ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXII, Issue 19061, 4 July 1925, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"fiat's the matter with your understudy?" "Overstudv." Henry: "Does your wife pick all your suits for you?" John: "No, just the pockets." He: "What's the name of this ship?" She: " Don't ask me. I'm not even sure of the ocean." Little Will: "What's skeletons, anyway ?" Big BH1: " Bones with the people off, my son." " What are you going to do for a living?" "Write." "Write what?" "Write home!" Magistrate: "You will go to prison for fourteen days." Man: "Can I take my crystal set with me?" " My husband has the disposition of a mule." " Then you had better not talk about him behind his back." " I just paid the doctor another ten dollars 011 his bill." "Oh, goody! Two more payments and the baby's ours." " Every time I have an argument with my girl 1 enter it in a small diary. " Ah —I see. You keep, a little scrapbook." " And you say you guarantee these canaries?" "Guarantee them? Why, madam, I raised them from canary seed!" " Do you know what time we begin work at this office, Miss Lee ?" " I can't say I do. You are all hard at it when 1 arrive." -*• First Farmer: " How do you find your new hired man, Ezra?" Second Farmer:,] " I look in the shade of the tree nearest ■. his work." First Irate Gentleman : " Be careful, sir; I know myself." Second Irate Gentleman: "Weil, sir, I am unable to felicitate 011 your acquaintance." Tom: "My girl got Austria the other night on her new five t'ube radio." Jerry: "That's nothing. My girl every night without any radio," Fern (as Eleanor concludes a piece on the piano): " And Eleanor never had a lesson in her life!" Mae: "It's sweet of her not to put the blame on any one else!" Lucy (to guest) : " Do you like that cake, Mrs. Blown?" Mrs. Brown: "Yes,' dear, very much." Lucy: "That's funny, 'cause mother said you haven't any taste." Ruth (just back from the country): " You know, dear, being back in town, I do miss all the cows and sheep and pigs and things." Robert: "Yes, but you still have me, darling." Hortense: "Don't you think there are a great many things nowadays that have a tendency t'o divert the mind from matrimony?" Marjorie: "Oh, y®s, ever so many, especially after marriage." Ethel: "Who is that man you just - bowed to?" Penelope: "That, was Dobson, the great composer.' Ethel: "A composer, did you say?" Penelope: Yes, He manufactures soothing syrup. ' " What- are your political sympathies, Comrade ?" " Oi'm against the Government, dom it." "But here there is no Government. This is a complete anarchy. " Thin Oi'm aginst the anarchy." Mary: " Nature provides for everything, they say. I wonder if that is really so ? Anne: " It may be, dear; but if I ever get the chance I'm i?oing to pick myself a rich husband and let him do it. Man (with broken nose): "Can you tell me where Trafalgar Square lies ?' Stranger: "Yes. Take the first to the left, then follow your nose." " You mean keep straight 011." " No, turn to the right." "Darling," said his young bride, noticing her husbaild bad barely touched thu dessert site had prepared as a surprise, "how is the frozen pudding?" "Well, dear." replied her husband, "it was cold." er Friend: "Weren't you nervous at the wedding, with all those people looking at vou?" Benedict: "Me nervous? Why should I be nervous? Nobody looked at me—l was only the bridegroom, you know." The Daughter: "I shall never marry until I meet m/ ideal, mother." Her Mother: "My goodness, Marion, I had just such old-maidish ideas when I was your age, but I married your father just the name." Mr. Giles once lent a volume of Plato to one of his neighbouring farmers, and when the book was returned asked: "Well how did you like Plato?" "First-rate, said the farmer. "I see he's got some of my ideas." First Woman of the World : "You re still sticking to smokin' then?" Second Woman of the World: Yes. Im likixi it better now that I've found out you draw the smoke in and don t just blow down the holder." " What is that big iron thing over there?" asked Laura. "A locomotive boiler," said Tom. Laura looked thoughtful. After a moment she asked: "Why do they boil locomotives?" "To make the engine tender," said' Tom. First Horseman: " You're always whipping your horse on tlm right sioio; why don't "you Rive him a little on the' left for a change?" Second Horseman: "It doesn't matter; as long as 1 get one sido going the other is sure to comc." An Irish sergeant, was drilling two very stupid recruits, who could not be prevailed upon to keep step. Losing all patience, he shouted: "If I knew which of ye two' spalpeens was out. of step, I'd put him straight in the guard-room." Mother: "Don't you think, doctor, you've rather overcharged for attending Jimmy wh6n ho had the measles?" Physician: "You must remember, Mrs. Brown, that includes twenty-two visits." Mother: "Yes, but you forget he infected the whole school?" During a recent tornado in the United States a letter was blown out of a post office 4 and deposited 100 miles awaj. America is evidently losing her dash. It is not even claimed that tno missive \*as blown into the letter-box of the person to whom it was addressed. Mistress (to new maid) : h f know what the .geyser is? I duti / 3 thought as 'ow she wan speasw aspectfvl of you'm!"