ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19292, 3 April 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Would you like to see 'Peter Pan' . next Wednesday, Bobby?" "Rather. Wendy's my birthday." " I say, Brown, can you spell hungry horse in four letters?" "No—neither can you." " M.T.G.G." Teacher: " How many make a dozen ?' Tommy: "Twelve." "liow many make a million?" "Very few." "Do you know father has never spoken a hasty word to mother?" "How is that?" "He stutters." " ril never ask another woisaan to marry me as long as I live.". " Refusai again ? " " No—accepted." Customer: " I want a couplo of pillowcases." " What size? " Customer: "I don't know ,but I wear a size seven hat." Diner: "Why docs that dog sit tbero and watch mo all the time? " Waiters " I expect you've got the plate he usually eats from." "Last night I made an awful mistake.'* " That so ? How ? " "I drank tvro bottles of gold paint." " How do you feel ? " " Guilty." City Man (in car): " And do you call this a free country ? " Farmer: " Well, the motorists that come np around here seem to think so.". "How's the business going?*' **Lii» clockwork." " Why, I heard you had failed." "So I have. They've just wound np the business." " Johnny, I want yon to run a message for me." " Sha'n't!" "Johnny, is that the way to speak to your father ?" " If you please, I sha'n't." " Yes, he's a, fine actor," remarked one Eerson to another. "I remember seeing im when he brought the house down. " Ah, brick by brick, I expect." > * Teacher: "What is an engineer?" Willie: "Man who runs an engine." Teacher : " Correct. And a pioneer ? " Willie: "Man that tunes a piano." Patient: "Doctor, what I need is pomething to stir me np—something to out me in fighting trim." Doctor: "Well, perhaps I had better send in my biD." i First Stndent: "Great Scott! I've forgotten who wrote ' Ivanhoe.' " Second Ditto: " I'll toll you if yon tell me who the dickens wrote ' The Tale of Two Cities.' " Jim: "Poor old Bobbins! Ho spent sex months writing, his alleged drama and then it was turned down by the producers.** Jam: " All work and no play, eh ? " " George, if you don't stop FD scream —CTI call mother! Mother! Mother! . . . Oh, my goodness, George, here ehe comes. I never dreamed that she was at home! " "Johnny, what do yon mean by coming to school like that ? Yonur hair is disgraceful." "No comb, miss." "Can't you nse your father's comb 1 " "No hair, miss! " Wife (angrily): "I am going to leave yon for ever. What do you' say to that?" Her Husband: " Call in yonr dressmaker and I'll order you a new going-away gown." ' She (enthusiastically): " Oh, I would have given anything in the world for that vase." He: " Well, why didn't you bny it ? " " Buy it! Why, the man wanted five shillings! for it!" Rafter: " I'm becoming so near-sighted that I bump into people when I walk along the street." Shatter: "Goodness, man! That's dangerous. Why don't you bny a car and drive it? " " Good . heavens, man! What's the matter with your face? Have you had an accident with the car ?" " No: I was being shaved by a woman barber when n mouse ran across the shop." " I hear that you've bought your daughter an automobile. Pretty expensive game isn't it ? " "No ;" it's a matter of economy. I figured that the car will keep her away from bridge parties." The doctor had two pretty children. One day a wom?i passing two small boys heard one s»;: to the other: " Those pretty girl; crwz there are the doctor's children.'* - Yes, I know," said the other. "He keeps the best for himself." Master (to coachman): " John, just go ) down to the well and draw some water for Mary." John: "I was engaged to drive the car, and not to draw water, sir." Master: " Oh, well, ja*t get the car out and take Mary to the well, then.'* " What became of the Cromwell relica that you had on exhibition hero ?•" asked the visitor of the museum attendant " Let me see," said the man, who was now to his job, " I fancy they were returned to Mr. Cromwell last week, sir." A motor-cyclist raced down the road with even more speed and noise than usual, and the two roadman stared after him with some alarm. Then one spoko with emphasis: " Til tell thee what, Garge; if that chap meets owt Vll never meet nowt no more." A few days after a farmer had placed his two children in a school a book agent called on him and said, " Now that your children go to school you ought to 'buy them an encylopedia." , "Buy them an encyclopedia ? Hanged if I do," was his reply. "Let them walk, like I did." The vicar was administering consolation to a parishioner who had recent.lv lost her husband. " Ah, Mrs. Foggett," he said unctuously, " we never realise the full value of anything nntil we lose it! " . " No, sor," said Mrs. Foggett but Aa shan't realise anything—poor Bill wassent insured! " " Why is it you nevor get to the pffice to time in the morning?" demanded the head clerk, angrilv. " It's like this," explained the tardy one; " yon kept telling mo not to watch tho clock during office hours, and I have got out of the habit of watching it at homo as well" " Here's a queer announcement on tins ; bill of fare: ' The proprietor will be-glad to receive complaints of - What's queer about it? wigr should th. proprj.tej£ to complaints? Because that his easterners! are not mo ™ . , •.. . . , .| "•