ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVII, Issue 17380, 31 January 1920, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

v-'- ; . ; !:3e«: '.'X wdeMtar.d that rich old'maid inmiod & BtaagjW y oun g man." She: ECS*' •-• Yea be struggled, but he couldn't-get sway." . - . - :^|i«« £ . ■ She: "Tom ought to be ashamed of •taring a baa." fce: « Yon are equally ppf?*-'■JB™i7r' . Yoa^iTnd r the stolen goods" __; ■ -, i ■ W "I was surprised to bra* you were Vis-'" @0< vnz lay gal in the dark the other night!" «L / > ho more surprised than I was when I S&V- saw her in daylight!" -''',• r-c> : .~?- : :i - : '• *a'v - ; . ,■■-, ■ ■■.-. -;,:. i 4-)- y.,<;>" \ ffeV "So ehe has lost her husband? Has aha Mr ■ - recovered from her grief yet? ,, ;« yet; §& you know how slow those insurance comM, panies are in settling."/'. "•■-■ '■£■■&:<'■">:,■"■ ¥ . - v ~ 'r l> '' |& " A long walk will give you a fine appe--5 Mfrrf *«»» the reason I'm sitting •# still, replied Mr, Growcher. "I can't afford a tine appetite." --,. ; ..'. .'/.'./ .•„, fl ' The man: "Madam, I am the-.piano I tuner. The woman: "I didn't send for § a piano tuner." The man: "I know it, ti lady. The neighbours did. ' & •—-— — - || " Is there a fool as, the end of this line?" 6 , snapped the merchant angrily to the telejj phone operator. "Not at this end, air," || r replied a voice ever no sweetly. ' |: " Doctor, my husband is troubled with > ; a bussing noisn in his ears." "Better fc send bira to the seas for a month." " But ,he can't -et away. " Then you go." p Mr, Profiteeratein: "Didn't y6u bring ,u your hopera glasses with you?" Mrs. K Profiteerstein : " Yen ; but 1 can't use 'em, 0 because I've left my diamond rings at fl 'ome!" ';■ v\ t ■■■' v y-' Phyllis {at the concert): "Do 1 you know the name of that piece?" Mary "Do you mean the "one the woman was s singing, or the one her accompanist was I playing?" ■' .-m ; ~ > f Father: "Why don't you have. more {to about you, Julius It's the push that makes a jan successful." ' Son: " Then | I'm mighty successful. I ..got it this k morning." . ' . . I t "Cohen: "I bite effery shilling I take ,f f to see eff it is goot." leiw* : "Bud ain'd | you afraid of microbes?" Cohen : " Yell, yea, bud nod so much as I; am afraid ?'. of bad money." Yokal: "If you give me this 'ere gat. >'B aba'nt - know what you be Dentist; " No ' You " won't know & thing." Yokal: " Then bide a bit, while I counts me money." ~.v > ;:v~ f*y • ' " Tefl me, Jane has the chemist . sent that sleeping draught yet?" " No, * madam." "Well, ring him up and ask him if he expectii me to keep awake all night Waiting for it !" - Liveryman (to rider) : " Here, what'* this? Half a crown! Why, you've ■been out for two hours! Rider: "So I may have, but Fvo only been on the ( brute's back about ten minutes. ■a The mistress of the house entered the dininzroom just as the burglar was in the act of purloining the silver. "What are you doing?" asked the lady. "Oh/' returned the thief, "I am. at your service, madam!" _, ';'., v ',;■'.-. After discussing the best way to make oneself sleep, one torsos r*id that the only ;«rfect method is to "think of nothing. A more practical man replied that the best method is to think it is time to got up. , i BEHIND TIME. '' . Traveller: "Well, Thai's jolly good. The tram is steaming in to time.' , Station Master: "Mum's the word. . This train just happens to be twenty-four • hours behind time. ' > CROSSING TEE CHANNEL. * 'Arry (to dejected on steamer).;."Come over the other side, Ali, and sec a big sailing ship' pass." , AS (faintly); " iou can 'ave it. Call me when you see a tree pass." BRITISH POLITENESS. Soldier (offering seat in French tram): " 'Ere, asseyezvous, Madame, s'il vous plait." French Dame: "Ah, non, Monsieur— . e'est a vous?" • •,■•'.'. Soldier: "Go on,, sit down, yer s\'.ly old geyser !" French' Dame: Ah, mereL Monsievj— Tous'etes bien gentil." OBOfiS rHDELICACV. * "I've just been looting through the keyhole into the housemaid's bedroom adjoining ours," said the parlourmaid to the chambermaid, "and what do you think, dear?" h > , " I ain't guess." returned the other. "Why, the inquisitive cat has got her eye glued there, loolring into our room:". THE ABT OF PTJHOTUATION. A professor was taking his evening class in English composition. " I would like I yon to consider this sentence, gentlemen, I and tell me how jou would punctuate it," I he remarked: " A lady was passing along '< ;the street smiling pleasantly." '< "What about a dash after the lady, sir?" came the quick query from cne member of the class. ST/BE EVIDENCE. " Did you deliver that medicine at Mrs. Brown's all right' last evening?" asked the doctor of his boy. " Yes, sir," answered the L?.tt<>'.'. "I wonder if she took it?" muimured I the doctor. " I think she most have done." answered ; the boy. " I noticed ail the blinds were down a.' I passed this morning!" TIE SPOKE TOO SOON. A well-known preacher was giving one i of his pining discourses, when he marked:--"Ah 1 that reminds me of somelh'n?. : shall never forget." Then ho stopped and thought; and, after thinking and waiting :or a long time, greatly to the astonishment of the congregation, he said: — "Dear me, I can't think what it is 1" , IN COSMOPOLITAN PARIS. j The good Samaritan had dragged a I drunken man out of the roadway, and was j iteadying him oil hia feet. " Now, if you tell me where j'ou live," d-Hj lmK *ht "I'll jj/oraiM to ta';e \ mi b ;m<> " ' Y'(. m vjiy kinc," replied the other husKilv, " I live at Tonquin Villa, Vladivostok." NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT A farmer was anxious that his son should become a minister, and for this laudable end he sent him to college for four years, but, to his great disappointment." the youth balked at the ministry, and set himself up ati a horse dealer. The old farmer told his grief to a neighVi'njr. who, however, took a more optimistic view (f the matter. " Oh, I wouldn't feel so badly about that," he said. "As a horse dealer Bill will probably lead more men t,i repentance than be would have cone a:i a p reactier." WHY did they laugh. Several ladies sat in their club a few evenings ago discussing the virtues of their husbands. "Mr. Bingleton," said one of them, referring to her life partner, " never drinks and never swears indeed, he has no bad '..-.bits!" " Does he never smoke?" someone acked. ' Yes. He likes a cigar just after he has eaten a good meal. But I suppose, . on an average, he doesn't smoke more than once a month." Some of her friends laughed, but she didn't seem to understand why.