ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18333, 24 February 1923, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Willie : "Pa. what is a burning shame?'' Mother: "That tobacco your father is lunoking-' _____ i-' Father: "My boy, haven't I always touted tou "with kindness?" Son: "Yes, unremitting kindness!" Bashful Suitor: "Darling, er— are ' the breath of my existence." She: "Have you ever tried holding. your breath?" Mftudie: "What's wrong with the car? Tt Squeaks dreadfully." Jimmie : "Can't fce helped ; there's pig iron in the axles. She: "The doctor savs I should pro South *f° r m . v health. The question is where to B°'" He: "Go to another doctor!" • J Mother : "Tommy, slip upstairs quietly and flee if P«P a ii? asleep." , Tommy (returning): "Yes, mamma; hes all asleep but his nose " Tack' "I see the hotel at this resort advertises a , beautiful gorge." Jim : "'What of it? Jack: "I -wonder if that mean's a ravine, or a lot to eat?" History Lecturer: "Can any of you tell me what maktfs the Tower of Pisa lean?" Stout Student: "I don't know, or I would * lake some rnysdf." Josephine (reading aloud conclusion of long letter*) " Then I will come home and marry the sweetest little girl on earth." -lift: "What a dirty trick! After being- engaged to you!" •' May I make a confidant of you?" "Why, certainly!" "Well, I'm hard up, and I want twenty pounds." You can trust me: I'm as silent as the grave. I won't say a word." The Wife: "I see by to-night's paper that Paris says women are going to wear their dresses longer." The Husband: "It's a good thing. You never wear a dress over a month." Mother: " You must always say Thank you' when you are given a piece of cake, fthy should you say 'Thank you'?" Johnny: " Because you're more likely to get another piece ii you do." it Auntie: So you took your first dancing lesson to-day. Did you find it hard, dear?" Small Nephew: " No, auntie ; It's essy enough. All you have to do is fe keep turn in" round and wipin' your f<»fc." Mrs. Jackson: "Tell' me, dear, your . /eal reason for giving up drink Husband : "Well, it was like this. The last time I came home late your mother was here. I saw two, of her. The shock cured me." Mother (in tramcar) : "Bobby, why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for a strap' Bobby (cheerily) : "Not in a tram; but it does at home." Artist: "My next picture at the academy will be entitled, 'Driven to Drink.' " His friend: "Ah; some powerful portrayal of baffled passion, I suppose?"' "Oh, no; a cab-horse approaching a ■water-trough I" A negro went fishing. He hooked a big catfish, which pulled him overboard. As he crawled back into the boat, he said, philosophically, "What I wanna know is dis: Is disniggah fishin', or is dig fiish niggerin' V* . v ~ *7:' Gentleman (at an evening entertainment): "Pardon me, sir, lrat> am I not! addressing the Duke of Wvnn Wylys?" I Gentleman addressed (drawing himself up with hauteur): " Sir, I am the head waiter." ' Two Scotsmen boarded a bus and sat down opposite a pretty girl whose charms impressed them at once. "I'm sure I know her," said the first. "His friend was excited. "You know her! Then introduce me." "Sh!" was the reply. "Wait until she's paid her fare." At the golf club the other Sunday morning one of the members turned up late. Asked why, he said it was really a toss-up whether he should come there that morning or go to church. "And I had to toss up fifteen times," he added.