SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVIII, Issue 17889, 17 September 1921, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

ENOUGH TO START WITH.

Where's Jimmy?" asked the head of the house, coming home from work. "He was very naughty," replied his W \. "-, " 1 sent him *° bed" for sweating." " Swearing?" roared the ' ind'.gnant father. I'll teach him to swear!" and lie rushed upstairs. F<jr some minutes (lie indignant parential voice resounded through the house, and then Jimmy's mother called : " John, dear, I'm sure Jimmy has heard enough for the first lesson.'" * THE PRIOE OF SILENCE. A man took his wife to the doctor. He was a simple fellow, and had lived in the country all his life. Hie doctor placed a thermometer in the wife's mouth. Just before .he removed it, the man, "•ho had watched spellbound, being unused to such silence on the part of las hotter half, blurted out : '" Doctor, what will vou take for that thing you put in her mouth NOT HIS FAULT. It was at the lending library. A small buy clutched a well-worn, dirty volume. At last i! came his turn to present his book for the inspection of the librarian. The suspense *vas great, but finally the librarian leaned forward. Taking in the size of the boy and then glancing back at the book, she remarked, " This is lather technical, isn't it?" Planting his feet firmlv on the floor, the boy, half-defiant, half-apologetic, retorted, " It was that wav when I got it, ma'am."' NOT USUAL. Miss Sweetgirl was engaged to the curate, and she took it upon herself to look after the one she loved, as all nice women will. He was going off to officiate at a funeral, and she stood at the garden gate, seeing him off. " Fake care of yourself, dear," said she. Yes, yes, I will," said the curate. Do," said th=> girl, still anxious. And remember, don't stand with your bare head on the damp ground." WHAT WAS WANTED. I Mi. Charles Hawtrey, a well-known English actor, tells the* following story: 1 —On one occasion, while playing in a ! Northern town, certain rain effects were , entrusted to an old man named Mac, I who came from north of the Tweed. ! However, it chanced that on the first night the patter of the rain drops pro- ; duced was so feeble that, seizing the first ; opportunity. Mr. Haw trey rushed behind nd shouted to the old man, " Look here, .Mac, it's a real rainstorm we want, and none of your blamed Scotch mists."

HIS METHOD. Tile tramp tapped on the back door and asked fur something to eat. The good housewife replied that she would feed him if he was willing to earn the meal by cleaning out the gutter. The tramp agreed, ana when he had eaten his way through several sandwiches she came out with a reliable-looking hoe. " You needn't have gone to that trouble, madam." said the weary one, sizing up the farm implement. " I never use a hoe in cleaning out a gutter." "Never use a hoe!" said the woman. "What do you use, then—a shovel?" " No, madam," replied the tramp, starling for the gate, " my method is to pray for rain J' A QUESTION OF POSITION.

The Admiralty has recently issued new regulations regarding the wearing of medal ribbons on seamen's junipers. Tlus reminds me, says a naval officer, of an incident which occurred some years ago. when a well-known .admiral —a stickler for uniform —was inspecting the ship in which I' was serving. Passing along the ranks of men, the admiral stopped opposite a very portly able seaman, whose medal ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked, " Did you get that medal for eating, my j man ?" " ! On the man replying, " No, sir." the I admiral rapped out, " Then, why on j earth do you wear it on your stomach ?" j A QUESTION OF MERIT. j ( A lawyer who was very fond of a I game of billiards had to pay a visit to a small town in the west of Scotland, j and while there, wishing to pass the time, he found a new and very excellent ! billiard table. He accordingly inquired i of the landlord if there was anyone about j who. could play, and was referred to one! of the natives of the town. I They played several games, but in ] each instance the countryman won, no j matter how hard the lawyer tried. At last the latter remarked, " Do you | know, I've quite a reputation at home ' as a good billiard player, but I'm not i in your class. May I inquire how long | you have played ?" ! " Oh, for a while back," replied the j native. But I' say. 1 dinns want to 1 hurt yer fnelin's, but you're the first ' fellow 1 ever beat." MAKING UP TIME. Sir Edward Man vile, M.P., was out motoring one day when hi. c tar broke down. Leaving his chauffeur to see to the repairs, he started off to walk the : rest of the way home. Shortly after- ; wards Sir Edward was overtaken by an ! old waggoner. . '■ " Like a lift, sir?" he inquired. The; offer was accepted with alacrity, and as they went along they got into discussion on all manner of topics. At length the old waggoner pulled his watc.i, one of j the huge, old-fashioned variety, cut of his pocket. ! "Can 'ee tell me the toime, sir?" he! asked. j "Certainly," replied Sir Edward, " it I is exactly six o'clock." ! He watched the old man adjust the watch, and saw that he had set the j hands at twelve. " 1 said six o'clock, i not twelve," he said. I " Oh, that be all might, sir," answered the waggoner, as he slipped the watch; back in his pocket. " Her'll soon mek that oop. roHer be a wunnerful goer." < i A SPADE AND A SPADE. Among the guests at a country house! party was an old army general who ' prided himself on being a biilliant card(.layer. During a game of bridge he was . partnered bv a youth, and at the r .in • mencement the general said to him. " Now. ins' lad, do you understand the' game , " " I'm not a brilliant player." was the ,Pj.lv. " but 1. think 1 shall be all right "j During the course of the gam.- the; v..nib revoked when spades were led. ' Tins brought forth the general's ■ v.raih, who said, " Hadn't you a spade':" , and on receiving a reply in the. affinna ' J.,,., said. " Then why the devil didn't '..,i! make use of it '.' The next day they were pail tiers in a . foursome of golf. The general was the! ;irst to drive off at the, first tee. anil ' . binned up a big divot of turf, hieiMn;; 1,1- club in the ...rises ! Ti.e v..nth «..s vci*. quick :.. gel ii s ami ha, I-.. ,io,| .-aid. ■■ I •<■,',.•!*!, 'i iv : ,-.. i got a spade ';" Taken right off is guard. Ihe old i sportsman teplied. " en." ! *' We'd. uh\ the devil didn't you use. gj~ fehfi gglik fed, rju & & him,,