CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18547, 3 November 1923, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

. A REAL BOYS'WEEK.

;.f SHORT STORIES. 4K> — | ;' DOCTOR'S ORDERS. v i In- an' out-of-the-way village in Scotland a man entered. one of the mourners' carriages at a funeral. Opposite him was another,. ' Wan, he did not recognise. Leaning forward, the newcomer said. " Ye'll be a brither.o' the corpse? ". . ; . ' " Naw," replied 'the other. '" . A minute 'later the man remarked, "Maybe, ye'll be a cousin o' the' corpse? " "Naw," came the answer., •'•_,. : "Ye'll be a friend then?" suggested the man. , ; , .- ; '■■■ ,-■■■■ " Naw," said the man emphatically. " I'm nae relation, but I ,'hinna been vena weel, an' the doohtor ordered me to tak' kerridgc rides!" . . , . , A WARNING SCORNED. Father and mother were giving a little dinner party and by special dispensation Willie, the son and heir. was allowed to participate; The' youngster behaved himself admirably while fh9 first course was in progress, but when the salmon was served he suddenly observed in a loud whisper. " I say. father . . ." "Little boys should be seen and not heard," interrupted the host severely. "You know, young man, you were allowed to be here only on condition that you behaved yourself." When five minutes had passed father relented. He turned to his son.and said: " Now Willie, perhaps the company will be pleased to listen, to what you were about to say." "It doesn't matter now, sir," said Willie with a grin, " you've eaten it." "MISS AMERICA. She was the most youthful member of a family of. Americans who. 'liave just returned home after " seeing London and "doing Europe." Having passed most of the tests of precocity, she was put by her astonished English host, through a Scriptural, knowledge examination. " Do you know , the Lord's Prayer?" he asked. . A ■ "Yep," came the answer promptly. "All of it?" " Sure." '.' Can you repeat the Creed " Reckon I can." "Every word of it?" » " Yep." ' . \ • : " Do you know the Catechism,from beginning to end ! \ " Dash it all!" exclaimed the cxas perated juvenile. . . "Give us ..a - chance. I'm only seven!" ROMANCE. It was 'one- of those evenings when romance seems to hold the world in a light, but firm, grip. Outside the leaves which but now had stood out so fresh and green, touched by the magic hand of spring, were turning to red and russet shades of gold. There was a touch of frost in the air, and inside the drawing-room a fire was burning brightly in the grate. On the ottoman Phyllis was reclining, her dainty toes stretched out to the blaze, her eyes, now blue, now an iridescent grey in the flickering firelight." Kneeling by. her side, one ; could vaguely discern the figure of the adoring Algernon.' " Darling," he whispered—" darling, will you marry me? " Yes," she replied dreamily—" yes; we have no bananas 1 to-day ",

. • «fc —- '- BY'ABAD' LADB. .'-.;', ' •'» . ■ » 1. - . f . ; ■■■■[' ■'•'■ Such int'rest has been taken in the Auckland, lads this week. - ;..,'.],' '. j'j'v, . That p'r'aps for once you'll listen ; and won't say its like our cheek, When fellows try to tell you just the way things should be done •.-.' » ■' If grown-up people want* to give us seven days of fun. , . : ' . •■,•.*■ ' 2. t '.\ ■■',■■■-:'.■■ , 2. . ' .' , It's fine .to have one's elders take one . round on motor rides, ,' .'.'" " And taking dad to church perhaps, lias got its hum'rous sides,. .., .. \, '.■ ■■'. ;".■',"- . The speeches were ' a , little dull, though "hobby ijdiiy'.' was/right •:, \ ■ And certainly it gave us,joy' to keep Pop home one night. "'< • ■ "■'•' • f: ■ •■ ' •■ ■ : < -" : ■• '. i ' ■ •'' ' But say! the old Rotarians fell' down right at the start, . ■ • ' .'■ : • ' .' .;<! To make a real " Boys' Week" you've surely got to " have a heart " V. -. And let the fellows'off' from school to make a proper spree. '~"•..' . .: ■ ■■ , .. With picture shows and -wireless gets and trams and ices free. '.. y :■.■■' . ''■:, ■ .. ; ■ ' ;■ : ; ; 4V.-;';; : ; : \'/-"7' ; - And hold it in the summer when a chap, if he's . inclined '? : '• ' - .<, ',■■■' Can take his red arid "gentles "and just leave the world behind • While down the wharf ; lie fishes silver piper half the day '' ""., ; /'' Or has a dip Shelly Beach to wile, the hours away. ? .;' ~.■'" ' .' '. . . • '.: '.''. ; '■'. 5. 1 ;■• -" '*■■ We've heard the notion ' started down in little old New ..York, . ' ; . -' But Yankee ways are not our t ways and •; mostly end in i talk. r • '■} r .' u ' A boy's allowed to be the Mayor or Magistrate a spell, ' ■?•'■■ >' ■/>• '. A ■» p.iiM-a print his photo just■ "to make his noddle swell. . '. ; , •' ..:.:. ' ■; ■ ■ ■ 6. ; '; : .'. ]''.' '■'; " Our elders mean it kindly, "we appreciate the thought, , ; '*■• r -'' -■■■ ; And being starred " .for seven days is . '.' high jinks ''.of a sort', "•■'■■' } But how they could 'improve'."it if they'd .-">".* i "lirteii in" with care , ;,'..,'/* ," '■:■.', When; we "broadcast"" our -notions ■ of the right and proper, fare. -. ;.' " 7. i 'Tis said 'that "' e.veiy 'addie loves his own dear daddy best". ;,'-,■ .!: But we're inclined to think you've rather put this to the test, -, % ; v 7 ■" By placing , a misnomer on a rather cheer- , less week •_ '."■.' •.'■••■—:", But what's the use. I know , you'll say "Jest like that youngster's check. ,

