?" said the policeman, angrily. " 1 aidna find her at a'. She's ma ain bairn !"

ANOTHER BEDTIME STORY A thrifty itinerant tinker thrilled at a thought while tinkering thoughtfully on a thin tin tank. The tinker thought that while tinkers think unthankfully"of tinkering, this tender itinerant tinker would think thankful thoughts of tinkering tin tanks, thick or thin tanks. The itinerant tinker also thought that ten tinkers might think ten thousand times and tinker ten thousand tin tanks, thick or thin, and not think the thankful thought this tinker thought while tenderly tinkering a tliin tin tank. NOTHING AT ALL. " What kind of people are those who hare just moved in next door to you asked Mrs. Gadder. "Oh, I never talk about my neighbours," replied Mrs. Knowalot. " All 1 know about them is that their stuff came in" one van, that only one of their bedsteads has any brass on it, most of the furniture looks old, there's six in the family, the children are all boys, and they "have two dogs, the man is about 20 years older than the woman, they had a squabble with the driver of the van, when • v settled with him, and their name is Smith." REMARKABLE CONCENTRATION. The enthusiastic girl was thrilled when : she was introduced to the famous author at a dinner party. She lost no time in starting a conversation and letting him know that she was one of the keenest admirers of his latest book. "•You have no idea how very helpful I have found it, Mr. Brain! " she gushed. " Indeed," replied the author. "In what way, may I ask? " " Oh, it has taught me to concentrate." "To concentrate? That's very nice. Now tell me, what are you concentrating on at the present time ? " asked the author. " Qh," replied the girl, " lots j and lots of things! BLENKINSOP AND HIS FLA?. At last Blenkinsop had found a flat. It is but a little statement, but what a world of worry, bustle, and worn-out shoes is bound up in it. The landlord was just asking him a few questions. " Of course, you have no children ? " said the potentate. " None at all," answered the prospective tenant. " Dogs or cats?" "No." "Piano, pianolo, or gramophone ? " " No, but, I'll tell you what. I've got a fountain-pen that squeaks rather badly every time I use it. But I U get rid of that* if you like," answered Blenkinsop, for,., as we know, a worm will turn, even in the presence of landlords. > A RARE SIGHT.

\n obscure poet took b:s wife and his eight children to the zoo. The children had madtt repeated demands to see the elk bo the pc«t pleaded witn th(> man at the' turnstile. " I'm a poet," tic said, -• anc i l have a wife and eJgnt children. Can we get in to see the elk without payins the full price ? " , , . The man at the turnstile craned out 01 his little box. " Half a moment," he said - You are a poet. I'hat is your wife, and those are your eight children and vou want to have fl- look at tiio cl& . .Lxact.lv." said the poet. •• ]f you wiijV second, ssiti the irjdn, "I'll fetch the eik along to have a look at you! KOT THE ONLY ONE. Paw kins and a friend were so absorbed in earnest conversation that they did not notice another man ahead of them. " She is the most cantankerous woman I ever met." said Daw kins to his Inend. •' What do you mean by talking about mv wife! " exclaimed the stranger, flashing round. " Here, steady there," said Dawkins. " You've no right to listen to our conversation. 1 merely said that a jndv of my acquaintance was the most illtempered person 1 ever met. " But you were speaking of my wife, I tell you." "Nothing of the sort," snapped Dawkins. " i don't know your wife." This somewhat mollified the bad-tem-pered mail, tie stepped back, bowed, and fairly beamed on Dawkins. "I apologise." he said. " 1 thought tJiere was only one like her in the world. I was mistaken. You have my sympathy! "

