ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18641, 23 February 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

The Fop : "Yaas, you know, I al ways sleep in gloves to keep my hands soft." ' Miss B. Guile: "Do . you sleep in your, hat, too?" . • Njt: "What did he say to F the Dean when he was fired?" Wit "He congratulated the school on turning out such fine men." "They're nice-looking horses of yours; appear to be well matched." " They are; one's willing to pull and the other's quite willing to let him." " Oh, for the wings of a dove," sighed poet. • "Order what you like," rejoined thd prosaic person, *' but I should prefer the breast of a chicken;" " My daddy's taller than yours," boasted Billie. " He isn't!" retorted Jack, indignantly. ". My daddy's so tall that he has to stand on a chair to put. his collaron!" - ... " Jessie, I have told you again and again not to speak when older persons. are talking, but w- it until they stop." "I've tried that ready, mama. They never do stop." Judge: " You are charged with being a deserter, having left your wife. Are all of the facts in the case true?" Prisoner: " No, your Honour, I sim not a deserter, Just a, refugee." - - ; Little Janic: " Mother,, if baby, .was to * swallow the goldfish, "would he be able to swim like one Mother: "Ob, my heavens, no, child. . They'd kill him. J> ' 44 But they didn't." ■ , First Freshman (putting up pictures): " I can't find a single pin. Where do they all go to, anyway ?" Second Freshman: ' " It's hard to tell, because they're pointed in one direction and headed in another." "I don't know what to give my husband for Xmas this year "What ' about cigars?" "No, George is so sentimental about my presents. He hasn't smoked .those 1' gave him last year yet.". "Now, the word 'frantic,*, children, means wild," said the teacher, " Johnny, , give me a sentence , using the word •frantic.' " " PJeasc, . teacher,", piped /little . Johnny. " I picked some frantic flowers." /'/ . Lady, after returning rrom ' afternoon tea party, to her weary husband: "I have just been visiting Mrs. So-and-So. Do you know, that woman would talk the head off you! I am hoarse ,listening, to her." r : *'' "No, HerbeH, I am sorry; but I am sure we could not be happy together. You know I always want my own way in , everything." "But, my dear girl, , you could go on wanting it . after we were married," Two ladies in the 'bus were chatting together. "My husband goes out every evening for a little constitutional, said one. " Does yours?" " No," replied the other, "my husband always keeps it in . the house." . - Great Actress: "That's an atrocious : '/i// portrait! Is that the best you can do? Is there no way you can improve * upon •../,' it? Suggest something." Photographer: " Madam, yon might permit your understudy to sit for yon."'. • The grammar lesson proceeded smoothly enough until the teacher asked a small boy what kind of a noun " trousers " v was. " It's an uncommon noun," was the reply, 4 " because it's singular at the ' top and plural at the bottom." /..-.. v" , ' " That'th a nice diamond you've got in your thignet ring,; 4 Ike. . I'll give . you *[' • tventy qvid for it." "Tventy qvid! . '/. hC Ha, ha, you vos very funny thith morning, vathent you? Vot d'ye think I am, eh ... a philharmonic sassiety ?" : V- 4 Maude: " What a beautiful new gown Helen is wearing.'. Says it's imported,. doesn't she Marie:, " Not exactly in 1/ ■</ those words. It's her.last season's dress. ;, The dressmaker has turned it inside out, . and now . she says it's from the other /!// •$ side," " , /'V , ........... i A Scotch workman was slipping out of the garage during business hours to ; " web >// / his whistle," when he ran into the boss. •./// "Hello!" said the latter, pleasantly, x "were you looking for me?" "Ay," replied Sandy,' " I wis looking for. ye, but I didna want .tae find ye." ; - Wife (waxing, philosophical): "Just to : think, John First, utter drabness, then - the working of the sap, ; and • finally the gorgeous tree—splendid in its multitude of - : ,jold and crimson gowns! How like our »•'" lives!" Fed-up Husband: " How like, in- ' deed, my dear! You the gorgeous tree . and me the sap!" 11 * * 1 1 A shipwrecked mariner had just arrived.; on the cannibal Island of Oompah, and was making some rather nervous inquiries. " Was the last missionary you had here a good man?" he asked. " Pretty good," / replied the chief, picking his teeth .re-p. flectively, "but the last time I saw him > ho was stewed." ..." c "I say, what's your father?" inquired v>' one small boy of another.'. , "He's • an ; architect," •' was the reply. "Huh!" scoffed the first, "mine's not./ He's a ■ soldier." "My father: was a soldier lin - the war, too." said the; ; other. ■ " Huh ; again scornfully retorted the other; "Anybody can be 'a soldier when there's a war." " _■ ;■ ' • "• Two friends met in the street one day. Said one of them, " You look worried, old chap; what's the matter?" "I am worried," replied the other. "I wrote two notes last night, one to my brother asking him if he took me for a fool, and the other to a lady asking her if she would marry me. While I was out somebody j telephoned 'Yes,' and I don't which lof V 'em it was," ' ' . The vicar of a certain rural district . was- very absent-minded. . .Strolling, through the/village, he . met the local postman walking ?:; briskly : along,' and . stopped to speak to him. " Where; aro / you going, Smith?" he inquired. , The , man held up a letter, " I've got to walk two miles to deliver this, sir," Ho said.,7; > " Dear, dear," replied the vicar, ' " how silly Why don't you ; post it?" /' Physical culture is awfully interesting!" cried the eager girl just 'back from .4 . boarding-school. "Look, , dad, to develop the arms I grasp 'rod in this; way ' and then move it slowly from right to left. Do you see?" ; "Wonderful!" replied her father in admiration. "What extraordinary things teachers liave , dis- . ; covered! If you had, a bundle of straw at the end of that rod .you"o. be sweep- ; ing." It was an American tourist's first vtslf to Edinburgh, and he made numerous inquiries of an old native of the town regarding places of interest* After the old > mail had satisfied his thirst for knowledge in regard to things romantic and historic, , he inquired, " Say, when do you/have summer in this town!"' "Well, I'm no* verra sure," replied- the Scotsman thought- <• fully, "but last year it was on a Wednesday." mm i 1 The story is told" of a' very poor golfer • / with the maximum / handicap who > went ' v . out to play, having lunched rather to well J beforehand. . With the lack that occasion- ■ ally accompanies suchindulgence, ■ the ;■! player accomplished one of the short 1 holes ;.: - in ; one/ ;He : and his partner searched diligently for the ball, and eventually it •was located .in the • tin. "I shay," mut- /;-/ tered the player as ho looked at the 'ball,/', 11| | this is jpsh my infernal luck; How the ,d«uc» a A> J going to plai .t oat oJ im ■ • ' I I ■!,