Yuletide Catches

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18278, 20 December 1922, Page 6 (Supplement)

Yuletide Catches

What is that of whi, h tho common sort is the best?-Sense.

Why should a perfumer be a good editor'?—lnvause he is accustomed to make ehvaut exf.atts.

Why is a man like a ..teen gooseberry 1 —Becauso a woman en make a fool of him.

What do lawyers do wh.cn they die?— Lie still.

What i? tl.e iiiiTorriifO h.'twreii a spendthrift a:;d :i pillow'.—One if hard up ami the other soft down.

Which is tit- :ii'>s! m«vak musical instniir.cnt? —An uprL-ht i iano. What, nr.isic.il instrument is the most untrue': —The Iy:v.

How did they illuminate the Ark --With an- lights.

Three shakes were < uwl:!;!; around in a circle: No. 3 so:/..* N". ?■ ami to swallow him. ami at the same lime .No. 2 be-ins to pwuMow No. I. ami No. 1 begins to sw,;i-w No. 3. what do they becomo '.' — Swallow s.

Whv i? r:.!>id a poor m;'ik-.:r,an?—He is always making Mis. (misses). What venomous serpent a' ides in the self.>t..:ico:u ■ ■ ii:< a'iiict.

Whv ian'l re ;=.:' :- soldiers * : i down*— Because they r.v to the standing army.

}}. ~ ; : 1, : i ; ;-. 5 !:;:? a hoc"—A ho.:s hoa.i IHii.

What iat the difference between a man and a camel?—A camel can work eight days without drinking and a man can drink eight days without working.

What is thieving in the outskirts?— Picking ladies' pockets.

Why mav carpenter* reasonably believe there'is no" such tiling as stone?— Because thev never saw it.

Whv is a tui can tied to a drag's tail like dsvbroak.' —Be< ause it is bound to occur—(a cur').

How cm v.j;' ?•■'! the age of a hen— By the teeth. [Your own of course).

Name the first lady of the land? —Eve. What is the most striking thing in the wav of mantel ornaments? —A ciock. What arc pugilists' favourite colours? — Black and blue/

Whv do--s a minister say " Dearly beloved brethren'' instead of sisters?— Because the brethren embrace the sisters.

When aro. teeth like verbs?— When they are regular, irregular and defective.

What pait of London is in France? — The Jetter n.

Tn what numerical order did Adam leave the Ark—Ho came forth (fourth).

When -was meat first introduced into tV.o navy?— When Noah took Ham into the Ark.'

What is the best form for a soldier?— A Uniterm.

Why was " Uncle Tom's Cabin" never written by the hand of a woman?— Because it was written by Harriet Bcecher' —S'towe (toe).

What do you put upon the table, cut but never eat'.'—A pack of. cards.

What did the Egyptians do when t icy found themselves in the dark .— J hey turned on the Israe-lites.

Wliv is the palate of the mouth like a objected man?— Because they are both down in the mouth.

What class of women give tone to societv?—The belles. \vi ,- nrr. t-.i!'"-t people always Hie ~rici?VßUte they are longer in bed th'in others. W hv is a watch like a nvcr'-Because it won't imi long without winding. ~,, ,i,,, potest runner in the he was first in the human ra■ e. What is the latest room in the world? _lh(. room for impiovement.

d-,., in tin- summer, ana O s, roots upwardsV-An icicle. ,r ( ... lol) „ did Cain hate his brother.— As'toils us he was Abel. , When will water stop running down HlV'-Wte" it gets to the bottom ■ 4 vhv is a drawn tooth Hfee.ath,«g for- .;,, v„k i s out of the head. When i« a das. in any form an hour it is oar glass. XV h , t i< ,!,- diliVicir.o l*tweei. a »nn u nal ,fc "' , ..,, looking up.— '!;•>• going uprta-is iji" ' , otlK ., 51 ..... a stepping u l' ,hc uo the stvys.

Whv is a stick of candy like a racehorse *—Because the more you hek it the faster it goes.

When is a ivlwol hoy like a. postagesla,,,,, '-When he is licked and put in a corner to make him stick to his letters.

What is tho difference between an enginedriver and a schoolmaster .—One 'minds the train and the other trains the mind.

Why is a Uiss like a rumour?— Because it coos from mouth to mouth. What shaio is a kiss!— Elliptical (a Hp tickio)

\Yir>t f;i*toi:s <»'o |H>oplp together yet touches only om«?—The wedding ring.

What confection did they have in the Ark:—rreserved poars.

What i- the difference between forms ami ceremonies':'—You sit upon ono and stand on tho other.

What woid contains the five vowels in order:-—Facetious.

Whv is " 1" the luckiest of tho vowels? —Hix-iu'«H» it is the mitre of bliss, while •■ K" is in hell, and all the others arc 111 purgatory. Whv are birds so melancholy in tho morning':— Because their little bills are all o\ er-due.

What is n button'—A small event that is always coining off.

Why is a shoeblack liko an editor?— IWause hi' polishes the understanding of his patrons.

\Yh:it is llio longest word in the InnSiniit's. Wvause there is a mile Cetween the first and last letter.

Whv are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old':—Because having eyes they see not, and having ears they hear not.

Which is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard!—A pis, because he is killed and then cured.

Why is a fishmonger never generous?— Because his business makes him sell-fish.

Why are fatigued persons like a waggon wheel"? —Because they are always tired. Whv is a baker a most improvident person ?—Because he is continually selling what he kneads himself.

When did Moses sleep five in a bed?— When he slept with his fore-fathers.

How do young ladies show their dislike to moustaches!—By setting their faces aeainst them.

Why is a doe bitinsr his own tail like a jood "financier ': —Because ho makes both ends meet.

Which travels slower, heat or cold? — Cold, for you can catch it.

Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? —Becauso she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, and has a train following her.

What are the most unsociable things in the world?— Mile stones, for you never

see two of them together.

Why are clouds like coachmen? —Because they hold the rains (reins).

Why is a fisherman's the most lucrative employment:—lt is all net profit.

Which is the most cheerful joint for Christmas? —A turkey; it always has a merry thought.

When does a Christmas plum pudding wish it had been wiser ?—When it knows it has been well done.

When is a mince pie like a barometer ? —When it goes down quickly.

Why is a goose a very credulous bird ? —Because it raises no objection to being " stuffed."

In what respect does a linen draper' 3 domestic architecture differ from that of other tradespeople? —The yards are kept in the shop.

Why does time fly in the theatre?— Because the conductor beats it.

What is always hot in winter? —Mustard.

Why is a watch never thirsty? —Because it lias a spring in it. Why is a jest like a fowl?— Because it contains a merry-thought.

Why should turtles be pitied ?—Because theirs is a hard case.

YOUR AGE? -«e». At 7, ho swelled visibly when folks said ho looked at least 10. At 17. he pnmpadoured his hair, gloried in his long trousers, and s;iid he was 20. At 27 he grew a moustache, so lie would be taken for 30. At 37. he combed his hair so the bald spot and the grey hair over his temple did not show. At 47, he knew lie had to buy his kisses.—but he had the money to pay, so why worry ? At 57, lie sad proudly that most people took linn for 50. At 67. he no longer mentioned his age, but boasted of his early exploits. At 77, he made o:casion to tell everyone, with pride, how old he was. At 87. he earned he was 90, and tried to outdo ike oiln-r old men he knew in tales of his past prowess.