LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19275, 13 March 1926, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

BY MERCUTIO.

Everyone knows why it is imperative that so many annual conferences should be held ;j( Dunedin this year. It is the same sort of coincidence that causes so many deputations to descend on Wellington ■when there is a race meeting at Trentharn. 1 here are "urgent national problems" to be considered at these conferences, and no doubt the serious atmosphere of Dunedin assists in their solution. So the story goes, and it is nothing less than shameless that the veil of decency should have been s.o rudely rent as it was in the report of the New Zealand blaster Bakers' and Pastrycooks' Association. " There was a large attendance of delegates from all parts of the Dominion. (How they flock to these dreary conferences!) The business was purely formal, and the conference then adjourned to attend a reception by the exhibition directors." This suggests n new version of an old saving—" When conferences interfere with exhibitions, give up conferences." The Choral Society complains of the great scarcity of tenors in Auckland. Most people have not felt the trouble, but a few have been heard bemoaning the acute dearth of fivers. Those who were emphasising the judicial duties of Licensing Committees will have received a rude shock bv the announcement: "It is understood that the Hutt Licensing Committee's meetings will now be 1 wet' instead of ' dry.' " The surprising thing is that there were only fourteen candidates for the five seats. Miss Melville's political excursions have brought her at last to the Garden of Eden —where, by the way, strawberries and not apples are the forbidden fruit. Adam, in the person of the Eden electors, may well cogitate whether Eve comes fo him with a whole heart or whether some of it may not be left in Grey Lynn or Roskill, or perhaps held in reserve for some other prospective match. It is ungallant so to look into.the political past of a suitor, but old Adam was tempted once before by a woman and very little good came of it, if ■we except that noble poem " Paradise Lost," whose title should be sufficient warning for dwellers in Eden. It is generally a close season for mixed metaphors, when Parliament is out of session, but even the most fervid politician never perpetrated such a mixture as that which appeared in bold black type in a newspaper heading this week. Of its kind, it is " a gem of purest ray serene," and is therefore reproduced as follows: " Worms that Turned"—" Kicking Over the Traces"—" Mr. Lang's Hard Row"— " A Scapegoat Wanted." " Mercutio" hopes they won't find the real goat. The Museum has received a gift of an elm wood water pipe that once was part of a London main. Could someone not present as a curio a piece of the main that still connects the city reservoirs with the Western Springs? "Some stealth-almost' of a criminal nature might be required to secure a length, but if the deed would ensure that never again would the authorities be able to draw upon this source of supply, many citizens would sleep more soundly o' nights. It appears that when a break in the line to Titirangi occurs the Western Springs pumping station runs, but the Taupo advocates whisper that breaks would have to be very frequent to account for the amount of springs water that comes up duly chlorinated. Canterbury continues to contribute fo the gaiety of the nation. Now it is the Island fruit business. For a long time we have been hearing about the necessity for direct shipping between the Islands and the South Island, all because Canterbury wants to eat more fruit, as the slogan goes. This week, however, the Parliamentary representatives of Christchurch have been told about the wickedness of Rarotonga being allowed to send her tomatoes to Canterbury at a time when the local growers consider it their right to charge famine prices for this fruit or vegetable, or whatever it is. No sooner are the tomato growers beginning to rake in the early season prices than the "simple islanders" come in with a shipment that sends the price down to a reasonable figure. This the M.P.'s must understand is very unreasonable, and they are informed that they must do something about it—a stiff duty, for instance, during November and December. The M.P.'s are in a quandary. They point out that the, Cook Islands are a part of New Zealand's territory, but- they suggest that the tomato growers might make a case on account of the fact that the Island fruit brings in diseases. The idea seems to he that- tomatoes should be declared diseased when prices are high, but that oranges and bananas should suffer no restrictions. One of these days Canterbury might begin to see the jokeBetween the water inquiry of the Minister of Health and the advocacy of kerb-side petrol pumps by the Minister of Internal Affairs, the Auckland CityCouncil is beginning to feel like the man who imagines that the whole world is leagued against him. Our aldermen are strongly of opinion that some things are not really done in the city of Auckland, the corporation of which is the next largest public institution to the Parliament of the land, and that one of them is what is colloquially known as "butting in" by Ministers of the Crown. The question is: what- is the council going to do about it ? The council itself has not the faintest idea, and seeing that neither of the Ministers concerned has to nurse a vote, in the city, they are quite unconcerned. However, it would not be a bad idea if Mr. Young took care not to do anything that might prejudice the immediate water obligations of the City Council. and Mr. Bollard concentrated his attentions upon the control of alleged ert unions and allowed municipalities to decide what they should do about kerb-side pumps. What he considered a strange sight metthe wondering eves of an Auckland citizen this week. Ho was passing a, butcher s shop from which an employee was loading hoop-iron into a motor-lorry. Hie citizen remarked to himself: " That's the very first time I've seen anything but meat being carted away from a butcher s shop." Then, noticing that the load was hoop-iron, he remarked facetiously to the employee: "That's got you beat, anyway. You can't make that into sausages. ' " Don't yoa he too sure," was the ready I'eplv, and a very good one, too, when considering the bona fides of sausages. Ihe latest yarn from Dunedin. An exhibition visitor had not been at the exhibition this day, but had spent it imbibing at a hotel close to where the cable tram, a squat box-like contraption , starts for Mornington. At six o'clock he found himself on a swaying street, and immediately thought of food. His eye caught the red box of a cable car. and for it he steered. He was tacking up to it nicely when off it moved. He gazed after it for a moment and then ejaculated, " Well, keep your pies."