CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18577, 8 December 1923, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

SHORT STORIES.

ASKING HIS FATHER. Sonny: "I say. dad, what keeps us from falling off "the earth when we are upside down ?" Father: "Why, the law of gravity, of course." " But how did people stay on before that .law was passed?'' VERY POLITE. Mother had told Ronnie to be very good and polite, and to be sure to thank the hostess when he left, but the kind lady was rather surpri ed when Ronnie said, as he left, " Good-bye. Mrs. Stanmore, I have had a very jolly time, and lots more to eat than I expected." HIS WAY OF COUNTING. Farmer (showing American friend over the farm) : " How many sheep would you guess were in that flock?" Visitor considers a moment, and ventures — 500. " Absolutely correct! How did you get it?" " Waal, I jest counted the legs, and divided the number by four."

ODDS AND ENDS.

A MATTER 07 DIPLOMACY. Boy: " Two pennyworth of steak, and mother says will you please give it me tough ?" 0 Butcher: "Tough? Whatever do yon want it tough for?" Boy: "Because if it's tender me father'!! eat it all, an' we'll get none."

ONE ADVANTAGE. 44 There's one consolation in being in gaol," said the prisoner to the .visiting commissioner. . " What is that ?" > ~ " There's nobody to wake yon up in the middle of the night to tell you to go down and be sure the back door's locked."

HOT GUILTY. " Ytra plead ' Not guilty,' ** said the magistrate," to this terrible charge which is made against you? You have committed the dreadful crime of stealing two pounds of snuff. Have you anything to say?" • " Only one thing, yer worship," cried the tearful prisoner. "I always had an idea that snuff was made to be 'pinched'!"

JUST TO MAKE THINGS SQUABS. An Englishman and a Scotsman were travelling North together, and to pass the time indulged in a game bf nap. On settling up at Carlisle, where the Englishman had to get out, it was found that ho owed the Scot one shilling and a pennv. He paid the shilling, but found that "he had no coppers. t ,,VA" w , el |>'' /aid the Scot, " never mind: 1 111 just be takin your eveiiin' paper.".

TEE OBJECTIVE. It was the object drawing lesson, when the boys were supposed to bring some article— hammer, a top, a box, or what not—with them to school to serve as model, and one small boy presented himself at the master's desl; with the tearful announcement, "Please, sir, I've swallowed my object." "Swallowed it!" cried the master in alarm. " Whatever was it?" " Please, sir," with a gulp, "a \ banana." j

UNDER HIS BREATH. Two Irishmen pot into trouble at the factory in which they worked. The foreman sent for them. Pat was called into his office first and Mike waited outside. After the fateful interview the former came out. Mike inquired as to how he got on. " Splendid," said Pat, " I simply told him to go to Hades." Fortified with fresh courage, Mike went in to take his medicine. A few minuit.es later he came out looking very despondent. "What's happened to you said Pat. "I got the sack," replied Mike. "What for?" "Well, I followed your example, and sent him to a warm climate." " Did he hear you?" said Pat in astonishment. "Of course he heard me." "You silly loon," replied Pat; "I spoke under my breath."

(TOO LATE FOR SUFFER. A provincial parson who paid frequent visits to London aspired to membership of a club, and, in due course, was put up for and accepted by a club which was noted for its late hours and the jcie de vivre of its members. Blissfully unaware of its reputation, the new member paid a visit to London • and stayed at the c üb. After his long journey from* the North, the parson retired to bed very early and awoke equally early. He dressed .and went downstairs to look for breakfast before eight o'clock, and, in the dining room, he was surprised to discover that its only occupant was one weary waiter. As the clergyman was about to sit down at one ot the tables the waiter approached bins and said'apologetically : '' I'm tony, sir, but we are not allowed to fttrvq mcpus gftts mm

Authors are very lucky, really. Some of them can dictate to their wives. "Jack's got a new syren for his car."' "Really. What became of the blonde one ?" Mistress: "Who was the father of th 3 Black Prince?" Intrepid Boy: "Old King Cole, Miss!" Customer: "I would like to see a pair of shoes that would fit my feet." Salesman : "So would I." "There she is—the one in the low-cut gown. They say her heart is broken.'' "Is that so? I can't quite see ii!" " Have any of your childhood ambitions been realised? " Yes, when my mother used to cut my hair, I always wished I hadn't any." Sweet Old. Soul: "You know, 'der.r, I have often thought of going in foe some goldfish ; things have seemed so quiet sine* the death of the canary." The Judge: " Now are yon sure yon understand the nature of an oath: " The Youth (scared stiff): "Sure; ain't I yer caddy down at the links? M Lady (in wrong department). "Havia you Dicken's 'Crickcfc on the Hearth' I'"' Salesman: "No, madam, but I can shovf you a very good table-tennis set." Before they marry some men siu&, "Kind, kind and gentle is she," but a few years later the tnno subtly alters tOj, "Kind, kind,- and gentle—is she Teacher of Hygiene: " Why must we always bo careful to keep our homes clean and neat? " Little Girl: "Because company may walk in any moment." Said the Clnb Bore: "Oh, dear, I won* dor how long I've been talking; my watcK has stopped!" Said hie unwilling audience "You'll find a calendar in the hall.'*

