ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18843, 18 October 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

" Jcnka Lac an artistic temperament." " I shouldn't trust him, either.

First Father; "Enjoy the circus!" Second Ditto: "No. The peanuts were rotten."

A: "Why is an author like *, criminal?" B: "Because both have to work out their sentences."

Prospective Cook (to mistress): "An' 'ovr many days o' the week will yer bo wantin* meals?"

Muriel: "What would you do, dear, if you were in my shoes?" Gladys: "I should get lost, I'm afraid."

Professor: "As a success you hare been a failure." Student: "Yes; but as a failure I've been a success!"

Impassioned Speaker: "After all, why are we here ? What is the end of life ? Voice from the rear: "Death."

" I thought Hilda was going to be operated on at eleven." " She was, but she has to have her hair bobbed first."

"If you join our lodge you will be buried with music." " Ah, that's immaterial to me, for I am not at all musical."

Mrs. White: "Don't you know Mrs. Grey? She lives in your square." Mrs. Black: "Yes; but she's not in my circle."

A bird at the London Zoo has a crv which drowns the sound of a jazz banc!. Punch exclaims:. "We must co and feed it." #

Minister: "Your husband has been very ill ? Is his condition still critical Sadlooking Woman: "It's worse than critical! It's abusive!"

Book Canvasser: "Is the lady of the house in?" " We're all ladies here, yez flat-faced omadhaun! If yez mane the missus, say so!"

The absent-minded man carefully tied a knot in his shoe-string. "There, said he; "that will remind me to take the shoe off at night."

He: "Now that our engagement has been broken, will you return my letters ?" She: "Not likely. I'm compiling a humorous calendar.''

A.B. See "How did Webster ever compile the dictionary." Q.E. Dee: "Whenever he and his wife had a quarrel one word led to another.!'

Mr. Henpcck: "Everything he touches turns to money." Mrs. Henpeck: "If he touched you, I suppose you would turn into a German mark!"

Nervous Passenger: "Eut what would you do if the boat capsized Boatman: "Oh, don't you worry about me, mum, I've nothing on that will spoil."

First Tramp: "I see by this here paper it says the workers is ruinin' the country." Second Ditto: "Didn't I always tell yer that work was no good ?"

She: "What's the difference between a haunted house and a man who tries to kiss you?" He: "I give if, up." "Why, you can't let b haunted house."

Smith, being introduced to golf for the first time, had hit the ball a terrific whack and Bent it half a mile. "Now, where do I run to ?" he cried excitedly.

Visitor at the Zoo: "I understand 15,000 people come here every week." Keeper: "Yes, sir; ana you can't imagine how it cheers the animals up."

Rescuer (as he drags very wet and dishevelled fisherman to land): "How was it that you came to fall in ?" The Rescued One: "I didn't; I came for a day's fishing."

She: "Should you really have shot yourself if I had refused you?" He: "I should! I had already written to five ironmongers for quotations for a revolver!"

Villager (to district visitor): "So your 'usband's independent, is 'e, mum ? . So'g mine. You know, he's one of them sort when they sees ' Push ' on a door always pulls it!"

Wife; "I don't see how we can go for a holiday this summer." Husband: "You know it's on the children's account." "Yes; but have they that much in the bank?"

Lawyer: " You say you can bring witnesses to swear they were with you in a rowboat at the time the burglary was committed." Accused: " Look 'ere; I can bring as many as the boat'll hold! '

" Jack wants me to learn all the traffic rules, but I think that would be foolish," said Mrs. Cutie. "Why foolish ?" asked her friend. " Why. it'« much easier to let the policeman explain them to you."

Funeral Orator: "I have neither the time nor inclination to pass paregorics on the deceased." Auditor: "Panegyrics, you mean!" Speaker (stiffly): " As you please, sir; the words are anonymous."

A chemist received this note, scribbled in haste, the other day: "My baby has eat up its father's parish plaster. Send an anecdote quick by. the enclosed girl, send bottle of 0 Dick Alone as I am ft bit historical."

Hawkins: Well, old man, how's business going ?" Martin: " Oh, like clockwork. ' Hawkins: " But I heard a rumour that your people had failed." Martin: "So they have. The business has just been wound up."

Shopkeeper (to new boy): " Don't hang about wasting time now you're finished sweeping the shop. You can be catching flies an' shoving them into our new patent fly-trap, so that it will be ready to put in the window."

Sweet Young Thing (coming in with attentive partner from room wners a hard bridgo game has been in progress): "Oh, mother, I've just captured the booby!" Mother: "Well, well! Come here and kiss me, both of you!"

The old gentleman was a trifle bewildered at the elaborate wedding. " Are you the groom ?" he asked a melancholylooking young man. " No, sir," the young man replied. " I was eliminated in the preliminary try-outs."

Customer: "Why can't you drive the cat away from tne table?" Waiter"Well, you see, sir, it's stewed rabbit to-day, and the guv'nor ss.ys it gives the customers confidence to have the cat well in evidence on these days."

A famous actress, doubtless from nervousness, was on a certain first nigh' practically inaudible to the gallery in one of her tensest scenes. Suddenly the silence was broken by a voice from the gallery, speaking quite confidently: "Are we supposed to hear this, miss?"

Little Doreen had been to » mission try meeting, and was giving her mothe:,' a graphic account of the missionary's address. "Ho told us about nasty b'uck men, mummie," she said, " who eat each other up. Then they beat on. their tumtums, and the sound can bo heard miles way "Farm products " cost more than they used to." Yes," replied the farmer.-' " When a farmer is supposed to know the botanical nanus of what he's raisin', an' the entomological name of the insect ! that eats it, an' the pharmaceutical nam* of the chemical that will kill it, some* body's got to pay." ; ( :'} ■ .. ' ; • -j-v ):' V-'i'/*