ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18197, 16 September 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

«♦» . Employer: "Why do vou always pull your barrow, James?" Gardener: "Because I hates the very sight of it," Horace: "Don't you think Maude is a little dear? Boraco: "Yes! The last supper I gave her cost mo three pounds." Teacher (with cane): "Now this will hurt me more than it will hurt you " Willie: "Den let me do the wallopin'!" Cliolly: "Do you think cigarettes weaken the intellect?" Doctor: "Sometimes; hut there is no danger in your case." Little Ikcy: "Father, these shoes hurt mo every step I take! " Moses: "Then take longer steps, my son, and there won't be so many hurts." She (after accepting him): "Have vou ever loved auy other girl?" He: " Certainly. I can bring you half a dozen written testimonials if necessarv." "5 "I wish," she sighed, "that I could see myself as others see me." " Gracious," replied her fond friend, " why aren't you satisfied to let well alone." Crook (to pal): " I've just bin to 'elp a pore bloke who fainted." Pal: "Wot did yer do?" Crook: "Loosened his collar, tie-pin, and watch-chain, to give 'im air." The Youth: "But dearest, whv need we wait till October? " The Cinema Star : " Well, old thing, I'm rather keen on October. You see, I've never been married in the autumn before," Cottage Hunter: "It's very tiny, and I thought there was a most peculiar smell. Is it healthy?" Agent: "It is smallish, madam, but for its size it's quito one of the healthiest on our books."

The Boss: "What fool told you to place those papers on that file? ; ' The Boy: " You did, sir! " The Boss: "Well, leave them here, and take a week's notice for calling mo a fool."

"Father," said the small boy, "-what is a woman's intuition? " His father frowned. " Womau's intuition." he said, " is an instinct which makes her say she's right when she knows she's wrong."

Willie: "What is an idiot, father?" Father: "I can't give you a brief definition, son,, but I can point out to you some fine examples." Mother (with a woman's instinct): " John, you just leave my family alone, and you go to bed, Willie."

A lady -was very astonished to discover one day how well her Irish servant could write.* "Why, Bridget," she said, "I had no idea you could write so nicely," The girl smiled proudly. "Yie, Mum," she said, "me wroitin' has got me mony a place. I wroite all av me own recommendations."

They 3at in the moonlight, and the music of the dance was wafted out to them. The penniless, not-so-very-young bachelor thought he had impressed" the beautiful heiress. "Let's get married," he said with emotion, taking her hind. "But who'd have us?" she laughed.

Dcey: "lam all broke up: business is terrible, and I have lost all my money." Zaocy: "How so?" I- see your sign still out on the second storey." Ikey : " Listen. I put in £1000 worth of fixtures, £2000 new stock, and insuxtid for £5000. Then a salvage company tafois the lower floor and a swimming teacher the floor above me, Oi! Oi!"

American Visitor (to newsboy): " How marvellously cheap newspapers are in London, to be surer! We nave to pay more than double the price in New York." Newsboy (extending his hand): "You can pay double the price now, sir, if it will make you feel any more at home." A butcher's wife called on a neighbour to inquire after her young hopeful, aged four weeks. " The little fellow is getting on splendidly," was the proud mother's reply; " I only wish ho were a little stronger and bigger. Fancy, he onlv weighs seven pounds!" "Ah!" aaid the butcher's wife, "with or without the bones?" " Why, these are not the shoes T ordered! " exclaimed the lady of the house; " thi3 is a pair of expensive French kids. I can't afford such shoes as these." "Beg pardon, madam," said the messenger, respectfully; "but you've opened the wrong package. This pair is Jours. The other was ordered by your ousemaid." A pastor was asked by his £hoir to call upon one of his congregation known AS " old Betty," who was deaf, but who insisted in joining in the solo of the anthem, and to ask her to sing only in the hymns. He shouted into her ear: " Betty, I've been requested to speak to you about vour singing." At last she caught the word, " singing," and roJilied: " Not to me be the praise, sir, t*» a gift."