ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVII, Issue 17483, 29 May 1920, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS .

■ "She isn't exactly pretty, bit she tins' I indefinable something—" "So I *l hear; her; father baa piles of it.? , c'u J Teacher: "Children how can -we dis- S tinguish right from wrong!" Pupil : "If I we enjoy doing a thing,. it's wrong.'..' : ; . I WB-C ; ''■•- ■■•■ '''"•' ! '-">. : - I "Soma men,", said Uncle Eben, "goes gjhin', not so much foh do sake of d« fish f E&Sfoh de chance to loaf without hem' noticed. _' / '.'' .' Miis Primms "Does this parrot I fgmxV Dealer: "No, ma'am. But he's a bright bird, ma'am. Wouldn't take 'im lone? to learn." Jill: "He's an awfully clever man." j j Jack : "Not a, bit of it ! He only makes I ' people think so." Jill; "Well, don'wi you that clever!" j-V- Sweet Young Thing: "Why do men •.-jqin'ctobs!'' Sow Old Churl: "Well, Some join because they have no homes, ant some because they have." /; "100 say your friend's business is ,'ight reading. Does he read novels fa* a publishing bouse!" . ''No", he ,rt«ds meters for the gas company." ;;£Teacher: "Thomson, if four men are fvoxkinj! eleven hours a day—" Modern Youth: 'A moment, please. None of vthose non-union problems, please!" IR| Diner : "Why the deuce do you' bring I pe the fish before the soup" Waiter: ! '•Well, between ourselves, sir, that fish ! Wouldn't have kepi five minutes longer." ; I ■•'What's the matter, old top! You look skk." "I've just undergone a serious operation." "Appendicitis." * Worse than that, I had my allowance cut off." pMistress: "Bridget. I do not like the idea of your entertaining policemen in I tie kitchen." Cook: "Shure, ma'am, they'd be embarrassed to death if I tuk thim into thfi drawingroom. ■% Short-story Writer: "Don't you think the story would do if 1 boiled it down Editor: "No, I'm ture it wouldn't. But l! should try the action of heat on it in another way, if I wore you." ; Tm sorry, my boy. bat you can't riarry my eldest daughter." j'Well, what about the youngest!" "Nothing 'doing with any of my daughters." "Can you lend me a sovereign, then!" I 1| "My dear Mrs. Croesus, may I not put your name down for tickets for Professor Pundit's course of lectures on Buddhism V I "Oh, by all means! Yon know how pasionately fond T am of flowers!" ShortsightfKl and quicktempered master i ' ot hounds,' to man driving motor plough : j "Hi! What d'ye mean by heading my [ 1 hounds with that infernal car! How the :' ? dew» can you hunt in a thing like that,sirf \Wgfi£&* , Old Mercator (to little Billy Brown, i vho applies for situation as an office-bey ;t ! and {-reduces testimonial frota parson) : "We don't, want you on Sundays. Have ■ you ' a reference from any one who knows ;ou on week-days!" '1 say. Slim is about to retire from Ins'jiess"" said one roan to another. "He's , a capital chap and well deserves a rest. Jie'fi going to devote the remainder of M life to doing good." "Really?" asked • lbs ether, with a humorous twinkle in his - eve. "And who is he—Good, I. , mean.!" s'jistfarous person (who has forced a ciiari on unwilling club acquaintance) : ; , "Use, my boy—you don't often smoke 'itta'f like that! That's something like idgijt, eh?" The Victim: "Yts— ikae: What is it?" ■" ' •" Donald ('intering Sanely's tailor shop to pay £2 tor his suit) : "Well, Sandy, I've f come to pay for ma suit, and I've just ft been thinking we can mak' two townees .on the deal." (> I- "Aji," says Sandy, "and hoo's that! : "Well, it's this way, Sandy. You just I mak' thai; account intae £1 19s lid. You ;: save the stamp, and there's a bawbee for you, Sandy, and yin for me." m • NOT TO BE HAD. 'V Mrs. Noggs (at servants' employment ;, office): "I want a girl who will be able to think for heraeli'; one that 1 won't have to watch and correct every minute • of the day. I want one in whom I can | repose perfect confidence, sure that she •{will get the mials at the time, and. in ♦he way I like them. I want a cook—" §L Manager : ."Excuse me, ma'am, but you I don't want a cook. What you want is a fairy godmother ]•• $ ON SHAEY GBOTJND. |t "There's a lady wishes to speak to you, sir." :■:_ "Gorid-looking!" ';- "Yes, sir." f ' Employer (very indignantly, on return- ;: ing to 'the office) : "A nice judge of i beauty yon are, I must say!" - (sftrk": "You see, sir, I didn't know 'Lai what the lady might be your wife." . p Employer: "So she is!" BAPTISM,»MARRIAOB, DEATH. A miner Was one day explaining to a minuter why he never went to church. ' "Yen .« .-, it's like this," he said: -'"The •>.. time I went to church they ■ threw .v .'.*• in m''-' face, and the second " time I went "they tied me up. to a woman T"8 hsd to keep ever since!" The ~ inisiw smiled grimly. • "Arc t'-e third time you go, he remarked, '-they'll throw dirt on you. WHERE THE SHOE PINCHED. Xl The junior partner was harried. _ -V ■ '•I shall have to get another typist. 1% lamented. "Miss Take is continually hterrupring my dictation to ask how to i; snail a word.' . „.i_„ Y. '"Desr dear," said the senior partner. | "That seems a great waste of time. V ••It', not that I mind," responded the [ other "But it's SO bad for discipline to keep on savin;'. 'I don't know .

'FEAED. First Tramp : "Goin 1 in that house over inhere pard 1 " :"I tried that house last Second : "I tned that houselast week. I ain't goin' there any more. First Tramp : "'Fraid on account of UlO dor?" U<i Tramp: "M* pants arc First Tramp: "Pants are what. Rwnd Tramp: "Framed on account of the dog." THERE WERE OTHERS. 'So our engagement is at an end?" said the blond youth. "It is r«rUinry at an mA, H - replied the fic'sle brunette. .. •'I suppose you will return the engagement ring , " ~ . . "I oeruinry will if you call round some night and pick it out." WILLING TO BE A SISTER. Jones was as direct of speech in his love affaire as in matters of business. Hence, when he proposed to his lady-love, he asked : "Will yon have me?" "So," replied the lady, "but 111 be "Well, that will do,", interrupted Jones; "let's change the subject. VERY ANNOYING. . " We!!, that's enough to try the patience h of Job!' exclaimed the village minister, 1' as he threw aside the local paper. f, "Why, wtjtt's the matter, dear? asked Mr m ? wife. . 11. I 4 m "last Saidav I preached from the text. H 'Be ve. therefore, steadfast, " answered *i£the good n.an; "but the printer makes it £&*»*, 'Bo yo there far hr«kfc& ■:''■«':•* *."■