I "Your husband denies it," said the doctor,/"but isn't it true that he smokes between meals?" "No," replied the patient's wife. "He eats between smokes.'' "Weren't you in bad hick as Ion? as you lived in that house numbered 13?" Yes; the landlord came round repularly every month and made us pay the ::ent." "Now I want to know what is meant' by the expression "dressed up to kill, 1 " murmured the inexperienced sportsman as he appeared on the moors in his new shoot* ing suit. "I - thought,** s lid the disappointed fried, "you told me this election was; going to be a walk-over." "Well," answered the former candidate, "it was. I was the doorstep." Johnnie: "Ma! Ma!" Mother: 4 What is it, darling?" Johnnie: "I wish you'd come quick and see what is the matter with the baby. Every time I slap his face he cries." Smith: "They say in this paper that a man has had an umbrella in his possession for twenty years.'' Jones: Well, hasn't the time corne fofl him to return it V " Yes, Your Honor, he neglected ma shamefully. Why, he never was at home.'* " And I suppose you -had to spend you* evenings all by yourself? ** W-w-weR 4 I had two goldfish." 1 44 Position wanted,"' reads sis advertisement in a. Shanghai newspaper. "A 1 young Chinese with four years' experience in English seeks place as a junior clerk* Salary no objection." "Why is » strong man like yon foswl begging?** "Ah, madam, it is.the onhfi profession in which a gentleman can acU dress a beautiful lady without the formal* ity of an introduction." "That horse you sold me is blind, mj3 . you never said a word to ma about it."* "Well, the man who sold it to me didn't tell me either, so I thought perhaps ha didn't want it known." " I say, y'know, all these bills are datecl months before we were married." " Yes, darling, I know they are." " Wei], it's a" bit thick to expect me to pay for the • bait I was caught with." ' Efficiency Expert: '"You are wasting too' much time on your personal appearance.'* Stenographer: ''It's not wasted! I've only, . been here six months and I'm already engaged to the junior partner."

The Comedienne: "What tiro: do you. go on, dear?" . The Violinist: "Oh, I follow the performing cats." The Com-" edienne: "It's a pity the management don't vary the iJerforniance a little." "By the way, Mary," said Doctor Bryce to his maid, "did Mr Jones receive his : medicine last night?" "Oh; yea, I think so," said Mary, brightly "I ; saw the I blinds down as I passed the Jor.ca' house this morning.'* Hostess: "Yes, this is * portrait of a relative. The family originally, came over with William the Conqueror." Newrich: "I guessed 'e was an actor chap. I have a 'niece who came over with ths Belle of New York." Doctor: "No, you'll not be able till leave the house for a week at least." Sh©3 "Oh, de?r! Then I shan't see Emily married! I've missed two of her weddings already, and it may be months before she's married again!" Mrs. Jhonest "Yes, John, as I was say-, ino- Miss Blank has no manners. Why„ while I was talking to her this morning she vawned eleven times." Old "Perhaps, my dear, she wasn't yawning-, she might have wanted to say something.^ o " How was the seance? *' ** A greai success. Mme. Hokus materialised Napoleon Bonaparte, Marie .Antoinette and Julius Caesar." " Quite » dis< ' linguished gathering." 04 Yes, and I was not aware until after the seance that all three could speak English fluently." Extract from an American Journal"! "Cvrus K. Quigley passed through Cedar Falls. Minnesota, "on the morning of tho twenty-fourth inst., on an extended motoring tour. In this town he stopped to examine his petrol tank to find out if it was empty. As it was dark he used a match. The tank was not empty. Age forty-seven." An Australian in London on holiday, became acquainted with a "Scot living in the same hotel. "And so ye come from Australia, dae ye V' said the Scotsman interestedly, as the pair were talking in the lounge one day. "Well. I'm sure ye must come across a lot o' my countrymen there!" "Oh, yes," said the gentleman from Sydney shyly, "but, of course, the real curse of our country is rabbits."

A big golfing match was in progress, and the colonel had just made a splendid drive. A crowd of gaping onlookers were following it up, when suddenly a strapping young yokel among them sprinted forward and, finding the ball, brought it back, flushed . and triumphant. "You ain't bust, it, mister," he said to the colonel; '"It it 'ardor next time." The! colonel's retort will never be printed. A lady had had a great deal of trouble with one of her maida, who was continually breaking some article of value. She had tried remedies without number,, but' there was no improvement, so hoping id. get some help from the transgressor, $»» said to her one day: "Do you know, Edit"* you have broken more china this xnontH ,p than your wages amount tot ' How c«* you prevent this?" "I don t know* mum, answered the ■ girl i«*geoooi»«f ponies® raise pa