SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19275, 13 March 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

THE BOY PASSED. At an examination a hoy, asked to state j why a tiger is striped, wrote:— It- is striped beear.se it makes it bet- | ter for cirrus proprietors. If a tiger es- ! rapes from a circus it is easier to find ! him than if he had no stripes. Ue will : not go far without someone noticing that J he is not a horse or a dog, on account- of I his stripes, and calling up and asking the J circus people if they have lost a tiger," THE LATEST DOG STORY. There was a man who had three dogs. One evening when he came home he found j all three asleep on his couch. He whipped j them and drove them away. The next, night, when he came home, j the dogs were lying on the floor. But he j placed his hand on the couch and found j it warm from their bodies. Therefore, he j gave them another whipping. The third night, returning earlier than j usual, he found the dogs sitting before j the couch, blowing on it to cool it. I A MATTER OF TIME. j There was a great, deal of sympathy for the man leaning against the bar. Ilis hand shook as he held it to his head, j Several .offers of brandy were made and accepted, hut still his hand shook. Finally j there was a collection. He left much richer than he came. "Nervous breakdown. 1 suppose""! said one of the donors to the landlord. "Not,a bit of it," was the reply. " lie bought a wrist-watch yesterday, and it won't go! THE PORTER'S TEST. "Porter!" The passenger for London hailed a railway porter at a small Scottish station. " Yes. sir? " "Do you think this parcel is tied well enough to stand a journey in the van? Well, I'll see." answered the porter, dropping the parcel with a bang. " She'll get- that here an' she'll got that at the junction " —giving it another drop—■" and she'll get that at- Perth ! "—banging it so lustily that all the contents scattered over the pjlatform. " VVeel, sir, if she be going farther than Perth, she'll nae do whatever! " S.AD MEMORIES. One frosty night a shivering young man entered a billiard saloon with his coat collar turned up and his hands in his trouser pockets. He had a downcast look, and another young man slapped him on the back and said: "Cheer up, Tom! Let's have a game of billiards. I'll pay." But Tom shook his head. " Thanks," he eaid, " but I don't care, -to play billiards, old man." "Come on! Why not?" "Well, you see every time I look at the three balls on the table they make me think of my overcoat." HIS EXTRA MARK. This happened at a conference of negro preachers in America. A visiting bishop was looking at the various examination papers, and came upon one marked .101 per cent. " See here, Brother Jones," ho asked the worthy who was conducting the. test, " what basis does yo' base yo' answers on ?" One hundred per cent,," advised the minister. " But how does this man come to be marked 101 per cent.?" "Oh, yo' see, suh," answered the minister, "ho answered one question we didn't ask!" HE WAS QUITE FED UP. Smith is a very quiet, unaggressive little man, but Mrs. Smith is famed all through their district for her temper and her interfering ways. Not long ago Smith was ill, and after a few days Mrs. Smith called in the doctor. The medical man was pnzzled over the case, as the patient did not seem to have anything really wrong with him. "Well, it's nothing serious," said the doctor. "You merely want to be fed up." Smith looked cautiously round the room, and then said, in a husky whisper: \ "You're wrong there, doctor. I don't want to bo fed up. I am." GOING FOR A PINT. A woman was in the waiting-room of the local hospital whe na young man entered wearing a white jacket. " Excuse me, are you the doctor ? " she asked. " No, madam. T am a student passing out as a doctor." Shortly another fellow entered, was asked the same question, and gave the same reply. The woman, rather annoyed at this, made up her mind to say something different the next time she had an' opportunity. It was not long before another fellow in a white coat entered. " Excuse me. I suppose you are a student passing out as a doctor ? " " No, came the reply. "I am a painter passing out for a pint." THEY WERE ALL WRONG. They stood speculating. " I say it's red sandstone! " declared the first, lodger, examining a semi-globular object. "It's weight tells me that." " Too hard, my boy," said another. " More likely to be something Silurian." "Pooh!" interjected a third. " Tt's common brick, that's all.it is. Just ask the landlady." " Mrs. Stubbins," said the first lodger, as the autocrat of the boarding-house entered the room, " can you tell us whence came this geographical specimen ? " That ain't no jeergraphical specimen," snapped Mrs. Stubbins. My daughter, who attends a cookery school, made that. It's her birthday cake!" " GHOST " IN A CHURCH. The talk in the servants' hall was of ghosts. The butler eventually made a bet of ten shillings that James, the footman, would not dare to enter the village church at midnight and knock a nail in a certain pew. The bet was accepted and at the appointed hour James crept into the church. A couple of minutes later he came dashing into the kitchen without his coat. When he regained his composure, he j isaid he had knocked the nail in the pew, and when he turned to leave the church nomeone, or something, grabber! his coat ana tore it from his back.- Next morning the footman's coat was found nailed to the seat of the pew! " FARES, PLEASE! " A stout woman sat in a tramcar beside her husband. Another passenger entered, and the stout woman promptly moved over on top of her husband to make room. " Deiarest, you'll have to pay my fare, 1 can't reach'my pocket," the hidden man gasped. When tha conductor came along, the wom.an handed him twopence and said: " Two! " " One, you mean, don't you ! said the conductor. " Two," repeated the woman. " I can only accept fare for one, madam," replied the conductor. " Your size," he added, gallantly, " makes no difference." "You insulting—why—!" she cried. " How dare you —yon insulting—! " " But," said the bewildered conductor, " I don't see any other passenger you should wish to pay for." " She's sitting on him," said a man sitting opposite. "Oh! " said the conductor. " Well, I reckon it- isn't the first i time."