Christmas Crackers

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18278, 20 December 1922, Page 3 (Supplement)

Christmas Crackers

Bluebeard, for vou approaches fast a dread time: I rather fancy it is your b'head time! Traveller (at very remote station) : "Have yon a 'Sporting Life'?" Bookstall Clerk : "No—not very." Lillian: " Jack Rapide is a perfect bear!" . Rose: " Has ho been hugging you too.' First Moth: 'What is your favourite selection '(" __ Second Moth : " 'My Little Grey Homo in the Vest.'

Tapa : "But, hang it, girl, that fellow earns onlv £3 a week." Daughter: "Yes; but, daddy dear—a week passes so quickly when you're fond of one another."

The New Acquaintance: "Darling, believe me, I'm vour devoted slave." The Girl : "Really? You seem to indulge in an unusual amount of freedom for a slave."

Charlie : "What are you fishing in this stream for, Billy?" Billy: "Why, I wanf; to get a fish like father caught hero list year; it grows a couple of inches every time he talks about it."

"Mary," said the sick man to his wife, when the doctor had pronounced "it to bo | a case of 'flu, " if any of my creditors , call, tell them that 1 am at last fa a position to give them something."

Bibliophile (aghast) : "I beg your pardon, madam, but that book your little girl is playing with is an old and rare first edition !"

Caller: ft Oh. that's all right, Mr. Vibert. It will amuse her an much as if it were new."

The wife of a man who had enlisted in the Navy handed the pastor of a church the following note :—"Peter Bowers having gone to sea, hie wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. ' The minister glanced over it hurriedly and announced -.—"Peter Bowers, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Visitor : "And what has your daughter decided to call baby, Mrs. Mugg," Mrs. Mugg : "Harold, Miss ; it's a scriptural name. iFn't it?" 'Visitor: "A scriptural name? I don't think so." Mrs. Mugg : "I'm sure it is. Doesn't is say somewhere 'Hark the Harold angels sing.* "

She (sentimentally): "What would you do, darling, if 1 were to die?" He (matter-of-fact): " I'm afraid I should have to bury you, darling."

Flora "What is the next best thing to marrying your ideal?" Dora: "Marrying sonve other girl's, I suppose."

Prospective Bridegroom (in furniture shop): " These prices make me give up all thoughts of marriage. I now realise it'll be cheaper to let her sue me for breach of promise."

Chairman: " Don't you think, gentlemen, in view of the high cost of living, we ought to increase our vicar's salary?" Vestryman: "That's all right. But don't pay him overtime on his sermons."

They were showing him the baby. "Yes, of course!" murmured the simple fellow, " And—er—how old is it?" " Exactly three months to-morrow, chirped the ecstatic mother. " Oh—haw—ves—or—the youngest, i suppose?" he stammered.

Cook: " Look how that table, has been set for the Christmas dinner! Kitchenmaid : " What's the matter with " The angel cake side by side with the devilled ham."

From the Scotsman: " Hero is a letter it would hardly do for us to publish, said the patent medicine quack. A man writes: 'I have just token the dibt bottle of your medicine.' " "Well?" said his partner. . " There it breaks off short, and is signed in another handwriting, 'Per Executor.' "

P.[|;afrC»A nVBS A fashion column is headcrl « *{jfjj§s«', in Leather." -A newly wejl husbanit ft that's just how his wifo'serveS^uOg^/ Mario: "What did yOU^FflyvtfOrt^igM when ho found you under the- iJ}j»M<isg&3 with vour other boy'f'i , { :*, „,-£; Mary: "I just told/liim l£Uj& Jg J,.;/- -.;vr guiSt^Mi Faihcr : "So you wdro Playing *f%f|* last night? Haven't I 'toia'Tofl'TO ffifj again to have nothing tb «o of chance?" t moVt .-.tjtu jTftK Son : "It wasn't a had no chance from •}„ tifo »c' htuoa IdSJpti Husband : " I thought -.vtoifosd aSWjo to practice economy for a jJTis:^krfbßJ&# Wife: "So wo did. I went Ooft-n fcrra countermanded the order yoa tailor for a suit, and bough|r[.j% h.d fc qsSsfe co.'it only hall the amount." ew "^yajsaj " Don't you want to on ITiC sands of time?" asked t^iajljß&Jggl " No," answered the young J"s]}r>s||l=a was ambitious, but lazy. "I d, pHStef* leave tyro tracks." >sd *> f«?

"It is possible to have too llu i c luQO»X good thing," remarked the 1 , - n > lo |^- ( *2#i "Yes." agreed the mere man; with the shortest tail runs danger of having tin cans tied to il&S^^§

"Christmas parcels are all right!" Said Jones, one of the stampers;. But when the contents all f;d.l out, Tiiat's just where Christmas "hampers I"

"Do you believe that the good die young?" "I think they do, if all my wife tells me about her first husband is time."

"Why ia your wife so jealous of your typist?" Well, you see, mj wifo used to bo my typist!"

Eminent Professor: "I can't get on at all at this game." Caddie- "No, you want a head for golf!"

The man in the next flat was pounding on trie wall. "Look here." ho cried, I can't sleep with your kid yel'ing like that. If you don't make him stop, I will." "Come in, sir—come in !" said the baby's father. "You'll be as welcome as coal at Christmas!"

A wrestling contest was in progress between two ponderous colliers for three pounds a-side. After some minutes one of the contestants turned to his chief supporter and said, in a stage whisper : "Get another dollar on, Sam; Ah've broken his finger."

"Oh, Mr. Flipperly." she. exclaimed, soulfully, "have you ever felt a dim, uneasy sense of oppression as if the more weight of life were a burden too heavy to be borne by the chained spirit panting with psychic longing to be free?" "I invariably have such a feeling at Christmas-time*" was the callous response; "but hitherto I have attributed it to the pudding!"

A girl was complaining to her chum just beforo Christmas of the way her " young man " was treating her. " Speaking of Christmas; why don't you gi\e him the mitten. tna friend asked. , t ''It isn't- a mitten he need*. _it 3 a pair of sucks; he's gut cold feet.

»A,-c vou going to pay any at en ion to tlie.se epithets that are being hurled at you?" the secretary of the rising politician askod. "Yes indeed," answered las employer. "I'm having them all carefully copied and filed away. I may need them when it comes to ruy turn to call names.

Two men had argued about politics until at length they had come to blows. "Sir," said one with dignity 'you have called me a knave and a fool, you have broken my spectacles, you have cut my lip. I hope you will not rouso the sleeping lion in my breast, for if you should, I cannot tell what may be the consequences."

The children of the neigh bom-hood had been greatly interested by the news of the arrival of a baby at the Xewcombes. One of them, meeting little Jonathan Newcombe carrying some milk very carefully, asked: — "What is vour new brother's name! "They haven't found out yet," replied Jonathan. "He can't talk,"