SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18571, 1 December 1923, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

A, MATCH FOE THE MAJOH.

The major was extremely peppery, and as he was doing his level best to win the club's summer medal, he was very annoyed when at one hole he was kept waiting for a few minutes by a woman who sauntered carelessly down the fairway with a baby in her arms. "Come away, madam," he called out testily. " Hurry up with that baby of yours." The woman glared at him indignantly. " Baby yourself," she snapped, " playing with that little ball, and in those ridiculous short trousers, too!"

THE OLD LADY'S MISTAKE. Seeing a tremendous crowd round the gates of Buckingham Palace, the old lady pushed her way determinedly into the centre of it to see what was happening. At last, rather breathless, she found herself in'front of a police officer guarding one of the smaller gates. "What is happening, please officer?" she asked. " Chilian mission," snapped the overworked constable, irritably. " A shillin* admission," repeated the old lady scornfully, " and here's me only come away with ninepence this morning."

OBVIOUSLY WRONG. The old Irishman was sitting in his front garden endeavouring to light his pipe. Ho would light match after match, and pull and pull at his pipe, but the latter would not draw. This performance he continued until the ground around him was strewn with burnt matches. At last his wife called him in to dinner. Faith an* "Oi twill in, a minutae, Biddy," he said. " Moike has been tellin' me that if Oi smoked a bit av ghlass Oi cud see the shpots on the sun. Oi dun know whether Moike's been foolin' me or whether Oi've got hold av the wrong kind of ghlass."

WHAT SHE WANTED. ] Miriam had already had two helpings of j chicken, and now she demanded a third. "No, dear," said her mother, firmly, , "you can't have &ny more. You've had . quite -as much as is good for you. . But here is the wishbone. • You shall ,pull it with me then whichever of us gets the i longest end will have her wish come true." i This ceremony was duly performed, and ] at the conclusion Miriam triumphantly , waved the longer end. ( "Why, how nice!"" exclaimed her , mother. "You will have your wish, dear. Tell mother what it was.' "I wished for more chicken," answered , Miriam, passing her plate. ' . ' ] — . i AN UNFORTUNATE OCCURRENCE. 1 "Misery!" cried the editor. " What is wrong now queried the chief sub, who had just entered. < " Alas said the editor, "a poet wa3 i here but a few minutes since, and he in- ( sisted on reading me an epic on Cheer- -• less Winter. I was in despair. There 1 was but one thing for it. I—l threw him i and his epic out of tho window." "Oh, I say, but—" " The worst is to tell. He had on him one of our accident insurance coupons, and his wife has just .presented it at the cashier's desk and obtained £100, whereas 10 shillings would have bought not only his poem, but his everlasting gratitude. Oh, misery I". NO REASON FOR IT. He was a sturdy middle-aged man, and he had come to consult the Harley Street specialist as to how he could live to be a hundred. The specialist examined him thoroughly, and found) him to be constitutionally sound. He started to put a few questions to the man. "I>o you drink much he inquired. "lam a teetotaller," was the reply. ' " Are you a heavy smoker " I don't smoke at all," aaid the man. " —er, are you greatly interested in the opposite sex quietly put in the specialist. "No," snapped the other, "I'm a woman hater." • ; |7'v '"Great Scott!" burst out the specialist, "then what the deuce do you want to live to a hundred for?" THE OBVIOUS DIAGNOSIS; He lay by the roadside, groaning and writhing with pain. ' A policeman, hearing the groans, hastened toward him.. But all he could get from the sufferer was this :—. "I ate.one, too— ate one, too!" The policeman was puzzled, but not for long. " Poison !" was his diagnosis. Poison cases, the policeman remembered, need immediate treatment, and poisons have antidotes. Hastily, he ..procured what he believed to be a suitable antidote. Then he administered it. ; ' ,! >,' The result was astonishing. ■ • Like a rocket, the recipient sat up f and demanded the reason for such treatment. On being told, he only became ; ■ more angry. ■ '•■.'%■'■ ■'■■'--■■■'':■■*"■■•.?■ :'.V-« r .>|v" "What did I eat?" he yelled." "Why, you idiot, 1-812 is the' number.of the car that knocked me down!" ' - THE NEW MEMBER. . Ha had been elected' member for" his native county, and had come up to the Metropolis to take his seat in the House: He was a modest, retiring individual, and felt quite overawed as he stood "diffidently in the lobby among a throng of the ordin- ; ary members. ■ ••"' -"* " Well, Mr. -," said one of the legislators near him. " and - what are your impressions of the House ?''.%:'. - > ' ; • "To tell yon the truth," , replied the new member in some . "I wonder how I got here!" 1 ■'"*" \{: " ;.., / •". -:■'.,■!■'? A week after he made a speech which astonished them, ' and J \ the same member button-holed him again after the debute. " What are your impressions of the Houne now was the question. ■ Getting to know us. eh ?" " Yes," quietly replied Mr. , " and now I wonder how you all got here!"