ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXII, Issue 18943, 14 February 1925, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Phi!: "Have yon ever met a bob-haired bandit ?" Adolph: "Met one ? I take one out every night." He: "I'd like to offer you a cigarette, but—" She: " Don't bother. 1 never smoke cigarette butts." He: "Last night I dreamed I married tho most beautiful woman in tho world." She: " Were we happy?" Teacher; "What do wo have ears for?" .Junior: "Dad says mamma has them so she can hear herself talk." He: "Yes; I loved a girl once, and she made a fool of me.", She: "What a lasting impression some girls make!" " Yes, I got the better of my wife last night." " How was that?" " Admitted I was wrong before she had a chance to argue." Doctor: "You are all right. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork." Patient: "You have hold of my wristwatch." A. : "Women have more faith, than men." Mrs. A.: "They have to, if they are going to believe half what the men tell them." Mother; "Yes. derfr, your father and I first met at a dance." Boy: "Oh, that's why he's always telling me to keep away from dance-halls." " I did what I could, Claude. I told her you had more money than sense." " And what did she say?" "She asked if you had any money." Mr. C.: "Are you the man who lectures on peace at any price?" The Man: "Well—<r —I lecture on peace, but my price is fifty guineas a lecture." An Irishman went into a jeweller's to purchase a gold ring. " Eighteen carat?" asked the salesman. "You're a liar," said Pat. " Oi've been aitin' onions." Manager: "Was there any evasion on his part when you asked him for the money?" Collector: "The evading was all on my side. He tried to kick me out." Little Norah and ,her mother had beep shopping, and her mother said: "_Well, dear, shall we ride or walk home ?" "C don't mind. I'll walk if you'll carry me." Mrs. Tabb: " Does your husband object to cats?" Mrs. Stabb: "Yes, indeed. He says that I feed all the cats in the neighbourhood. Won't you stay and have tea ?" " He's a wonderful doctor," exclaimed a brother member of the faculty. "He. has saved more people from dying of old age than any medical mail who has ever breathed!" " John," asked the nagging wife, as the bedtime hour approached, " is everything shut up for the night ?" " That depends on you," growled Mr. Henpeck; " everything else is." . ' Boiiem: "After my death the world will realise what I have done." Sympathetic Friend: "Well, don't worry about it, old chap. You'll be out of harm's way then." " I'm afraid I cannot sell poison without medical authority." "Why: Do look like a man who would kill himself ?" -"I don't know, but if I looked like you I might be tempted." A man and a woman were having a few words. "It I had a husband like you." said the woman, " I'd give him poison." " And if I had a wife like you," was the They were discussing the marital,affairs of a friend. " Yes," said Phyllis, "she says he's a perfect husband. Why, he even sandpapers the firewood to save her from getting splinters in her hands! " " I'm afraid you've made a mistake," said the musician. "I am certainly a doctor, but a doctor of music." " Oh, yes,'-' said the old lady. " I understand. I'm suffering from singing in my ears." At a Christmas party the husband of one of the guests arrived very late. "I have only come to take my wife home," lie explained. "Oh, my dear Mr. Blank," said the hostess, "why didn't you come The teacher had been giving a class of youngsters some idea of proverbs, and after the lesson she put a few questions. "Birds of a feather —do what?" "Lay eggs," piped a small boy before anybody else had a chance to speak. Miller: "I forgot my umbrella this morning, dear." Mrs. Miller (sarcastically) : " How did you come to remember having lost it?" " Well, I shouldn't have missed it, dear, only I raised my hand to shut it when the rain stopped." " D'ye ken, John," she remarked to her henpecked husband, " I'm sure oor laddie is thinking seriously o' matrimony." " Weel, I hope he is," was the faltering reply. " I vvadna want ony laddie o' mine tae regard the thing as a joke." A bachelor, in sending his weekly bundle of washing to the laundry, enclosed a note: —" Please darn socks and debit. ' When the washing was returned the socks were found to be darned, but underneath the note was written: —" Sorry. We found no debit in your parcel'" A woman went into a concert agent's to engage an entertainer for her first party.- " What price are you prepared to pay, madam?" she was asked. "Oh, say seven-and-sixpence for the evening," slio said. " Pardon me," was the reply; " what you want is a muffin-man." A few days after a farmer had put his two children to school a book agent called on him. and said :—"Now that your children go to school, you ought to buy them an encyclopaedia." " Buy them an encyclopaedia ? Hanged if I do !" was his retort. "Let 'm walk, like I did. They were annoyed in the box-office of a West-encl theatre the other night. A woman had bought a stall, and kept on asking them to assure her that it was near enough to the stage. " Madam," said the exasperated manager at last, "if it was much nearer you'd have to perform." | He entered the office hat in hand. "I've come in answer to your advertisemerit for a 'a-ncly man," he informed the manager. Tho latter looked him over."Well, what are vour qualifications.' he asked at length. "Just that I m very 'andy, sir," replied the man. I lives next door to 'ere." The worried mother had the greatest trouble in superintending the education of her son. One day he, was particulr.lv exasperating. '"Ovv many times 'ave I gut to tell von about saying 'Eh?"'" she demanded of him, fiercely, " Why don't . you be a little gentleman an' say ' .Wot,' like yer father ?" It was during the evening meal, and Mrs. Youngling could restrain herself no longer. " I cooked that myself, dear. Mother always said that I excelled in two things—potato salad'and marmalade pudding." Mr. Youngling put down his fork, " Splendid, darling!" he said, enthusiastically. " Er—which is this?" McNab was worried. " I'm feart I've made an avvfn* mistake," he confided to McPherson. " I've got engaged tae a lass in Auchtermuchty, an' noo I hear she's a terrible flirt an* has been kissed by every mon in the toon." " Ah, weel," said McPherson, comfortingly, '' Auciiterciuchty's no' &ic & big place aftej a'J,"