Summer Smiles

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18278, 20 December 1922, Page 3 (Supplement)

Summer Smiles

NO SOFTNESS 1

When >ou see a pretty girl with her throat bare, on a cold day, it doesn't mean thai she is courting pneumonia— it means that she has hardened herself into .v pneumonia proof condition. Tin:'' was one a man who, to harden his son, used to tako him camping m the depths of winter. Tins man, one bitter night, noticed tha< his son bad made himself a huge, snowball for a pillow. He at once kicked tho snowball out from under his sou'j bead.

" 2\'o effeminacy, boy," he said.

LIVING UP TO HIS NAME.

A wearied parent promenading the bedroom floor at an unearthly hour of the night with die baby in bis arms, waa making vain endeavours to soothe tho infant's < rns.

••It M't:i:< to me that yon knew what you were about." ho said to his wife, '•'when vou insisted on tho child being called ilnji.' "

"What has bis name to do with bis fretfu'noss?" asked the unsuspicious wife sleepily. "Kveiything."' replied the -wretched man. "You would call him 'Hugh,'you know, and where there's a hue there's a crv '."

And for tho n<\\t two hours tho child a-.d his level best to live up to his name.

DIDN'T MATTER. The night watchman of a largo hotel saw an apparitiuii in white moving along the hall at i"" a.m. He hastened his steps, and tapped on the shoulder what proved to a man. •' Here what are you doing out here? asked the watchman. The man opened his eyes and seemed to come out of a trance. " I beg your pardon," he said, " I am a somnambulist." ••Well." said the watchman, "you can't walk around these halts in the middle of the night in your nightshirt, no matter what yuur religion is." A WORRYING THOUGHT. "Please, bir. give me a calendar," said the small boy, over the counter. "We don't give calendars to children, replied the man. "W'v not :" "Ob! because children haven t any use for them." , "That's all you know. I "want it bad. I've laid awake three nights a-wonrying.' "Humph? What is it you want to know?" T want to find out how many mora Chriftmusses is goia' to be spoiled by conihf on Sunday. WHERE IT HiIPPENED. During the Christmas dinner a young Frenchman was seated next to a. finelooking young woman who was wearing a gown wbvA displayed her beautiful arms. . , ~ " I came near not being here to-night, aaid she. " I was vacciuated a few days ago and it gives me considerable annoyance." The voung foreigner gazed at the white arms of the speaker. "Is that so . he replied. " Where were you vaccinated ? ' 3 1 The girl smiled demurely and said: " In Boston "

NO ANSWER. " Please answer that question/' the law.fr Miid. ~ ~,., •'Why don't you answer the que* "'•'idid answer/' was the retort of the injured witness. "1 shcttk my » ad- ■• YW assented the quick-witted ■>• tori:Py for the defence. " I i^ ll "' '* rattle, and m, did the Court reports but he doesn't know whether you shook it up a nil down or tidewise. NO OHARGE. •■Morrv Christmas, sii !" J->« vo-i.wt.-r. cheerfu'ly, to the old gen - innn who was walking along a quiet *ubman's face grew thoughtful when h , ~,, t h a t lus well-wisher handled a biz s-nowball. while a pile of uy amunition lav at his feet, -What arc you going to do with those?" he asked. , "I-ju trying to sell 'cm, replied *"'\Vhy. that's a strange idea! How mu. ii aie v.ui fharein.' '■' . -Shi 1,,-m the lot," retorted the business liki voungstt-r. "An them as clon t 'eiu gets 'cm tor nothing !"

EXAMPLE. A maiden passed with silken hose Well suited for display; The spinster puckered up her nose And turned her head away. T1»0 ) maiden went her way content, The men all stopped to stare; -the spins'!er saw, and then she went And bought herself a pair. REALISM. It was tho Christmas party, and all tho usual games having been played, eomo of the children disappeared on their own. Littlo Charlie came back ac last with i-» I'otbes full of holes. "Wha! in the world has happened to yoit?" cried his mother. "Oh, we've been playing grocery store, ami everybody whs something to sell,'' replied Charley. "I was the cheese- ' HE COULD USE IT. They bad started quite amicably discussing Christmas presents, but by the time they came down to the question of what they should give each other, Mr. and Mrs. Brown were getting a littlo peeved.

"A man should give his wife something for Christmas that she wouldn't buy for herself." asserted Mrs. Brown. "That's my idea," agreed Mr. Brown, willingly enough. "Well, what are you going to get mo?" "A shotgun '" MISUNDERSTOOD I An author, looking for country types, managed to get into conversation with tiueegamilous women in the bar parlour of a country inn. The l:\lk was uninteresting until the author spoke of husbands. All three women becamo simultaneously concerned. Verv proudly one declared, "Mine's a vann "labourer, mine is," while the second snorted and huffed contemptuously, as she anounccd that her husband was a ploughman. The third -woman gazed absently into the fire. 'Hie author turned to her and said: "And you. mother : what's yours?" Without raising her eyes, she murmured: "Oh, mine's a drop of gin, thank ye very much, sir." NOT TO BE OUTDONE. Thev were big game hunters, and they were 'trotting out their usual stock of •' reminiscences." When each had tolu his best lie, the only member of trie partv who had never been to Africa was asked to tell a story. " Well, I'm afraid I've nothing very exciting to tell you," he piped in a small, still voice. " I cnee had a small affair with a lion escaped from a menagerie. Tie bounded on me as he got clear of his enclosure—and, well, of course, I wasn t armed." ~ '• What on earth did you do '. chorused tho others. "Well," retorted the little man, I just seized his lower jaw with my right hand and his upper jaw with my left i and held his mouth open till he starved.

THE CADDIE'S RETORT. " How are you playing?" a. g'dfer, just back from his round, was asked the other day. " Yon know »ic ; " said the num. "My regular game—a lot of careless work, but now and then a good shot. AI ways there arc some good shots sprinkled through the- day like plums in a puddi"-" , - ir ••Lunimie!" said the mans rudriio. '• I wouldn't want to have to cat that kind of a pudding." MISSING ! One of the host things ever .said lyy s witness to b. counsel was the reply givei to Missing, the barrister, who was at tin time leader of his circuit. He was defending a prisoner with stoa'inu' a donkey. The proseeutoi had left the animal tied to a gate. When he returned it had vanished. Missing was very severe in his ex animation. "Do you mean to say, witness, that the donkey was stolen from the gate?" "I mean to say. sir," giving the Judg< and juiy a sly look, "the ass was mis sing."