SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVIII, Issue 17895, 24 September 1921, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

WELL DRUGGED. sliiJ Wafl < summoned to a police soter %, exam ? ne •» unconscious prin j , P r *soner, very muddy and hi™ P n „ y r°^ n b6l ? fc . over and cammed mm, and then, rising, said in a loud a ru,k - He has » bean drugged." rSSf fe"^ B Voice: " *'» afraid ve'ro ** £ m &£ ed aim all the Waya matter of a hundred yards or more."' WHAT THE BROTHER SAW. whV.JT afraid that y° un K Feathexly, J„S on . y°. u so often, is rather a fast young man, said a father to his daughter., th« li»L n K* ,u 6 ' sn >> { ather," remarkei •• v^°* br °, ther ' who was present P-»tK«if. d s y° u about Mr. Featherlv ? demanded the old man. " thlf t y u k TV' the y° un ges(er replied, that I heard him ask sister for a kiss hav fi *2Z!\ l nd **?. told him he could hay 0 one !f he would be quick about it; but it was the slowest kiss I ever B aw." THE SIMPLE LIFE. n^ n n Am<a " l^an SB,l ator recently gave a new .lustration of that fine saying of an anc,ent philosopher, " Man was born for mutual assistance. Mtered lhe SmaU tOWD ?? on can . vou cut m y hair?" he ot the. propiietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a sixpenny novel. Bilf," said the barber, addressing the errand boy run over and tell the editolfaafc. fd like my scissors if he's done eaitin the paper. Gentleman waitin' for a hair-cut. HER HYMN HIJMBER. Dean Inge told a story recently that looks like endangering his reputation for gloominess. He was remarking that the byways as well as the highwavs of Uhurcn life furnish much in the Way of mt and humour. He proceeded to relate the story ox a certain vicar's cook. One evening they allowed her to choose tne hymn for family prayers. When tne ceremony was over, the vicar's wife said to her, ' That was a verv nice hymn you chose this evening, cook ?*" "' Yes, mum," sad the cook, " it's the number of my policeman."

WHEN CROCODILES CLIMB. The fancy shop proprietor had ransacked nis shop in an endeavour to please the rather exacting lady #flo wanted tg »urchase a present. "Now, are you sure this is genuine crocodile skin" she inquired, criticallv examining a neat little satchel. " Quite, madam," was the replv. " Yoa see, I shot that crocodile myself." It looks rather dirty," remarked the customer, hoping to get a reduction in terms. „ '' Yes > madam," replied the shopkeeper, that is where the animal struck the ground after it fell off the tree." QUITE SIMPLE. A lawyer was cross-examining an oil foreigner about the position of the doors, windows, and so forth, in a house in which a certain transaction had occurred And now, my good man," said the lawyer, will you be good enough to tell the Gjurt how the stairs tui»?" The foreigner thought for a minute. i " How the stairs run ?" he queried it length.'- - ! ' -yes*"- repeated the lawyer, ■!' how do the stairs run ? Mv words are simple enough." ( " Veil, sir," answered the witness, ven I am opp ze stairs they run down, and ven I am down ze stairs thev run opp!" , " SAME, BUT IHETEBEKT. With a smile on his rubicund features the hotel manager was peacefully enjoying forty winks. Business was booming; the place was full—gooc? * °' Knocks on the door' v ■ his sanctum, however, brought him bac. to earth. In staggered a perspiring waiter, f , ' P-pp-please, ' sir," he stammered, " I'm in a terrible fix. A g has just ordered roast mutton." "Well, what of it?" came the exasperated answer, " there's plenty of it isn't there?" ' " Yes. sir," breathed the distracted knight of the napkin, " b-b-b-but he's already had one portion of it as venison!" THE TEA MERCHANT'S «' TEE." A young grocer, with social aspirations which he thought might be expedited by joining an exclusive golf club, had his name placed on the list of candidates for membership thereof, with ultimate success, and was enrolled as " Horatio Dash-Blank, Esq.. tea merchant." In due course he presented himself at the Jinks faultlessly equipped, and secured the services of a veteran caddie. The Matter was dubious from the outset, but, when at. the first vigorous onslaught a peppering of mother earth was sent, into his eyes and gaping mouth, he cried in disgust, " Say, mister, at gowf the tee doesna' go into the caddie."

HE WAS QUITE DEAD. The enterprising company in the Sudan had decided to lay a railway into the wilds, and. of course, many blacks were employed in its construction. One day Hie telegraph clerk at, the nearest civilised spot received a telegram from the negro fontnan of the railway constructors— " White boss dead. Shall I bury him ?" " Yes,' wired back the clerk. " " But first make sure that he is quite dead. Will send another white boss tomorrow." A few hours later another telegram came from the foreman— Buried boss. Made sure he was quite dead. Hit him on the head with a large shovel.'' IT WAS A SCHOOL-SET. It was evening, and as the nice quiet little boy gazed '.vestwards his face appeared to proclaim the wrapt attention of the poet or the painter considering the impressive sight that was to draw from him the very finest of his gifts. The old gentleman who came upon him thus engaged was profoundly stirred by the sight. My boy." said the old gentleman, beaming short .-sighledly through his glasses. " it do(ja my heart good to see a lad of your age appreciating the ennobling effects of the sunset, nature's noblest handiwork." " Great Scott." replied the boy, " that's nut a sunset—that's the school burning down ' A SQUARE MEAL. At a recent cattlemen's convention manv stories of the early days on the ranch were told. Among them was one of an old Texan, who, having taken a traiuload of cattle to Kansas City and received his cheque, invited two friends to supper. Entering one of the better-class restaurants, and seating themselves at a table, the host, began a laborious study of the bill of fare, while the waiter stood expectantly by. In vain he searched the. list of unfamiliar names for something Id which he was accustomed, and became somewhat embarrassed. Finally, throwing the menu upon fit floor, but determined to live up to his reputation for hospitality, he pulled a huge roll of bills from his pocket, turned to the waiter, and, in a decided tone, said : " Bring me 300 dollars-worth of hair. and eggs."