; ; odds; AND ENDS. ■••■•: i - I—:♦1 —:♦ r~—. — ' "Jack's got a new syren for .his car." "Really. 'What became of the blonde one?" * " ' -' " - Judge: " What were 'drinking that night? - ' Prisoner: 'Beer with gin in it. Hhye you ever fried it, guv'nor?'"' Judge : ■•"No, but, I've tried many people who ha ire." -. ~ . . Magistrate, (sternly): "Did I not tell you that I never wanted you to come before rrio 'again ?" Delinquent: "Yes, sir; but I could not get the officer to believe it." "-• * ' '*.'.'. "Well,' .Mrs. Parker, did you see the Prince?" -"I did. my dear. "See'd 'ini and spoke to ,'ixa an' all," "You spoke to- 'im! .How r was that?" "As 'e was going into the station, I calls out, 'Good ole Prince.' " The Vicar : "How did you like my sermon, Mrs. Cuteleigh?" Mrs. Cuteleigh : "It was splendid, Mr. Prigsleigh ! It was always ray favourite sermon since I was a little girl. And I think that by omitting that long bit in the middle it was greafly improved."

Magistrate: "'What mad? you pick this man's pocket?" Culprit : "Your honour, I never picked it. It just happened to be next." The Judge: "Now are you sure you understand the nature of an oath?" The youth (scared stiff) : "Sine, ain't. I yer caddy down at the links?" '-.-'■-• »' \ :' •. : - •'•■. •'■■■■■■•'.- c ■ /,*-,*' Mr." Henpeck: -Now,: look there;' 1 ; I refuse to do as you sky in this 'matter..Ml have you know that no woman ever, made a fool of -mi. His Wife: Who did i* then? "Yer .know, I'm, armenic, Mrs. Harris." " •.Lor,; Mrs. Green, I thought you'was British!" "Ah! yer*, don't understand, dearie; it means I ain't got no blood in me." • ' : Mistress: ; "What is your name?" Maid:. " Miss Jenkins.'': Mistress: /' But you don't' expect me to call you Miss Jenkins?" Maid: "Oh, no'! Not if, you've got. an alarm clock." ..-.. "Betty, have you been dbiiig : anything to this '.?"•' "I've only put some water in it, mummy, to make it write weak. I've writing to daddy and I wanted to whisper something to him!" . '..''• ■;■ • . 1 '-'" V "•* ~ '. '■: •.'-- Grass Widower: " I say, Jim, how many kippers ,did .we 1 leave in the larder last night for. breakfast?" Friend:," Two, of course." t Grass _ Widower: :._ "Well, the cat's got away with yours.", „ Cashier: "Bui. madam, you will have to be identified before I can cash this cheque for ; you!" Fair Caller (blushing furiously) : ; " Oh,, I just a hate to do it, and George would •be -dreadfully angry, but I have a love-letter here which describes me fully,, if you would care to see it." ' ";■ ■•/• .* ', - ' *''.',,;•

"Ma'am, there's a'man at.the door with a parcel for. you. < "What is it. Bridget?" ■ ''It's a fish, ma'am, and its marked 0. 0. D." "Then make the man take.it back. • I ordered, trout." Desperate Suitor : "I'll give • you a sixpence, Trimmv, if : you'll tret.me,a lock of your sister's hair." Small Brother: "Make it a shilling, and I'll get you whole bunch.' ' I know where she han«rs it. :A party of .tourists.; were : looking 'at Vesuvius'in 'full eruption. ■ ..Am ttl is just like. Hades?" ; exclaimed M Amencan- ■ ".Ab- the Americans. ■ said a ♦Frenchman. standing by.. "Where have they, not been V, . ; '• .. ' Native '• "Yes. n, good many invalid come beVe-TlieV don't staying, though.' fie'entlwarriWd - .Invalid : ' they dot, t? iJo to some -higher, altitude, -perhaps? ; Native : "Well, thau depends on the sort . of life they've led."