SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18197, 16 September 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

ALL DOWN HILL. A rich man, lying on his death bed, called his chauffeur who had been in his service for years, and said : " Ali, Sykes, 1 am going on a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me. 4(^ Vell » sir >" consoled the chauffeur. There's one comfort. It's all down hill." HE SOLD THE PANTS. Persistency in inserting the same advertisement, with no change of wording or illustration, is a trait of some advertisers. A prospective customer wrote to a firm whoso advertisement nover seemed to change: "Have noted your picture of one pair corduroy pants in The Eagle for past lour months. More I see of them better I hke them. If not sold as yet, please enter my order for same." TIP FROM LORD ROSEBERY. A story is narrated of one of Lord Roselory's visits to the East £nd of London. While passing through a great establish- : inent several of the employees, whoso knowicugo o: the distinguished guest chiefly centred in him as the owner of a good horse, communicated to one of the company their wish that Lord Rosebery would do them a favour. " What was it thev wanted—a speech? " suggested the gentfenian approached. " A speech ! JS'o! Speech be hanged ! " said the men ; " we want a tip for the Liverpool Cup! " *' CONCERTINA " CHEST. A Dublin physician, attended by a number of medical students, was making the round of his ward, and ho stopped beside a bed whereupon lay a man with a verv prominent chest. The physician, having elicited from the sick man the fact that ho was in the habit of playing a wind instrument, went on: " Yes, yes; all that puffing and straining is most prejudicial to the lungs, most prejudicial." " What wind instrument used you to play? " he asked, addressing the patient. I To the huge delight of the students, the patient replied—" The concertina, sir." > COMPENSATION. An old farmer, dictating his will to a lawyer, said: " I give and bequeath to my wife the sum of £100 a year. Is that writ doon? " "Yes," said the lawyer; "but she is not so old but she may marry again. Won't you make any change in -that case ? Most people do." "Ah,-weel, write again, and say: 'If my wife marry again 1 give and bequeath jto her the sum of £200 a year.' That'll I dae, eh? " " Why, that's just double the sum that, she would have had if she had remained unmarried," said the lawyer. "It is generally the other way." " Ay," said the farmer, " but him that takes her wull weel deserve it."

DISRAELI AND THE CURATE. Mr. Channcey M. Dcpew tells the following story in his " Memories of Eighty Years " : A nephew of Henry Irving had been, by the influence of Disraeli, appointed curate at Windsor. He came one day in great distress to his uncle, and said : " The unexpected has happened. Every one has dropped out, and I have been ordered to preach on Sunday." Irving took hiiff to see Disraeli for advice. Tho Prime Minister said to the young clergy, man: "If you preach thirty minutes Her Majesty will be bored. II you preach fifteen minutes Her Majesty will be dej lighted. If you preach ten minutes Her Majesty will be enchanted."

"But," said the clergyman, "my lord, what can a preacher possibly say in only ten. minutes? "

" That," answered tho statesman, " will/ be a matter of indifference to Her Majesty." , ETIQUETTE OF PRAYER. The Bey. Mr. Gooderiough was the vicar of a parish in the West of England, and highly esteemed by his parishioners as an earnest and hard-working clergyman ; but the worthy man belonged to that school, fortunately getting smaller, who have no friendly feeling towards the Roman Catholic Church. Therefore it can be imagined with what horror Mr. Goodenough heard the news that a yourig parishioner of his, when he went up to Oxford, had gone over to the Church of Rome. , Meeting the young man soon after his return for the vacation, ho expressed his profound sorrow at the news, ending 'up by informing his young friend that not a clay passed over his head without his taking his case to the Throne of Grace and praying that he might be brought to see the error of his ways. The young man thanked him very much for the' kind interest he took in him, and assured him that he had a similar feeling towards him—that every day he prayed earnestly for his conversion to the true church. Back came tho reply from the worthy parson, " How dare you. sir, pray for me. It is just like your impertinence to do such a thing ! "