SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVIII, Issue 17853, 6 August 1921, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

CRASS IGNORANCE. The ambitious wife of a millionaire tan ner was giving a dinner party, and dur>"S the course of the meal she, noticed «at her husband did not speak to anv of their smart guests. After it was over, and she had an opportunity, she whispered to him angrily Why don't you talk?" "What's the good?" replied th e tanner contemptuously; "there ain't one of em as knows a thing about leather." NO SUCH CAR. The schoolmistress was trying to give ,lie<- pupils an illustration of the word perseverance.'' "What, is it." she asked, "that carries a man along rough roads and smooth roads, urough the jungles of doubt, up the hills dUv <,n v V '. a,ld thl ' ou fc. r » the swamps of Jf?" 6 , ?, M 6i,e,Ke ' anJ tb «n Willie, wuose father was a motor-car dealer, spoke up— Please, ma'am," h e replied tliere am t no su. h car." STRATEGY. A gentleman in Kentucky once dropped across an old negro, who was fishing with mint a ", d A me in , a P° ol of Wtttwln the mid die of the road. He approached in'm and said ? " You wont catch any fish there, Jake." (< Ah know that, boss." ' V \ h - V - that's only a pool of water left there by the ram this morning." An know that too, boss." " I hen what are you fishing there for'" "ell, its lak dis. boss. I' M W showing my old woman dat I ain't got no time to tu'n de mangle! " IGNORANCE. nf"Vn°/ d J 113 " '" a V ' lla S e in t! 'e "orth oi jMigiand was verv ill. The doctor could not diagnose the comprint and cabed in another medical man Sen ,'h /""• Aft6r tHe doCtons h " d been, the clergyman of the parish called ;o inquire He was in the old man's bed 100 n and asked the old wife what the r», ied- een , al ?! e K dißCover - Sh. « lien he be d,ad they'll kve a post-mor-tem and then they'll kno«- " A feeble voice" from tne bed: " Yete but I shan t know." ' THE MINOR MISHAP. During the night there had been a ternhc vale, which had blown down a lar^o ee dangerously near a cottage in which resided <in old widow woman The vicar caned on her the following morning to congratulate her on her narrow escape and found the old woman quite undismayed. \ou must have very good nerves," he said. " Didn't the great noise the' tree must have made frighten you at all?" " No, I can't say as 'ow it did, sir " she answered calmly. "]t wook m e up, for sure, but I thowt as it wor only my eldest son a-fallin' out o' bed." COMRADES IN ADVERSITY. A little boy had lived for some time with a very penurious uncle who took good care that the child's life was not nnuerilled by over-feeding. The uncle was one day walking out, the child at his side, when a friend came along, accompanied by a greyhound. While the elders were talking, the little fellow, never having seen a dog of so slim and slight texture, clasped the creature round the neck in a very sympathetic and affectionate manner. " Oh. doggie," the youngster whispered huskily, "do you" live with your uncle, too?" NOT BY EAITH. An elderly gentleman, after running to the station, found that he was ten minutes late for his train. Vowing vengeance en everybody near him and saying all sort of things to himself, he suddenly called a porter (an Irishman), who inquired if anything was wrong. " I should think *o," spluttered the old gentleman. " I have missed my train for London. Then, taking out his watch, he shouted excitedly, " I'll never put faith in this watch again." The Irish porter looked at the watch, and then said," " It's not faith ye want in the watch, sor; it's works." IT DIDN'T MATTER. Mr. W. H. Macdonald, in his book entitled "Yarns," telis the following:— " Paddy O'Leary was very much excited. He was on the local racecourse, and the great race of the day was being run. ' Lind me your glasses,' he said to one of his neighbours. He scanned the course. 'Be jabers,' he exclaimed, 'see my horse. He's a beauty. He's driviti' ,the hull lot o' them before him. Luk at him. that chap wid the yellow jacket.' His neighbour, taking the glasses, said, Why, your horse is last of all.' " ' It doesn't matter,' replied Paddy, triumphantly, ' begorra, I've got a bob on him both ways.' " CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES. Mr. ]'red Lake, the popular singing comedian, tells a good golfing story.-Once he was playing on some well-known links in Scotland. His opponent, a hearty Scotsman, got a beautiful -drive off the tee, right over a running stream. The Scotsman looked after his shot with pride. Then, turning to Mr. Lake, he exclaimed, " Recht over the bonny wee burr-rn." Next day the two were again playing eolf together, and the Scotsman topped his ball from the same tee. But instead of shooting away as before, it went trickling down into the stream. The Scotsman turned aside in disguest. " Recht into the blinking ditch," he moaned. UNABASHED. Mrs. Brown was getting " fed up " with the continual borrowing of her neighbour, Mrs. Smith. First it was some household utensil, then little articles of grocery and so forth. The other morning Mrs. Smith's little girl was at Brown's door. " Please, Mrs. Brown," she said, " mother says would you lend her a little bit of blacklead and some pepper, and a big flat iron for an hour? " Mrs. Brown was annoyed and determined to end the borrowing. " Tell your mother I have got other fish to fry,"" she snapped. The little girl went, but was back again in two minutes with a dish and another request. " Please, mother sayis could you lend her some of the fried fish? " ALL ACCOUNTED FOR. A Dublin driver was explaining the. sights of the city to a stranger. The stranger was an Englishman, and as the car was passing the post office, he said to the iarvey, " This is a very fine building " Och, sir," was the reply, with a truly Irish bull, " but ye should see the front. This is the back; the front's hehind " " Then what are those figures on the roof" nsked the Englishman. ' Those, ;or." replied the Jehu, "are the twelve apostles." "The twelve apostles'.'" repeated the ton: is; ; " there are only three." " Ach. shure." said Pat, in a tone that indicated anything was good enough for an Englishman. " the rest are inside gortin' the letters, sor 4 "-