Professor: "What are the constituents of quartz?" Bright Pupil: "Pints." Physics Professor: "What is the centre of gravity V* Bright Student: " The letter Teacher: "What vein balances the flow of biood in the body?" Pupil: "The juggler vein." ■ ■ x Antiquarian : "These ruins are two thousand years old." Tourist: "Eats! It's cnlv 1925 now." Teacher: "What is the most popular domestic weekly?" Pupil: "The Saturday night's baih." "Do you know what that girl at the sweets counter weighs ?" " Ko." "Why sweets, of course." | Dip: "That girl is a corker." Lama: " Who is she V " She works down at the bottling works." "I am Cornish by birth." "Yea don'fc say so! I always thought as they were caused by tight boots." I ' Suitor: "T can't live withont your, daughter, sir." Rich Parent: "All nghfc» I'll pay for the funeraL" Jane: "What first attracted voa ,to Harry, dear?" Judithi 'The fact thai we both like the same tooth paste!" Nurse: "Come, drink this." Patient: "What is it, nurse?" "Water." "Give it to rne in a spoon till I get used to it." Dora: "So you made up your quarrel with Tom?" Doris: "Yes, but only temporarily. We're getting married next month." Jinks: "You're always • grumbling! Why can't you be content with your lot'/" Binks: " Because I've not got a lot." Science Lecturer: "What does a dog do when it finds a tin can tied to his liaii Pupil: "It goes broadcasting down the street." Sporting Friend: "Ever done any shootin' ?" Jones: "Well, the last two years I've started the races at our flower sports!" Freezing point is 32deg. F. But Sappers have been known to freeze a. man when the atmosphere in the ballroom was SOdeg. Customer: "Are you the man who cut my hair last time?" Barber (tersely): "I couldn't be, sir; I've only been hero a year." First Actor (on tour): "How do you like my room, as a whole?" Second Ditto : "As a hole it's fine, as a room—not so good." Professor: "Can anyone tell me what Shackleton got when he made his trip_ to the North Pole?" Pnpil: "I can, sir—rheumatism."

'' Now that you are married, I suppose you will lake out an insurance policy 'J" " Oh, no. I don't think she's going io be dangerous." She: " I spent the winter m Germany . I loved Danzig." He: "Shall vre step out on the floor then, or is your coJd too bad?" Small Boy: "Daddy, what is collegebred V Is if the same as ordinary bread V Father (grimly) : " No, my boy,, It's a four-year loaf." Kindly 03d Lady: "My poor man, sisthere no one to stretch out a hand to you?" J£x-conviet: "Yes, mupi, that's how they got me." Chemistry Professor: "The gas in the / cylinder is a deadly poison. What!, steps '• \vould you take if any of it pscaped?" Pupil: "Long ones." Author: "So von like my article. What part do you particularly like?" Critic;' "Oh, I think those quotations from Scott are simply splendid." i Wife: "Is that yon, George?" Husband: " Yes, dear." Wife: " Oh, I'm so glad' I'm always afraid there's a man in the house till yon come." Mrs. Brown (engaging cook): "How are ' you on fancy dishes?" Bridget: "Just as easy as 1 can be, mum. But the things will break sometimes." ' . • Purchaser: " What is the charge for this battery?" Garagemao: "One and a-hal£ volts." Garagenxan: " Well, how much is that in American money?" Waiter: " Here is our bill of fare, sir." Farmer Jones (in from the country): "I ain't going to pay no bill o' fare till I've had something ,to eat." Counsel: "You say defendant, ran you down. Can vou swear to the- man ?"< Plaintiff: " I did at the tune of the accident, but the blighter only drove on i"

Jones: "What are yea buying your wife for Christmas, old man?" Smith: "WeJ, that's just worrying me. I can t reiaeni* ber whether the wanted a lea set or a settee." "What do yea take as a remedy fw voir insomnia i" "A giass of co,2rna-c at intervals." "Does tiat""make- you sleep!" "No, i:ut it maies me satisfied to stay awake." Mr. Bland, in characterising a former employee who is now a rival an.d com•>et:tcf, said: "Why, he's a sharper, a thief and a liar, and* 1 taught him all he knows." "Sir, I w;sh to marry yotir daughter, Susan.'' "Von do, eh ? Are you in a position to support a family?" "0h„ yes, sir." "Better be sure of it. There are ten of us. Rev. Dr. Angell: am informed, my good friend, thai you're losing vour money on fast, lioises." Frank Speeds: "Your miormation is all wrong, I'm losing my money on slew horses. ' Ma: "No, Gladys will not became engaged until she is 20." Pa: "But, my dear woman, she may not get the chance when she is 20. Ma: "Well, she will remain 20 until she does." v ' \ "How would yon lilte to hear your little ones howling for bread ?" asked the beggar. The family man sighed. "It would be heavenly," he said. " They do nothing at present but. howl for chocolates."

Father: "Did yen tell yonr teacher that i helped you with yonr French ex» v v frcise, Tommy?" Tommy: " ■ • Father: "And what- did-.. she say - Tommy: '• She said she vooldn t *!*£■ -• me this time 'cos it Hidn t seem <*ir ,-;! I should suffer for your jeaocanfls. .