SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVII, Issue 17597, 9 October 1920, Page 2 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

'." ONE BETTSE. _, }■ ■•. ', "Madam," briskly spoke" up the gentleman/in, check .'when,the' lady of the 'house appeared -at thei door. "'"I have here an. invaluable invention for daily- domestic use, a-combination/'*)/ useful articles no housekeeper should be without, consisting as it does, -intone compact tool, of a corlcscrew, 'a paper cutter, a thv. opener, a bodkin, a shoe buttoner, a; —" .:} .=• jr.; " No, thank she answered ! ciiftly. ; " I have^all, the v hairpins'I need.' l The next moment the" door was, slammed in hislace;. '!'■'--■' .-".>■'.•■■ ■•■. _:.".•-'. --■'.- ' - .;. ''' ' A 'SOFT. •' H\s j . Wishing t to, give his Scotch steward a treat, a ; gentleman invited him to London, and on • the "night after his arrival took him to a swell hotel to dine. '•'. During thexeafiy-part of the dinner the steward was'noticed to help himself ><\ try liberally to 'the champagne, class after glass disappearing. . Stall, for all that, he seemed very downhearted and morose..> Presently, he . was heard to remark, " Weel,, I hope thee'll not bo long. wi' the whusky the noo, as I dinna get on verra weelwi' these mineral waters." : ';P'

- SOMETHING SIMILAR. Ascertain English tourist thought that he would like to have, a good day's angling. He made inquiries of local experts, and on being told that the cleg, or horsefly, Would suit his purpose, he sought the servant-girl at his inn., * . '• "I say, my girl, can you get me some horse-flies?" he asked. The girl looked at him stupidly without comprehending. - He repeated the question, and added, "Why, girl, did you never see a horsefly?"

"No, sir," replied the girl, shaking.her head, "but I've seen a cow jump over a gate."

SAVED ENOUGH. A young lady refused to marry a most devoted lover, who was known as a,- free spender, until: had amassed a fortune of £2000. Ho accepted the decree, and went to work to make the necessary pile. About three months after this the avaricious young lady, meeting her lover, asked" Well, Charley, how are you getting -along?"

" Oh, very well indeed," Charley returned, cheerfully. " I've saved three pounds ten shillings." " I think," she said, faintly" I think, Charley, that's about near enough."

THE COW AND THE MILK. They were complete strangers. The boy . lived in a London slum, the older man ■in a decent thoroughfare. He saw the lad ' was thirsty as well as ragged and dirty. So he went indoors, and came out with a glass of milk from Betty, one of his two Jerseys. , ! " Here, sonny, drink up this. See how. I you like it." I " Sonny" sipped it, sipped it again, and then asked : " Where did you , get this from?" " 9 " A cow," said the man. "Sonny" paused, then drank, and said wistfully : " Wish our milkman 'ad a cow."

NO WONDER. A smalf boy"was presented with a knife, with which, boy-like, he cut and marked everything that came his way. A few days after he had become the "happy possessor of the knife, his father was startled to see two men bringing him home in a sad state, his face cut and covered with blood. " Nobody hit me," he said to his father between'his sobs; "it was only a mule kicked me!" i "A mule kicked you, eh? Haven't I I told you a thousand times that mules are l not tit things for boys to fool with?"' " I wasn't fooling with him at all," said the boy. "I was only trying to carve my name on his back !"

OVERBOARD. A -ship's doctor had as firm a belief in the virtues of sea-water as some of our old-fashioned medicos . used to have in bleeding and _ purging. Whatever was wrong with his patients, his prescription almost invariably included a dose of "the briny," freshly hauled up from the ocean for that purpose. One day the ship's doctor fell overboard. Naturally there was a good deal of excitement among the passengers - , and even the captain emerged from his bank to ascertain the cause. "It's nothing much, sir," said the sailor whom he asked for information. .'• It's only the doctor that's fallen into his own medicine chest "

CHOSE THE WRONG VOLUME. A husband, who has dined too well, finds his way home in the wee small' hours. He reaches the library just as-he hears his wife's footsteps at 'the head of the, stairs leading to her bedroom. He hastily reaches for a . book from the library shelves, drops into a big easy chair, and has the book spread in his lap as his wife enters. " John, what are you doing here at this hour.' ' she asks. •' Just reading, d»ar. This book has been in the library five years: I've made up my mind dozens of times to read it ; tonight I'm going to finish it. Don't worry, dear You go to bed, 111 continue reading. The wi/o, in tones of mingled dfegust : and authority, replies: John, close that draught-board and come to bed."